I thought it was just about time to open up the old mailbag again and see what advice I can give to the men of the Big Blue Nation regarding their interactions with the opposite sex.
My name is Joe Smith [name has been changed to protect the owner's identity] and I have a dating question which requires your expertise. See, I've been seeing two different women for the past few weeks. Both are equally attractive and can cook equally well and since that's really all I care about, I'm having a tough time choosing between the two.
The only major difference between them that I can see at this point is that one is from Tennessee and the other is from Kentucky. Now, I'm not a huge sports fan (I really only keep reading the blog because I'm dying to know if you're hot or not), so they are both pretty equally annoying as far as fandom goes. I thought maybe you could shed some light on the long-term ramifications of my choice and help me decide which one I should select.
Thanks so much for you letter. Ah, the great Tennessee vs. Kentucky women debate. From the outside, the women of both states can seem really similar given their proximity to one another, but if you look close enough there are some major differences that I hope you're ready to handle should you choose the wrong one. And I'm so glad you asked me this because I happen to have a unique expertise in this area having spent some of my childhood in both states. I'll try to be as honest as I can.
As any man knows, and as I'm sure you'd agree with me Joe, there are really only three places that women matter and since you've already said that they are both excellent cooks, we'll say that one is a tie. I'll look into the other areas to help you better choose the right girl for you.
1. In the streets- By "in the streets" I mean how a woman acts when she's out with you in public. I'm going to guess, Joe, that you'd like a classy lady with lots of charm, charisma and character. While there will be bad seeds in all states within the Union (besides of course New Jersey which has proven time and time again to produce women I think we all wish our daughter would grow up to be), you need only to look at one of the latest headlines out of Tennessee to realize you're just asking for trouble:
Crazy enough for you?
2. Between the sheets- At first glance, getting a volunteer in bed seems like a great option. There is something to be said about a person who is ready and eager to sacrifice life and limb for the pursuit of your pleasure, but let's think about this more carefully.
Remember how it was when Annie Pendleton volunteered to be your science club partner in third grade? Sure, it made you feel special for a time, until you found out that Annie had "volunteered" to be Dan's math partner and Eric's chemistry partner and for nearly every other volunteering opportunity with the school. And then you realized that Annie was a little too liberal with her volunteering and had actually been volunteering with your entire grade school class. This is the easiest choice of all. With one girl you'll get a wild animal in the bedroom, with the other you'll get a headache trying to get Rocky Top out of your head.
I have many girl friends from the Volunteer State and I happen to love country music and Elvis just as much as the next person. But when it really comes down to it, Kentucky girls are the best. Whether born in the bluegrass state or adopted in, I think Ashley Judd pretty much sums us up:
"Sure, girls from New York, they are tough. And girls from Georgia, they are sweet. But those born and bred feisty Kentucky girls, they are the ones you have to look out for. We have sugar and fire in our blood. We can ride a horse, be a debutante, throw a left hook and tell you the entire UK line up all while making sweet tea. And if we have an opinion, you get to know it. We're both the pride and the downfall of the bluegrass..."