De-coding the 'Coach-Spin'

After a gut-wrenching loss to South Carolina and a hard-fought nail biter in Baton Rouge, the UK football team violently plunged back into the bleak reality of bottom tier status quo in the SEC. The compelling offense, which offered fans a glimmer of faith early on, appears to have checked into a hospice clinic, as the putrid o-line and running game tender little help to the Woodson/Burton show. The defense? Dead last nationally, and showing no signs of slowing up…take that back. The Herald-Leader’s Chip Cosby and the Courier Journal’s Brett Dawson spoke with Coaches Archer and Brooks for their articles today, and since both coaches would rightfully big league me, I’ll make their quotes the topic of this post. The ‘coach-spin’ is to be expected, after all, it’s entailed in their job description. Nevertheless, it’s still quite humorous and a cinch to read through. To show how dull the spin is, I’ve enlisted the help of Billy Estes, a 2nd grader at nearby Lakeview Elementary, to assist me in “decoding the coach speak.” Archer: "I still know we're better. Even though the stats don't show it, I know we're better. As coaches, we've all seen it in practice. It just doesn't show on the field, and that's very frustrating right now." Intern: This is a vastly improving…Oh, you’ve got stats? Damn. Well…what are numbers anyway? We’re good when nobody watches, honest. I won an SEC Championship at LSU. Billy: The defense is soft, like my blankey, but they are getting less softer everyday! “The biggest thing is the inconsistency. Sometimes we do it, sometimes we don't." Intern: We haven’t done it all year. Occasionally, we’ll hold on first and 10. Hey, remember that time we forced Florida to punt? And it’s not like Central Michigan’s backup quarterback isn’t the next Joe Montana. I forced a lot of punts at LSU… Billy: Sometimes I put my toys back up and sometimes I don’t. When I forget my dad gets really mad. But he doesn’t say anything about inconsistency, he just tells me to get it done. "If people are looking for somebody to blame, they can blame me, and I'm sure they are… Don't put it on the players. Put it on me. I'm a big boy. I can take it. I've been blamed before, believe me." Intern:Yeah, I’ve been blamed a lot everywhere I’ve been. Some say there’s a pattern there, but I say patterns are for Nancy boys. Billy: I tell my mommy that I’m a big boy too and don’t have to be in bed by 9. But she just tells me that until I start going to work and help out with the bills 9 o’clock means 9 o’clock. “I know the coaches will work at it…We're doing everything we can to get this fixed.” Intern: Whew, umm…yeah we watch the film…I’m hoping that when the players come back from their bye week they’ll each be a lot faster. That’d be cool. About as cool as winning the SEC championship in ’88! Billy: I like boogers with my PB&J. Brooks: "I might have been a little too optimistic in projecting it, but I still feel like we are going to get better on defense. We'll just have to see at the end of the season whether it plays out to be as disastrous as it appears." Intern: Yes, I knew the D was going to be lousy, but 119th? I still feel like with a little hard work and pride, we can easily get back into the 112-115 range. Billy: I thought we’d be good. I was wrong, and at the end of the season, I’ll be even wronger. "There's nothing wrong with the scheme itself. There's plenty wrong with the execution of the scheme, and correcting the execution is the coaches' job and the players' job." Intern: Yeah, about the scheme…Did I mention we’re young? Well, Mike is currently devising a scheme designed to stop the QB draw on 3rd and longs. Look for it to hit the playbook sometime next season! Billy: The coaches and players aren’t doing their jobs and the scheme is silly. Bottom Line: Whether speaking in American, Hupa, Santali, or Swahili, 119th is 119th.