Coach K Breaks Mello's Knee. Sabotages USA

by:Turkey Hunter08/08/06

Due to some witchcraft known as “time zones”, Coach Mike Kryzewski (pronounced: hugedoucheasaurus) will later this evening sideline one of the NBA’s brightest stars and Team USA member Carmello Anthony with a knee injury. Team USA took on Brazil earlier this evening(remember, witchcraft), where Anthony, already with 16 points, slipped while chasing a ball to the sideline with 2:21 left in the half, crashing into the horned beast, Coach K.

Early signs indicate that the knee was hyperextended. When asked for comment, Krzyzewski began cursing incoherently with the only decipherable language being that he was a leader of men. At the post game press conference, he drank strawberry daquiris throughout, giving only degeneration X salutes as responses. His final overture involved burning a small American flag in front of several World War II veterans before being drug off by several security personnell from the host nation China. As he was forcibly removed from the podium, Coach K culminated his classless performance by launching a pocket full of American Express cards at a group of disabled teens waiting on player’s autographs .

That may or may not have happened following Anthony’s injury but I really don’t have time to check sources. Only Coach K could force me to give pause before cheering on Team USA. Ultimately, I do hope the young men representing our country win every game in a fashion showcasing not only their tremendous talents, but also a respect for the game and the other nations competing. That said, I also root that every day General Tsoa and Bourbon Chicken run through Coach K’s lower intestine as if they were Floyd Landis and Justin Gatlin competing in a final round of Super Market Sweep at a Rite Aid. Careful what you eat over there coach; remember, Confucius say, man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly fingers.

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