Attn: Coach Martin

Hello, friends. You're looking well. Why, there's positively a spring in your step today! Oh, I'm sorry. Yes, that IS quite a pronounced limp. I didn't mean to call attention to it in front of your lovely young lady friend. Friends, I don't need to tell you that the SEC, surprisingly, has become quite the League of Would-Be Assassins this season, taking us to repeatedly nailbiting finales since conference play began. Texas A&M, Ole Miss, Vanderbilt (Vanderbilt!) -- they've all come to get us. This weekend, presumably, will be no exception when our Cats roll down into Colonial Life (Colonial Life!) Arena this weekend. Head Coach Frank Martin will certainly be gunning for us as his comments concerning his team after Tuesday's loss to Tennessee were anything but flattering, a sentiment which may have gotten him into dutch with the administration. We explore that particular email, and Martin's history of upsetting management, in a piece today which we'll call Attn: Coach Martin. Shall we? We shall. ---------- From: Pastides, Harris - Office of the President To: Martin, Frank - Basketball Operations Attn: Coach Martin Dear Coach Martin, While your frustration with the team following Tuesday night's loss to Tennessee was certainly understandable under the circumstances, your negativity toward the team – i.e., referring to the team as "no good," and repeatedly emphasizing "selfishness" and "shame" – might not be the best course of action when instilling a positivity in your team and serving as a representative of the University of South Carolina. Please monitor your words and language more closely in the future to ensure stronger press and reception. Thanks, Harris. ---------- From: Pastides, Harris - Office of the President To: Martin, Frank - Basketball Operations Attn: Coach Martin Coach Martin, It has recently come to our attention that the Basketball Operations office has been neglecting to separate its plastic recyclables from its glass recyclables, which I have learned is becoming a problem for our physical plant to resolve when preparing deliveries to the Columbia recycling plant. Please see that this distinction is made in the future. Thanks, Harris. -------- From: Pastides, Harris - Office of the President To: Martin, Frank - Basketball Operations Attn: Coach Martin Coach Martin, We have rarely discouraged extracurricular "night jobs" for University of South Carolina personnel, but your current activities have been brought to our attention as we have been approached by several people in the community who claim you have threatened to cause them bodily harm should they not pay your employer. We feel this reflects poorly on the basketball program and would suggest you terminate said extracurricular employment immediately. Yours, Harris ------ From: Pastides, Harris - Office of the President To: Martin, Frank - Basketball Operations Attn: Coach Martin Coach, While we regret the accident which recently doused you with dangerous gamma rays (we are still investigating the incident at the Physics Building), we encourage you to please attempt to keep your temper under control as we figure out our next steps. The several automobiles you threw through the bay windows of the Thomson Student Health Center last night are not inexpensive to fix and the hole you punched in the ground in front of the bookstore has caused several problems this morning. Please see that this does not occur again in the future. Best, Harris -------- From: Pastides, Harris - Office of the President To: Martin, Frank - Basketball Operations Attn: Coach Martin Frank, Although your feelings toward the town eccentric Maurice's lovely daughter are well founded, as she is an exceptional girl, I have been disheartened to hear that of late you have been bragging at the tavern that you will "make" her fall in love with you, as this is likely in violation of our campus' sexual harassment laws. Furthermore, your claims that you are going to kill her monstrous housemate are uncalled for, especially since the fact that he was once a person still makes the act one of human murder and punishable as such. Please desist. Sincerely, Harris --------- From: Pastides, Harris - Office of the President To: Martin, Frank - Basketball Operations Attn: Coach Martin Frank, I'm not sure what you were doing in the construction area of East Campus late last night but one of our industrial plumbers visited my office this morning to inform me that not only had you kidnapped a female student but that you were foiling attempts to rescue her by hurling oil drums at oncomers. You should consider yourself very lucky that no one was hurt during this incident and I can assure you that this behavior will not stand at the University of South Carolina. I hope not to hear of this type of event again going forward. Sincerely, Harris ---------- From: Pastides, Harris - Office of the President To: Martin, Frank - Basketball Operations Attn: Coach Martin It has been three weeks now and your deliberate ignoring of my multiple requests to separate glass and plastic recyclables is unacceptable. Consider this strike two. -Harris.