FAQ: Hawaii

Friends,

Greetings from beautiful Hawaii! And by “Hawaii” I mean “a Northern Kentucky Starbucks!” As Chaminade University hosts the finals of the 27th Annual EA Sports Maui Invitational (bonus characters unlocked by beating the opening and semi-final rounds), the Mighty Cats sally forth to face the UConn Huskies in what will surely be the greatest test of the team yet. But we’re not here to talk about the ins and outs of Kentucky Wildcat Basketball, we’re here to go completely off-topic and wax goofily on geography, right? So let’s get down to it, boppers, in a strictly informational segment I like to call Frequently Asked Questions about Hawaii.

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Hey, you spilled some mustard on my map.

No, I didn’t! That’s actually the state of Hawaii, the most recent of our United States. Hawaii was passed into statedom on August 21st, 1959, on a day which many Hawaiians remember fondly as the day they finally got to start paying Federal taxes. Hawaii consists of eight adjoining islands named Ni’ihau, Kaua’i, O’ahu, Moloka’i, Lana’i, Kaho’olawe, Maui, and Hawai’i. American statehood also granted Hawaiians the opportunity to begin using apostrophes, something they were clearly very excited about. Temptation Island, Yoshi Island and Muppet Treasure Island were later considered for inclusion, but ultimately rejected.

That looks like eight states to me, not one.

The state of Hawaii is technically an archipelago, which is a small cluster of islands. The islands are accessible to one another by boat, accidentally severed parasailing cord, or, if you are capable, very long jumps.

Get these flowers off me. I don’t want these flowers around my neck.

Those flowers are simply a traditional form of greeting in Hawaii. A decorative garland of flora native to the island is a way of welcoming you to the state and is customarily presented upon arrival. It is also encouraged that while visiting, you dress in a ridiculous floral print short-sleeved button-down, though it should be noted that Hawaii is the only place you can wear this attire and not look like a huge idiot.

Is the government the same in Hawaii as it is in the continental United States?

Yes, for the most part. Hawaii has both a governor and a lieutenant governor as well as a House of Representatives. One thing Hawaii lacks, however, is a system of municipal governments, as local governments are dictated by county. It is advised that, should you require assistance from law enforcement while visiting Hawaii, you should contact these county-level officials or seek help from eccentric private investigator Thomas Magnum, who knows a guy with a helicopter.

Does Hawaii have any historical significance?

Of course. You may recall that one of Hawaii’s most remembered events was the 1941 bombing of Pearl Harbor, which starred Josh Hartnett and Ben Affleck. The state of Hawaii also owes a great debt to actors Stephen Baldwin and Corbin Bernsen, who famously sniffed out saboteur and Victoria’s Secret Model Frederique van der Wal in 2003’s Celebrity Mole Hawaii, which made the island the much-safer destination it remains today. Hawaii also has a special resort which grants wishes.

I’m trying to read stuff in Hawaii but I don’t understand this language. I mean, “hana hou?” “Pilialoha?” It sounds like a bunch of baby talk.

This is because all babies in the world are born speaking Polynesian.

Are there colleges in Hawaii?

Many institutes of higher learning call Hawaii home, including the University of Hawaii, Chaminade University of Honolulu and Hawaii Pacific University, among others. Native Hawaiian students at these fine colleges and universities traditionally thrive and prepare for careers after college while students from the continental United States who attend these schools typically dick around trying to surf, try to score a lot of pot, and come back to visit stateside friends and family for holidays wearing filthy flip flops and playing acoustic guitar.

What is there to do in Hawaii?

You will have a wonderful time. There are a great many leisure activities in Hawaii for lovers of the outdoors, including excellent snorkeling and scuba diving, watersports, boating and hiking. Exploring rainforests or simply relaxing at a beachside restaurant or bar are likewise excellent activities for helping you forget that you’re out in the middle of the ocean walking around on a series of active and dormant volcanoes which could erupt at any time. Mahalo!