Hello, friends. You’re looking well today. Oh hey, look at this..let’s see, it’s right over…HERE — You looked, now I get to hit you twice on the arm for looking. Ready? Hold Still. ONE…TWO. There…no, you can’t do it to me, the game’s over. We’re not playing that anymore.
Friends, I don’t have to tell you that this weekend Arkansas head coach Mike Anderson will bring his Hogs (players, not actual hogs) into Rupp for a shot at the king. The Razorbacks are currently second in the SEC and Anderson will no doubt be bringing his favorite strategy
“Forty Minutes of Hell” to the proceedings, which of course is his version of the basketball strategy the great Nolan Richardson made famous many years ago. But what exactly is Anderson’s version of “Forty Minutes of Hell” and why should we fear it? I’m pleased today to print, in advance of the game,
Anderson’s exact plans for us on Saturday, minute by hellish minute. Shall we? We shall.
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First Half
20:00 — Full-court press.
19:00 — Full-court press.
18:00 — Jabril Durham calls Devin Booker and hangs up, repeatedly.
17:00 — Nick Babb stands behind Sam Malone and keeps flicking him in the ear.
16:00 —
Scary Movie 5 DVD director’s commentary
15:00 — BlueCross BlueShield customer claim hotline.
14:00 — Bobby Portis performs nasal irrigation for sixty seconds.
13:00 — Wildcats attend a one year-old’s birthday party.
12:00 — One corner of Dakari Johnson’s bedsheet keeps coming off the mattress.
11:00 — Kale chips for everyone.
10:00 — Willie Cauley-Stein helps Anton Beard move.
9:00 — Karaoke with ONLY Elton John songs.
8:00 — Karl Towns attends a timeshare presentation.
7:00 — Anthlon Bell stares uncomfortably at Tyler Ulis.
6:00 — Razorbacks flip through radio stations without stopping on one.
5:00 — John Robic accidentally clips a fingernail down too far.
4:00 — Dominique Hawkins goes to Fayette Mall on December 23.
3:00 — A Time-Warner representative goes over their new promotions.
2:00 — The Wildcats remove a tree stump in the heat.
1:00 — Couples’ baby shower.
Second Half
20:00 — Aggressive press.
19:00 — Internet is down.
18:00 — Michael Qualls leaves his wet towel on the guest room carpet.
17:00 — Cal loses Ellen’s Gladwareâ„¢
16:00 — Alandise Harris sends Andrew Harrison an email with the caps lock on.
15:00 —
Mysteries of Laura marathon.
14:00 — Slice Rohrssen waits for an oven to preheat.
13:00 — Maroon 5 plays three encores.
12:00 — Ky Madden eats an orange with no plate on Aaron Harrison’s couch.
11:00 — Moses Kingsley shows Kenny Payne photos from his trip to Washington D.C.
10:00 — Brian Long loses a contact lens on a busy carpet.
9:00 — Bill Meck breaks in with weather news.
8:00 — Mike Anderson “sexy-dancing.”
7:00 — The Wildcats try to figure out which smoke alarm is beeping.
6:00 — EJ Floreal zips himself up in his fly.
5:00 — Tod Lanter can’t merge.
4:00 — Trey Lyles has to babysit while his friends go to the biggest party of the year.
3:00 — Total breakdown of society.
2:00 — The dark lord Satan turns the arena into a pit of fiery torment.
1:00 — Fouling.
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