How UK Basketball should embrace new NIL opportunities

On3 imageby:Wynn McDonald07/04/21

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Editor’s note: this post is a satirical imagining of current events. None of the news or quotes in this post are real. If any of it happens to be true, it is either pure coincidence or evidence that we are all living in a simulation. Either way, it’s a win for content.

The NIL era is officially upon us. It’s been less than a week since the NCAA officially eliminated its restrictions on student-athletes profiting off their name, image and likeness, and the endorsements are already rolling in around the country. Several UK basketball players wasted no time, with Dontaie Allen launching a T-shirt line just after midnight and Kellan Grady signing a deal with ISlide sandals the next day. Not to mention, pretty much the whole team is now on Cameo.

It’s the wild wild west of sponsorships, and the greatest tradition in college basketball has no intention of being left behind. But did you really think they would stop there?

KSR has gained exclusive access to the next round of NIL partnerships on the UK men’s basketball team, which should be available to fans in the near future. Here’s a rundown of the brands, services and opportunities you can expect to see soon.

NEW DEALS

Davion Mintz & Junior Mints

It’s already been teased on Twitter, and now it’s becoming reality. Fresh off announcing his return to Kentucky, Davion Mintz is set to announce an even fresher partnership — as a brand ambassador for the chocolate candy brand Junior Mints, the popular chocolate candy brand produced by Tootsie Roll Industries. It would have been more fitting two years ago, but better late than never, right?

Commenting on the new sponsorship, Mintz said it was the culmination of a life-long dream that he’s held ever since he found out he could make money off of it. “Ever since I was a kid, I’ve dreamed of the day I could put on the Junior Mints green and white,” he told KSR. “And when I say kid, I mean, like, last week.”

Keion Brooks Jr & Brooks Running

Kentucky’s other returning veteran is racing to get rich as well, and he’s doing it with a trusted family partner: Brooks running shoes! Known for their sporty sneakers and activewear, the Seattle-based company was a natural fit for the lanky forward, and not just because it’s already his name.

“I like running, and I like shoes,” Keion Brooks Jr. said in an interview with KSR. “Actually I don’t know much about Brooks, but they told me this deal was a slam dunk, and I definitely like slam dunks.”

Brooks Jr. added that while he would wear the free shoes the company was sending him in public, there was little chance he’d wear them in a game: “f*** that, we’re a Nike school.”

Brennan Canada & Canada Dry

Pour those whiskey gingers, because the Big Blue Nation has a new mixer of choice. UK walk-on Brennan Canada is announcing a partnership with Canada Dry ginger ale, the Canadian soft drink run by Keurig Dr. Pepper.

“I told them I’m not from Canada, but they didn’t seem to care,” said Canada, a native of Mount Sterling, Kentucky. “I guess I’m just a very marketable guy.”

According to sources, the junior agreed to a player-friendly deal with the soft drink company that only stipulates he drink two cans per game while sitting on the bench. He earns a weekly bonus if he can fill the Gatorade cooler with Canada Dry without anyone noticing.

HIRE-A-PLAYER

In addition to brand sponsorships, the new NIL rules allow a surprising amount of leeway in the way of work opportunities. As a result, several members of the UK team are now offering their services to fans who are willing to pay. Here are a few of those opportunities:

Lance Ware’s Lawn Services

Is your grass getting long, but you just can’t find the time to trim it yourself? Worry not. You can now hire UK forward Lance Ware to mow your lawn for you! For just $25 an hour, the 6’9″ sophomore will come to your house, fire up your mower and start sewing your sod. He may be a little slow, but he promises a high-effort performance no matter what.

“I’m looking forward to connecting with the BBN through my new lawn-mowing enterprise,” Ware told KSR today. “Just tell me where and when, I’ll be ready… as long as it’s not during practice, anyway.”

Kellan Grady’s Tax Consultancy

Tax season may be over, but the next one’s just around the corner — and you need a trusted professional to help you get the most out of your money. Look no further than UK graduate transfer Kellan Grady, the only guard in the SEC with a degree from academically esteemed Davidson College. For a one-time rate of $50, Grady is offering 30-minute consultancy sessions as a tax accountant and adviser. If he can see the floor with the ball in his hand, he can see your financial future, too!

“In my four years of college, I’ve learned a lot,” said Grady. “Now I want to compete for a championship, and give the fans some winning advice as well.”

For an extra $15, he said he’ll also suggest a long-term investment portfolio.

TyTy Washington’s 2k Ratings

If you’re big on video games but low on self-confidence, this could be the opportunity you’ve been waiting for. Freshman guard TyTy Washington is jumping in the NIL game already. For the low price of $15, he’ll review your NBA 2k MyTeam and politely tell you if it sucks.

“Look man, I know a scrub when I see one,” Washington said. “Don’t waste my time.”

SPECIALS

But wait, there’s more! If you’re a K Fund member, you also have access to these exclusive opportunities:

$25 – Watch Anime with Zan Payne

$50 – Build a model airplane with Jacob Toppin

$80 – Go Fishing with Oscar Tshiebwe

There’s never been a better time to be a fan. Hop on these deals, they could go quick!

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2024-03-28