Kate's Take: The porn investigation

With the dreaded "off season" upon us, I thought it might be time to reveal a little investigative research I did earlier this year. You may not know it, but along with accounting by day and KSR during the week, I also moonlight as a free-lance investigative journalist hell bent on exposing all the evil manipulations occurring within society. One such manipulation is happening right under our noses and I think it's time to expose it right here on KSR. A source of mine (no, you may not ask how I know her) is involved in a little industry which services millions of men and women each year, serving up grand fantasies and dissolving marriages (or saving them, whatever the case may be) in the process. That's right-I know a porn star. I'll keep her name under wraps for her own protection, but suffice it to say she's shared a lot with me about the inner workings of the pornography industry. Around the first of the year, my "friend" slipped me a copy of a inner-industry memo sent to all the porn stars in all the land, and asked me to blow the whistle on what is really going on behind the scenes. And I thought, "What better place to blow my whistle then right here on KSR?" So, here ladies and gentlemen, is the aforementioned memo in all it's glory:     To: The Pornography producers, directors, and stars both gay and straight across the globe Ladies and Gentlemen, Happy New Year and what a wonderful new year it will be! I've spoken to many of you at length about your contributions to our industry and suffice it to say, we are definitely right on the brink of a complete revolution within the business, thanks in large part to your talents and sacrifices. For many years now our community has been relegated to second class status within society. Our important contributions to the mainstream film and print business have been overlooked because of the nature of our business and the actors and actresses who have cried and climaxed for the sake of their art have been completely degraded in the eyes of their more "serious" counterparts (as if Halle Berry getting paid to show her knockers is any different from what each of you do on a daily basis, but I digress). The time has come for us to make the move that will define this industry for years to come. Our craft has been sufficiently honed and our army built. Now we attack. For years we've been known as perfect tens, so i say 2010 is the perfect year to rise up and take over the world. I have created a blueprint of our attack to unite us under one banner and one objective. For me, 2010 is the starting point for us, the foreplay if you will, with the years following where the true battles will be won. I've been watching this "V" show on TV, and I've decided that we must attack from within so as not to raise suspicion. We must ingratiate ourselves into their culture and strike when they are least expecting it. Our objectives for 2010 are listed below in helpful anagram form to assist you in remembering them more clearly: 1. Scandals-Already some of our most valued undercover operatives have been working tirelessly in an effort to cause drama and chaos in some of the most hallowed institutions within the American culture: golf and monster car garages. I can't reveal any more details, but let's just say that no animal, blonde Swede, or crappy chick flick star is safe from our plot. I am calling on each of you to rise up and find weak men of your own to exploit and then feed to the wolves of our media for your 15 minutes of fame. The following avenues are as yet uncharted and are in need of eager volunteers for the task: Hillary Duff (male needed), Men's figure skating (male needed), and the United Nations. Participants will be sufficiently rewarded. 2. Marriage-Long considered the very blueprint of our society, it's time to destroy some of the most prominent marriages from the inside (literally) out. I am talking about the works here people: dirty texts, unplanned pregnancies, Nazi paraphernalia. We must pull out (not literally) all the stops in order to succeed where others before us have failed. 3. United we Stand- I couldn't think of a good "U" point, so just remember- United we stand, divided we fall! 4. Teams-At the very heart of the culture of America and of the world is sports. We must find a way to penetrate each of the major sports and their legions of followers if we are to have a chance at the ultimate goal. We have already infiltrated one of the most hallowed colleges in American basketball (Kansas University) and our agent there has grand plans for her tasks to bring down one of the most popular sports blogs on the Internet. That , my friends, is what we call double penetration and that is very good for business. We need to be seen at every major sporting event, every coach's arm, every little league soccer game. Not possible you say? If we don't dream big, we'll forever be known as the industry who couldn't get it up. Do we really want that on our consciouses? So in summation, we must stick to our plan of attack, focus on our goals, and let's make 2010 the year that the world got turned on to pornography. Let's make 2010: The year of the porn star! Yours Truly, Bryan the Intern **The above post is completely meant as satire.  Please don't sue me BTI.