John and Bruce: A love story

I find it completely ironic that the first matchup of Brucie and a UK-clad Calipari is coming on none other than Valentine's Day weekend. It is no secret among those in the 'know' that the secret man-love between the two men creates a palpable sense of awkwardness for everyone caught in a room with them. Sure, in public they have to keep up appearances and take jabs at one another, but those close to the men know that it's like the 1st grade boy who pulls the girls pigtails: They hate because they love.  As women, we've grown used to reading between the lines that men feed us: "I never want to get married." really means,"I don't want to marry other people, but I definitely want to marry you." "I want to sleep with you." really means, "I can't wait to be your husband." "Shh...the game is on." really means, "I want to sleep with you." "I need some guy time tonight." really means, "I need some time with my hot secretary and you should take the opportunity to become a jealous, raving lunatic in order to catch me in the act."   So, I took some time to decode some of the verbal jabs of the past between Cal and Pearl. Hopefully it will give us some better insight into their dirty little secret. Pearl on continuing the Memphis series:"I don't want to deny the fans in Knoxville the opportunity to see one of the greatest coaches who has ever coached the game in John Calipari." With sarcasm. What it really means:"I don't want to deny the fans in Knoxville the opportunity to see one of the greatest coaches who has ever coached the game in John Calipari." Sans sarcasm. Calipari on recruiting in Knoxville: "What good does it do for me to go to Knoxville, other than to play in front of 22,000 people in orange ... I can't stand the color.'' What it really means:"I hate the color orange and I hate Knoxville because they remind me of you, Bruce and what we can never be. We will never be able to go public with our love. We will always be just each other's dirty little secret." Pearl in response to Cal hating orange: "Why would he like orange? I think that's great.  I said when I took this job I wanted Kentucky to be my rival. If we're not competitive, it's not a rivalry.'' What it really means: "I hate to think about us all meeting up together, As soon as I look at you it will show on my face, Then they'll know that we've been loving each other, We can't let'em know, no, no, We can't leave a trace. Secret loooooovers that's what we are, We should not be together, But we can't let go cause we love each other so" Calipari on Pearl: "I respect him. We are competitors. I will never paint my body. I will never wear a white suit." What it really means: "It's only funny when fat guys do it." Vanderbilt coach, Kevin Stallings on their relationship: "I don't agree with all the things Bruce does, or John will do. I don't want to be out there publicly feuding with other coaches." What it really means: "Come on guys, if Billy and I are going to keep our thing a secret, you all need to do a better job of keeping things on the low-down, er down-low."