Know Your Enemy: Eastern Kentucky University Colonels

So it is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you will win a hundred times in a hundred battles. —The Art of War by Sun Tzu as read by Joe Mantegna (yes, that Joe Mantegna, seriously) Thanks to the stellar contributions and analysis of the Rob Gidels and Duncan Cavanaughs of the world, readers of this blog should know the ins and outs of this Wildcat Football Team better than Bret Michaels knows bandanas and skanky women. However, as The Art of War audiobook that I picked up in the Letcher County Public Library once told me, knowing oneself is only half the battle. To that end, I will be bringing you a preview of the Cats’ upcoming opponent every Thursday in the hopes that I can break down the game in such a way that you will know exactly what to look for in the way of matchups, schemes, and players. Actually, I’m not especially good at breaking down a game in that way, so maybe I will provide some info that will help you make fun of the sorry wretches that are sentenced to play the unbeatable Kentucky Wildcats. We kick things off (pun totally intended!–I’m like a young Elayne Boosler) with fellow Bluegrass Region inhabitant and neighbor to the south, Eastern Kentucky University. Location: I have forever been annoyed by EKU’s name. If Lexington is in central Kentucky, and EKU is due south of Lexington, how is EKU supposed to be in eastern Kentucky? Richmond doesn’t even get WYMT–a long held determinant of mine as to whether a county was truly in eastern Kentucky. It is only in the eastern part of the state like Bowling Green is in the western part of the state–a point that would surely be argued by Hopkinsvillains and Paducahnites. Beware any college that has trouble describing it’s location and has an overflowing parking lot at the local Ryan’s “Steakhouse”. Notable Alumni: Some familiar names that have graced the Richmond campus include: Rodger “Kentucky Joe” Bingham from “Survivor”, Middlesboro native Harvey Lee Yeary (better known as Lee Majors), Comedian Carl Hurley (in case you don’t know, think of him this way: He is to my grandpa, as Mitch Hedberg is to me), and former Prime Minister of Thailand, Thaksin Shinawatra. Although it sounds like something I would make up, Mr. Thaksin actually did receive his Master’s in Criminal Justice from EKU in 1975. He would later be elected to the office of Prime Minister after a lucrative business career that made him a bazillionaire. Mr. Thaksin was deposed in a non-violent coup led by the Thai military in 2006 and has been in exile in Britain ever since. His most recent turn in the news has been due to his purchase of English soccer team Manchester City. If you want to rile EKU fans, cheer “Go Big Blue!”, but if you would like to stick it to Mr. Thaksin you might try, “Go Big Coup!” (I’m serious folks–a young Elayne Boosler). Thaksin raising the proverbial roof Cheerleader Scouting Report: Hard to get a detailed report for you here as I can find only one picture on the website. Taken together, they do all right. A nice assortment of blondes and brunettes although some would do well to get that membership to Exotic Tan right away. However, due to the lack of head shots (or Glamour Shots) it is hard to tell if they are individually attractive, or if they are just collectively attractive–a phenomenom that I have described to Matthew H. Jones on several occasions. This occurs when you see a group of ladies, but they are too far away to focus on any one in particular. The result is that you judge them as a whole without being able to gauge how they look individually. A good example would be the Dixie Chicks when they first became popular. Collectively, they looked all right, but individually all were lacking. Football History One could certainly argue that Eastern has a more storied tradition than UK’s football team, as the Roy Kidd years can boast of 2 national championships and of serving as a perennial power in I-AA for more than two decades. However, all this success has a bit of a Crash Davis quality to it as EKU has never run with the big boys in I-A. The annual question in the 1980’s was, “Could EKU beat UK in a head-to-head matchup?”–a question I will give you to debate in the comments section, in between comments about how pointless this post was (trust me, it is very pointless). This is not the football team--it is the Bass Fishing Team at the "College Smashmouth Bass Challenge" or something like that Players I had no luck in finding starting quarterback Josh Greco’s Myspace page, so I decided to provide some info on another Josh Greco I found. If the EKU quarterback is even close to being as interesting as this Josh Greco, EKU will win by forty points. Quote: “my name is josh im 6'1.I like chillin with my family and friends.I dont go to school anymore cuz its bull[excrement] at ahs so i just dont go.im 16 and tryin to find a job. i am goin to tutoring to get my ged and [fecal matter] so yea the lazy life is over im gonna change my life around.” I did have to censor Josh a little as this is a family blog. By the looks of his picture, he is one rough customer. Why, I bet ol’ John L. Sullivan would take a walloping at this kid’s hands. Airtight predictions Eastern will grumble that they were only a play or two away from winning no matter the score (Kentucky fans are well-versed in this rationale), and UK’s band will not be good or play anything post-1985. Summary So there you have it. You are now more prepared than a Cub Scout with OCD and I expect you to put this information to good use going into the game this weekend. I’ve tried not to be too harsh on lovable Eastern as they are a state school and I have many friends and relatives that have benefited from a quality EKU education (Williams' Geology Degree comes to mind). My hope is that UK wins by 70 or so points, but then EKU goes undefeated for the rest of the season. Next week, however, Kent is in for the thrashing of a lifetime; first by me as I will slice them with my pen and rapist wit, and then by the Cats with their pointy teeth.