Kate's Take: Now in Hi-Def

As of last night I can officially categorize my adult life into two distinct phases: before Hi-Def and after Hi-Def. Yes, I know this is 2010 and I may very well have been the last person in the universe to reach this milestone. Best Buy probably had a party when I left, celebrating me as their last untouched frontier.

A Hi-Def TV was something that I had been putting off buying for a long time. It seemed so unnecessary. I already had a rather large TV and besides the enhancement of sporting events and the orange glow tans of Jersey Shore, couldn’t see what it could really do to make my life that much better. Do I really care to know that Katie Couric has yellow nails and Steve Carrell spits when he talks? I didn’t think so.

But when I found myself walking out of Best Buy with a 42″ Hi-Def TV last week, I actually started to feel a little anxious about how it would affect my basketball viewing pleasure. Would I really be able to tell a difference or would this be just fake out along the lines of realizing that forcing your child to watch Baby Genius videos doesn’t in fact make them smarter but is really just a big waste of money?

Years from now I’ll look back at January 12, 2010 and wish I could experience my first game all over again. The soft glow of the new TV, the individual faces of a crowd that a week ago would have looked like the memory of my last year of college (one big blurry mess), the faint glisten of the arena lights on Alex Tyus’ large forehead. Like losing your virginity or hearing “Baby Got Back” for the first time, it was a moment that I’ll wish I could go back and relive again how it felt. Hi-Def ranks right up there with cheesecake, text messaging, and Nettie pots as things that I resisted for years and then when I finally gave in and experienced them, I realized what all the fuss was about.

I am 24 years old and it’s hard for me to imagine that my children will probably never have a TV that is NOT Hi-Def. They’ll never have to squint to see a John Wall dunk, never be shielded from Dick Vitale’s nose hair, never understand what it means to stand on a chair with one leg up in the air, holding the rabbit ears just so your dad can see the Kentucky game.

 

Two things I can’t wait to see in Hi-Def:
1. The NCAA Tourney- I remember when I was young and we got that Picture in Picture thing where you could watch 2 or more games at the same time and I thought that was fantastic. Now I’ll be able to experience all the little things I have only heard tales of but had never caught before. From Pat Summit’s mustache to black players wearing Duke uniforms, the myths will become truths. I imagine seeing the Tournament up close in personal will be like young men going from Maxim to discovering Penthouse: all of a sudden life just seems much clearer.

2. Ben Roethlisberger- I know I’ve mentioned my obsession with him before, but seeing my dream man up close and personal is sure to bring my longings to a whole new level. With my old TV he was like a blurry vision, his chiseled physique a mere blip on my screen. In Hi-Def I’ll be able to see his finely chiseled cheek bones, his carefully sculpted 4 o’clock stubble (left there as if to say “I’m much too busy dreaming of Kate Martin to bother with such petty things as shaving”), and most importantly his fine derriere.

 

Two things I am dreading seeing in Hi-Def:
1. Our first loss- It’s always tough for me to handle a loss. I go through the stages of grief often simultaneously: all at once pissed, heartbroken and bewildered. But I think it will hurt all the more when the score is plastered on my finely pixilated screen and when I have to endure the individual drops on Pearl’s sweat drenched forehead or Coach K’s nearly invisible whiskers or whoever the little rat is that gets lucky and finally beats us. Or maybe my new TV will bring us good mojo and we’ll never lose a game for the rest of eternity. See the way my superstitious mind thinks? I’d probably have thrown the TV out the window last night if the lizards had beaten us.

2. Bruce Pearl- I cannot think of one other person I would least like to see in Hi-Def than Mr. Pearl (although my short list would include Joakim Noah, Rosie O’donnell, and that freaky kid from Malcom in the Middle). For those of you that have already experienced it, I urge you to share your feelings in the comments section about the horror of that event. I can only imagine it will bring tears to my eyes and vomit to my mouth. The only thing I can think of that could possibly be worse is if ESPN did something stupid like create a 3D channel. Bruce, you make me laugh, but I sure as heck don’t want your sweaty armpits in my living room.