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"Honey badger don't care?" I care. I care plenty.

Corey Nichols01/10/12

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Article written by:On3 imageCorey Nichols
  So I had aspirations to write an entire post about Tim Tebow, especially considering the reaction one little mention got me yesterday (Tebow is the Kardashian of the NFL? That's preposterous.).  I even had an F. Scott Fitzgerald quote ready to go to open up.  It was, like, poignant and crap.  However, after watching the SEC BCS Championship game last night, I reconsidered; something else is on my mind.   If I have to hear one more person say "Honey Badger", I'm gonna strangle a dead horse.  That doesn't even make sense.  That's how mad I am.  I hate it.  I didn't even like typing it just now.  I get it.  I've seen the YouTube video.  It was interesting for... maybe three to four minutes, and that's being generous.  Why can't you call the guy by his actual freaking name?  You know the announcers hated saying that over and over again, and if they didn't hate it, they should have.  This idea of giving yourself a nickname is ridiculous, and it's an epidemic originating from the likes of Ochocinco and Metta World Peace.  Those just don't sound cool when you tell people how you got it, like a good nickname should.   A nickname explanation should sound like this: PersonOne: "My name's Karl, but my friends call me the Mailman." PersonTwo: "Why do they call you the Mailman, Karl?" Mailman: "Because I always deliver."     It SHOULD NOT sound like this: PersonOne: "My name's Chad, but you can call me Ochocinco." PersonTwo: "Why can I call you Ochocinco, Chad?" Ochocinco: "Because that's the Spanish translation of my number, eighty-five."     Generally, though, regardless of how good a nicknames is, if you're not part of a team's fanbase already, their players' nicknames are only going to make you like them less.  Any non-Lakers fans like "Black Mamba"?  How many in the Red Sox crowd enjoy hearing "A-Rod" over and over again (in the playoffs)?  Likely few.  Meanwhile, LSU fans probably love seeing Tyrann Mathieu's pseudonym (probably because they can't read "Tyrann Mathieu")(...or "pseudonym", for that matter) on every single ESPN article on the NCAAFB page, even though we likely won't see it for a few weeks after last night.  Typically, though, the rule is this: if you don't like the team, you won't like the nickname.   Like any rule, there are exceptions.  Especially with the older generations of sportsmen/broadcasters.  Those guys knew how to give nicknames that sounded cool and fit absolutely perfectly.  Anybody know Magic Johnson's first name without looking it up?  Don't bother.  I'm not gonna tell you what it is, either, because that man's name is Magic.  It fits him like a glove, and he should only be referred to as such.  Dr. J is another one that transcends the usual nickname stigma.  Dude even got commercials based on his nickname.  Good commercials.  And while those are good, the best nickname ever has to be Randy "The Big Unit" Johnson.  I don't know if it's the audacity or lewdness that makes it so great, but oh my goodness if it isn't fantastic.  Clearly, nicknames can be a powerful tool if used properly.   But what about UK's nicknames?  Surely those aren't bad, right?  There's no question that we certainly love to give them out (See:  Jorts, Boogie, The UnderKanter, just in the last three years).  Honestly, and I'm a little biased here, I think our nicknames are some of the best around.  Because the driving factor behind our nicknames is really just silliness, as opposed to trying to think of a way to make our players sound cooler, it ends up being more endearing and more meaningful.  We get one of the most menacing players in a decade, and we call him Boogie.  That's funny.  Tall white kid?  Better call him Jorts.  And that's what nicknames should be: a fun way to show you care.  NOT trying to make your guys sound like the toughest kid on the block.  Then it just sounds like you're trying to convince yourself, instead of everybody else.   Miscellaneous BCS Notes: -Alabama's kicker (Jeremy Shelley) looks like Josh Groban.  Anybody know if he sang the National Anthem at the start? I bet it was beautiful. -If they make a movie about Nick Saban, he should be played by Tommy Lee Jones. -LSU really was pathetic.  Abysmal.  Atrocious.  I like Les Miles. He coaches like he's playing NFL Blitz, and that's something I can get behind.  But come on... Every single call seemed to be the wrong one.  Les should have pulled a George Costanza at halftime and done exactly the opposite of what his instincts told him.  At least then he could say he tried to change it up.  The announcers celebrated the Tigers crossing midfield like they scored a touchdown, for crying out loud.  It was that bad. -Jordan Jefferson displayed perfectly how not to run an option play.  He consistently ran away from his blockers, and always seemed to be blaming his teammates every time the camera lighted on him after a botched play.  Step up, son. Take credit, and blame, where they're due. -The hats, at the end... "D-ONE"... Done?  Division One?  Defense Won?  Whatever. They were dumb. -A.J. McCarron got Offensive MVP.  Wait, instead of the guy that scored 71% of the points for the entire game?  Garbage.   You'll want to check back in later today to see what else is new. Rumor is, there's a podcast going up.  Then again, I said the same thing yesterday.  Nobody tells me anything around here.

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2022-09-24