Forecast for Saturday: Pain

Forecast for Saturday: Pain

Evan Hilbertabout 13 years

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Article written by:Evan HilbertEvan Hilbert
Screw you people No, I'm kidding. Actual forecast for Saturday: rain, changing to snow at night, wind, and temperatures dipping below 20 degrees. Awesome. Purists will refer to this as "football weather." Those people are idiots. Everyone else has a different name for it: face bleedin' weather. I'm not really sure if anyone calls it that, but that's what happens when snot dries and freezes to your face, and you unwittingly scratch it. The only way to combat said affliction is to wear one of those creepy bank robber masks that all the self-conscious kids wore in grade school. It's Senior Day, so everyone will show up in droves regardless (as well we should). However, these games are always a mess, with everyone sloshin' and floundering about the field. The players may as well be on unicycles. The good news is, we'll get to hear everyone's contradictory opinions on who is going to be affected most by the weather: "Oh, the receivers can't keep their feet. No one will be able to move the ball." "Yeah right, the DB's can't keep up with the wide-outs in the mud." "Well, the QB won't be able to grip the ball." "How will the RB's stay balanced?" And on. And on. And on. Fact is, everyone on the field will be miserable, and the only thing on their mind will be their proximity to the heaters when they come off. That, and if the trainers remembered chapstick.

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2021-11-27