Get to Know Some New SEC Coaches

by:C.M. Tomlin06/29/12
Hello, friends. Hot enough for ya? Hahahahaha. Seriously though, is it hot enough for you? Because I know you enjoy warm weather. I'm genuinely curious. Friends, as many of you know, new South Carolina coach Frank Martin shot across the bow, gettin' up in e'rrbody's face this week when he tweeted a snarky comment at Coach Cal which read, like I need to tell you, "I love u & u r the best but while u talk 2 the NBA I will talk 2 the future NBA players." Now, aside from signifying Martin's seeming propensity to use the Middle (Grade) English "u," the shot appeared to be a playful shot across Cal's bow. Strong words from Mr. Martin, but if he wants to get a joshing rivalry going right out of the gate, he got one. We were planning on giving Martin and his fellow new coaches to the SEC a little time to acclimate to the ballbusting environment here, but if Frank wants to force our hands, so be it. We all know there are a few new coaches in the SEC landscape this coming basketball season, coaches we probably need to get to know a little better if we're going to be seeing them up in our grills come January. So here then, as a necessary service to you the reader, in today's piece we'll look at these new faces in a piece we'll call, appropriately, "Get to Know the Some New SEC Coaches" (spoiler alert: there are two Franks.) Might as well get prepared, eh? So please enjoy, and as always, have a great weekend, gang. -------- Johnny Jones Coach of: LSU Looks kind of like: A kindly grandpa. History: Jones, who once played at LSU and once earned the nickname "The Bullet," returns to his alma mater after eleven seasons at North Texas, though he has his work cut out for him as we see if he can repeat his successes with the Mean Green for the Only-Slightly-Passable Purple. Don't let his affable demeanor fool you; this guy was both a player and an assistant under Dale Brown, which means he has to have some Darth Vader in him after learning from the Emperor. "We will hit the ground running," he said upon his announcement as head coach, which excited Tigers fans everywhere who are used to their players "hitting the ground and comically tripping or falling down." So that's a plus. How to defeat him: LSU's bad. We already know this. So what we need to watch for, and be prepared to defend against, is an amazing trick play that comes during the last play for these lovable losers to win the clutch game. We will know this is coming when everything suddenly goes into slow-motion. Frank Haith Coach of: Missouri Looks kind of like: MMA fighter Rashad Evans, if Rashad Evans gained forty pounds and took a job as head of accounting at your company. History: Haith came to Missouri from Miami, where he helped take the 'Canes to the NIT four times. Then he came to Missouri and garnered a number two seed in 2012 and lost in the first round to Norfolk State. Then he won AP coach of the year. If all this sounds kind of bizarre, it's because it sort of is. He's not particularly all that memorable; he lacks the dashing good looks of the suddenly-disappearing Quin Snyder and the oldness of longtime former coach Norm Stewart. He did once live in a ticket booth at Elon University (awesome) due to financial troubles, but now he has a house (lame). Boooo-ring. Get ready for Haith to dazzle us with his remarkable plainness. How to defeat him: Call the box office at all hours of the night asking for tickets (1986), outscore him (2012). Billy Kennedy Coach of: Texas A&M Looks kind of like: Your friend's dad, shopping at Lowe's. History: Does Billy Kennedy look familiar to you? If you live in Southwestern Kentucky, you may have seen him at the mall. Or perhaps mowing the yard next door. Kennedy was the head coach of Kentucky's own Murray State Racers from 2007 to 2011, when he became the chief at Texas A&M. His day-to-day there in College Station consists mainly of keeping students from scuffing up the floor with their cowboy boots and getting the Thunderbird stains out of the couch in former head coach Billy Gillispie's office. He also announced last October that he's currently battling early-stage Parkinson's disease and will continue to coach. No jokes about that, folks. That's amazing, and we should all wish him the best in fighting that while successfully maintaining a major program. How to defeat him: It's Texas A&M. Hahahaaaaa. Oh, wait, you were serious? Rick Ray Coach of: Mississippi State Looks kind of like: The guy in a basketball movie who spends the first half of the movie hanging around the court offering unsolicited advice to the frustrated coach before it's revealed that he was once a hometown hero athlete and is asked to help lead the team in the third act. History: Yes, it's true that "Rick Ray" sounds more like a lesser-name member of a hip-hop label, i.e., "The Mississippi State Men's Basketball Team (feat. Rick Ray)." And yes, it goes without saying that he lacks both the hair and the magnificent, for-the-ages hair part that his predecessor Rick Stansbury had. But what he lacks in follicular fortitude he more than makes up for in confidence. "The only thing I've ever done is win games," he told the press when he was hired, secretly hoping that the internet would implode and no one would ever find out about the nearly seventy games he did lose as an assistant coach for both Purdue and Clemson since 2007. So we already know he only deals in half-truths, kind of like the half-truth that "Mississippi State is a formidable basketball program," so we're gonna need to keep our eye on this guy. He's a silly goose. How to defeat him: Ray worked as an actuary in Chicago before realizing he wanted to be a basketball coach. He still, however, can't resist the challenge of devising a loss model of low frequency, high severity risks for institutional clients. Get him going on that, man, and just sit back and score. Frank Martin Coach of: South Carolina Looks kind of like: a character from a Guy Ritchie movie. Or The Transporter. History: The son of Cuban immigrants (as if you couldn't already tell by the name "Frank Martin"), the new coach of South Carolina and former night club bouncer (yes, really) seeks to bring the Gamecocks up from the basement and restore them to mediocrity. Once an assistant at Cincinnati and both an assistant and head coach of Kansas State, The New York Times said he has a "death stare" and he once broke three clipboards during a game when he wasn't happy with his team. It's reported that players have literally ducked to avoid eye contact with him. Have a great season, terrible-players-already-on-the-Gamecock-team-Martin-has-inherited! Your life is going to suck! And Frank Martin in his giant oversized suit might break a clipboard on you! At the NIT! How to defeat him: Wait until Frank Martin comes at you with his bomb attack, and hit triangle repeatedly to dodge these until he tires out. Then hit him with an ice ray. That will stun him and you can hit him several times with your laser cannon to deplete his energy level. Repeat until you beat him and a cutscene begins.

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