Know Your Enemy: Alabama Crimson Tide
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Know Your Enemy: Alabama Crimson Tide

MosKnowsalmost 14 years


Article written by:MosKnowsMosKnows
alabama.jpg My fellow bloggers, Over the course of the past few days, you have seen the political grand-standing of Chris Tomlin, the backroom deals of the Original Intern, and the vote-hauling, beer-trading-for-votes shenanigans of Matthew Q. Jones in an effort to court favor with you, the electorate, in the very important decision that you have in front of you this week concerning who will be "Favorite KSR Person who posts occasionally on things of relative unimportance in the grand scheme of things" (Run-on sentences are fun!). While Matt Jones came into this thing as the prohibitive favorite, a surprise run has been made by the Original Intern. This should come as no surprise to the good people of KSR as they have seen the Original Intern dole out political patronage on this blog over the last week like an incumbent county judge in eastern Kentucky. Just think about how many of your fellow bloggers now sport newly graveled driveways and/or new bridges across the creek to their respective houses. That's county money being used for private means and the Original Intern should be ashamed! Through it all I have remained quiet, stoic even, (and ever handsome) and have risen above the fray in an attempt to demonstrate to you what real leadership requires: A knowledge of movie quotes, pop culture references, and Kentucky basketball history in addition to abs that you could grate cheese on. This, my friends, is what you should be basing your votes on...actually, all of the candidates fit that criteria pretty well...maybe not the abs parts, but...NEVER MIND--A vote for Mosley is a vote for Democracy, Apple Pie, Chevrolets (or Fords), McNuggets, Lee Press-On Nails, the Flow-bee, Corey Haim, and Saved by the Bell reruns. We need CHANGE, and while I won't spell out what change means or what it entails, I'm sure you all will follow along because everyone seems to like that word no matter how vague it is. So let's get some audience participation here: What do we want? CHANGE! What are we going to do for this blog? CHANGE! What do you do to babies' diapers? CHANGE! What do most of you put in the offering plate? CHANGE! What is the general advice to be given to Li'l Kim anytime she's about to go on the red carpet? CHANGE! So, when you are locked in your voting pod today, remember to remember days gone by where I have done things for you that have been really good. I won't cheapen it by offering examples, and ask you not to think too long about it, but just keep a generic and ambiguous sense about how I'm pretty great. Mosley: "There, Reginald, that oughta tide those morons over long enough to get them to vote for me--I feel like the pied piper. I get so sick of pandering to these rubes--" Reginald (Mosley's valet): "--Sir, the microphone's still on." Mosley: "Son of a--!" richard_nixon_campaign_rally_1968.png gravel.jpg With the Intern, not only does he trade gravel for votes, but he gives jobs to strapping young men like this instead of you OK, enough Paul Begala/Tucker Carlson for one day. Summary of last week? Cats get two important road wins at Georgia and Auburn despite Ramel Bradley being in a Jeff Conaway-like state for the past week. Next up is yet another important game--they're all important for the rest of the year, kids--against the Alabamians. Despite the fact that Mark Gottfried and John Brady are constantly on the phone to one another discussing who's done less with more, Alabama does bring in a lot of talent to Rupp on Saturday with Richard Hendrix's wide bottom and the little left-handed guy who jumps like no one I can remember in the SEC. Despite having all this and Alonzo "Gee, I thought he was better than that" in the armementarium of the Tide, Alabama is playing poorly in the SEC and has constantly dueled with LSU for holder of the "Most Disappointing Team" title this year. I keep, stupidly, hoping against hope that the Cats are going to continue their spurt and win enough games to get in on selection Sunday. With a full complement of players, this could actually happen; the Cats could go 11-5 or 12-4 and gain access to the Dance. However, to overcome Vandy at Vandy, Ole Miss, Arkansas, and Florida, the Cats MUST have Jodie Meeks. The Cats' performance in SEC play has been heroic, but I keep thinking that at some point it's got to catch up to them right? Wrong. I will choose to blindly believe that the Cats will finish the year without losing another SEC game and then win the tournament somehow giving them a 1 seed in the NCAA Tournament and with Austin Peay as the 2 seed in their bracket. OOOOOHHHH, Who lives in a pinapple under the sea? KNOW-YOUR-EN-EMY! Location: Since we've not played Bama in football this year, I have to come up with all new material for Location, Notable Alumni, and the Cheerleader Scouting Report. (Sigh)This sucks because it involves a lot more work on my part, so I'm going to try to just mail