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Common Sense

Kalan Kuceraover 5 years


Article written by:Kalan KuceraKalan Kucera



h/t Andrew Haines

Friends, you may not have realized it but this week we have born witness to a new national threat. A true ðŸŒ¾ðŸðŸŒ¾. As a nation we must come together from time to time to fight tyranny. The tyranny of the rich. The tyranny of the powerful. The tyranny of the mob. The tyranny of the malted. This is our most important civic duty. That’s why, when a known monarchist declared himself a patriotic, freedom loving, leader this week, it has become our solemn duty to counter him at every turn.

Let me be the one to say it and let me be frank: Budweiser, the so-called “King of Beers,” is not the “America” our founders intended.

These United States contain multitudes of people who, due to the foresight of the authors of our Constitution, enjoy the freedom to live life as they see fit, according to their own devices. As a country we’re striving to use the tools we’ve been granted to truly build a society where everyone is given the same opportunity to be down with LLP (life / liberty / pursuit of happiness). Part of the ‘P’ includes the important decision we all make concerning which inexpensive American Lager we’re going to not quite enjoy on the road to getting wasted. This is a time honored tradition and not one to be taken lite-ly.

That’s why it’s disgusting to see a brand with clear monarchist / authoritarian tendencies proclaim itself as the patriotic “choice” of American consumers. How much blatant disregard for our citizenry and our ideals are we willing to take before we show Budweiser the door? I say no more! I say the American people are smarter than that. Budweiser can take their Busch league tactics and get the hell out of my country.

That’s just my opinion anyway. It is indeed up to each and every one of us to decide whether or not Budweiser’s America is the America we all want to live in. Sure, we could ignore everything Bud Heavy has been saying for years about being the “King of Beers” and acknowledge that it is the “Genuine Article“, but can we afford to do that when there are so many important drunk activities and decisions to make this summer? George Washington once probably said, “If it looks like a King, struts like a King, orders you to pay exorbitant taxes on all imported goods while owning all production and transportation verticals like a King, ’tis likely a King,” and I don’t know about you, but I’m with George.

In this modern era, we can’t afford to be bamboozled by a closet monarch like Budweiser. No matter how delicious we imagine it’s going to taste, there’s no doubt that if we choose to drink Bud Heavy we’re going to end up bloated and disappointed. The choice is clear, either end up half naked, burnt to a crisp on the beach, with a warm, frothy, rabid ‘King’ in our hands, or don’t do that. The choice is yours.

For my money, PBR is going to be your best bet. After all, what’s more American than celebrating an irrelevant event long past it’s time?

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