Breaking News: Infestation Coming

Will Lentzalmost 12 years


Aritcle written by:Will LentzWill Lentz


As an intermission between Drew’s posts-of-rage, I just received this letter from Mayor Newberry and was asked to forward it on to the loyal KSR readers:

Dear Friends,

I hope you all are finding your holidays treating you well, and that you are in good spirits even as the weather cools down.

I’m writing you today, because I’ve been informed of a slight situation we’re having in Lexington this weekend.  My sources have informed me that there is a good chance we will be infested by the dirty southerners wearing the “throw up color orange,” on Saturday.  I’m afraid they will most likely be bringing along with them both their work release papers and their mother/sister-in laws. Yes, mother/sister, as in one person.  Don’t think to hard about that.

But do not fear, Lexington.  We have put into place several precautions to keep our city Beautiful, Clean, and Prosperous.  First, I advise anyone capable, to wear their blue for the entire day. Blue is the complementary color to orange, and will be our best chance to nullify the blinding affect that much vomit-orange will have on a person.  Going along with that, the scientists that study these animals warn me that their mating call is grating to the human ears, but at the same time, annoyingly catchy.  If you hear one of this suspects begin to say something along the lines of  ‘Rocky Top,’ it is imperative that you cover your ears, and yell ‘Ooooooo C-A-T-S CATS CATS CATS’ at them until they leave. You see, they are scared of cats.

Secondly, and because of that, I’ve been given permission to release hungry wildcats within a certain time frame, in a certain place.  These Cats have not eaten in 24 years, and while it is miraculous they are still alive, they are ready to feast.  Do your part, and herd as many ‘volunteers’ as you can into commonwealth stadium around 9:00 at night.  By that time the blood bath will be at full tilt, and you don’t want them to miss out, now do you?

Finally, as a precautionary measure, all convenience stores will be closed tomorrow from the time the plague hits, to the time the last one is exterminated. Preliminary reports show that, in the past, groups of these specimens will band together, and attempt to knock entire convenience stores over.  Fortunately, they aren’t very good at even the simplest of tasks.  Regardless, the convenience stores are those usually hit the hardest, so get your gas, chips, and beer today while you can.

Thank you all for your cooperation, and I’m sure we will come out on the other side of this thing victorious.

Mayor Jim Newberry

Go Cats!

Warning: This letter is most certainly made up.  I’m pretty sure Mayor Newberry doesn’t even have my email address.

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