it in, but my guess is no one will notice the difference between lazy Mosley writing and top-notch Mosley writing because they're exactly the same thing. Tuscaloosa is the home of the University of Alabama and is named after an Indian chief who name means, "Black Warrior", although if this were the case I would have thought the city would be named, "Heshimu". Of course, we must also call out a major pet peeve of KYE: the misalignment between mascot name and mascot. Regardless of how you slice it, Bama fans, Crimson Tide does not = Elephant. Additionally, although I'm no botanist or ornithologist, I don't think I recall there being an African, Asian, and Alabaman elephant in the animal kingdom. Notable Alumni While Bama can claim to have taught such notables as Harper Lee, Mel Allen, and Jim Nabors, one of their more boring alums comes packaged with a store-bought haircut that would make Mitt Romney proud. We are, of course, speaking of ESPN's own Rece Davis. As you well know, ESPN likes to have announcers/analysts specific to each sport. That's how you get the College Gameday crew, the Baseball Tonight Gang, and the NFL Sunday Countdown Posse. Each of these is led by an assigned ESPN announcer and while ESPN sometimes gets it right (Chris Fowler and Karl Ravech), they often get it wrong (Chris Berman and Rece Davis). Rece Davis is boring and never really adds anything. His main purpose is to keep the razzing between Hubert Davis and Jay Bilas at a maximum and ensure that Digger Phelps' life support system is plugged in. If he would focus on this it would be fine. However, he often tries to give analysis with hilarious results and his response to the Tim Tebow "locker room speech" rid him of any athletic credibility. Word is that Rece is soon to retire and further refine his own brand of bigotry that he likes to call "Rece-ism". rece.jpg Rece-ist Cheerleader Scouting Report Nothing to get particularly excited about here, although one girl should quickly be told to put her crimper away because Cyndi Lauper owns that look. Other than that, I'm not sure why the forehead of the girl in the middle takes up half of her head. This is all a little disappointing. bama.jpg Basketball History This season is actually a fair representation of Bama's basketball history in that they have some very talented players, but never seem to win anything. Throughout the '90s it always seemed that Bama would be a couple of guys on the All-SEC teams, Kentucky would get 0 or 1, and Bama would win absolutely nothing. If memory serves, Bama had Robert Horry, Latrell Sprewell, and James "Hollywood" Robinson on the same team at one point and never made it past the Sweet Sixteen. Bama has a slew of past and current NBA players, but have never been able to find consistent team success in the SEC. Here's hoping that continues. sprewell.jpg At least he looks like a team player here Players It really did seem like Ronald Steele played here forever didn't it? He certainly was here for the better part of 10 years and I think I remember him matching up with Anthony Epps at one point. Well, mercifully, his reign of terror is over and we can now--what? he's still around? He'll be back next year?!!!! How's that even possible? Is it like the Kentucky governor's office used to be in that you can't serve consecutive terms, but if you sit one out, you can run next time? Turns out Steele is sitting out this year to heal his Joe Namath-like knees, but will return for a triumphant 12th season at Alabama at the ripe old age of 43. Also, the left-handed jumping freak is named Senario Hillman. My understanding is that his brother's name is Contingency. sixmilliondollar4.jpg Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology...Ronald Steele will be that man...better than he was before...better, stronger, faster. Airtight Predictions Gillispie will continue to be the only coach who uses his Human Victory Cigar at the beginning of games as Mark Coury will get his requisite 3 minutes followed by damnation to the bench. PPat holds his own against Dick Hendrix and that matchup becomes a wash. Ramel returns hungry to catch up on lost time and plays a fine game. Mike Williams will fart once on the bench and Mark Krebs will call him on it. Mike will claim that "The first smeller is the feller" and this will lead Mark Krebs to call A.J. Stewart a girl. Also, Joe blows up and goes for 40. Cats win 126-14. Summary That took a long time. If none of you will vote for me, I'm throwing my support behind the Original Intern just because I think that 1. I can work it out to be his Vice President...of this blog? 2. His dirty money will help keep me living high on the hog and 3. The Matt Jones political machine must be brought down. However, in order for this backroom deal to take place, the Intern would have to promise a political favor to Tomlin and name him Secretary of Awesome. But let's not get ahead of ourselves, because I'm still going to win this election. "Is it OK if I come in? You sure your dog don't bite?" Go Cats.

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