How to Write a Lifetime Christmas Movie

Each December the Lifetime Network saturates the airwaves in a sugary B-list martini when it rolls out its undeniably endless catalog of Yuletide Cinema. Familiar achievements like: The Christmas Consultant, Under the Mistletoe, Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus, 12 Men of Christmas, A Christmas Wedding, My Menstrual Christmas, Guess Who’s Coming for Christmas? Aunt Flow---look, Lifetime has a  movie for every holiday occasion, cranking these suckers out in bulk with assembly line efficiency to meet the insatiable appetites of deprived consumers.

I know what you're thinking--man, those Lifetime movie creators have ALL the fun. And that is correct. But the good news is you too can be a Lifetime movie creator. You too, can get in on said fun.

Let's make us a cable-ready Christmas movie, shall we? Here are your basic factory-installed options behind every Lifetime movie (these are interchangeable parts of course, with the plot and theme in this case tailored to the Christmas season). Once you've established the floor plan, the rest is merely cut n' paste. Simply pick a number from each section, combine and stir, and Voila! Your very own Lifetime Christmas movie screenplay.

The Leading Lady:

1. Jennie Garth

2. Tori Spelling

3. Melissa Joan Hart

4. Candace Cameron

5. Delta Burke

Who is...

1. an Advertising/PR Executive

2. a Reporter

3. a Small business owner

4. Terminally ill

5. Pregnant (with puppies)

and also...

1. Single (hopelessly)

2. Engaged (erroneously)

3. Divorced (bitterly)

4. Widowed (tragically)

5. Married (reluctantly)

Plot:

1. Going back home to the boondocks for the holidays...gets stranded somehow. Re-kindles romance with an old flame who, let's be honest, was the right guy all along.

2. Tries to make good on her child's single Christmas wish for "a new daddy." Artfully sluts it up a bit.

3. A note from a "Secret Santa" sends her on a wild goose chase to find the author...and love.

4. Gives birth to a litter of puppies but can only keep one.

5. Has Santa's baby, names it Ethan Claus.

Theme:

1. Christmas is magic, love is real.

2. Believe and you shall achieve.

3. You’re never too busy to go home on Christmas, unless you live in Manhattan. 4. Be happy with what you have, even if all you have is mounting debt and lupus. 5. Sometimes all the answers we seek are right in front of us...all we have to do is look.   Title: With the plot in the bag we can now focus on the ever important title. Just pick one word from each line: A/The 1. Special, Merry, Joyful, Happy 2. Bride, Husband, Santa, Angel, Wedding For/Of 3. Christmas, Holidays, Hanukkah In/At 4. Love, Dixie, Town, Home, the City   That's it. Congratulations, you have a live screenplay on your hands. You are now a Writer. You are going to be rich. As for me, I'm already hard at work on my new project: A Merry Bride of Christmas in Dixie A local news reporter (Tori Spelling) juggles work and a deadbeat fiance as she tries to make good on her daughter's single Christmas wish for "a new daddy" by artfully slutting it up a bit. Will she ever get married? Her check engine light is on, will she ever take note? Will she ever...believe?