Know Your Enemy: Georgia Bulldogs

So it is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you will win a hundred times in a hundred battles. —The Art of War by Sun Tzu as read by Joe Mantegna (yes, that Joe Mantegna, seriously) I had originally planned on joining Tomlin in walking out on KSR in solidarity around the writers’ strike, but since the venerable and wise President Musharraf declared a state of emergency, I was afraid to take a chance even though I have been assured that the state of emergency is only in effect for the country of Pakistan. You just never can be too careful. Anyway, myself and the rest of the KSR posse left our madrassas a bit early on Friday to venture down to watch the Kentucky Wildcats’ locomotive treat the Vanderbilt Tri-Lambs like so many quarters placed nicely on the railroad track. While the score was closer than I would have liked, the Turkey Hunter and I were able to easily upend the pathetic combination of Hubby and Mike Jones at the parlor game that you’ve probably never heard of called “cornhole”. Also, the Cats won. And by winning move to 7-3 with the distinct possibility of having a 9 win season as they head down “between the edges”, although I think it would make more sense if the phrase were “between the hedges”…you know, seeing as how Georgia’s field has hedges and all. Richington F. Brooks will most assuredly have his squad ready as they travel to Athens and will sand blast the rust off of the offense in order to arrive at the nice, shiny, metal base that we all grew accustomed to seeing at the year’s beginning. Georgia arrives having won four in a row and with losses this year to the once really good Gamecocks and the surprisingly hot (not unlike Diane Lane) Tennessee Vols. Mark Richt’s receding hairline leads the way and youngster Matthew Stafford appears to have joined Stella in getting his groove back. Despite these facts, UGA is more afraid of Richie’s crew than Matthew Jones is afraid of a swimming pool full of kittens. And now…ON TO THE SHOW!!!!!!!! Beware! Location Although I grew up thinking that Georgia was an American state situated in the southeast United States, my research indicates that Georgia is actually a former Soviet satellite and is now a, “Eurasian country in the Caucasus located at the east coast of the Black Sea.” Georgia is bordered by both Turkey and Russia and is a member of the UN and the WTO. Furthermore, Georgia counts both Josef Stalin and maconvol_fan as prominent sons. Notable Alumni Some fun and useful persons on this list include: Kim Basinger, Bill Goldberg, Wayne Knight (Newman from Seinfeld), and every member of REM. Despite the goodwill derived from producing the people on the above list, UGA has also unleashed a blight on humanity in the form of one Ryan Seacrest. Seacrest (that isn't a stage name) was born and raised in the state of Georgia and received a fair amount of his media "training" while majoring in journalism at UGA. Ryan would cut his teeth on local radio shows and appears to have gotten television experience as the host of a number of crappy game shows. His big break came when he was chosen to co-host the first season of American Idol along with Brian Dunkelman. After stabbing Dunkelman in the back, Seacrest became the show's lone host and preceded to become the most ubiquitous person on the planet. Seacrest can be seen and heard as the host of a weekly pop music countdown, on something for E! News, probably something else on Extra or ET or Access Hollywood or Mr. Belvedere (Broktune), and, of course, hitting on girls both younger and taller than him as the host of American Idol. Ryan Seacrest is why the rest of the world doesn't like the United States. ...and I'll tell you who's the most worthless person in the world is...right after the break. Cheerleader Scouting Report The picture below is about as clear as the Zapruder film, so it makes it difficult to gauge exactly what the Georgia cheerleaders are working with. About the only conclusion we can draw is that the gal seated fifth from the left is in desperate need of a spray-on tan. Why spray-on? Because if she were to climb into a tanning bed, she would explode into flames. Football History The Georgia Fightin' (for sport) Bulldogs' history goes all the way back to the early 1890's when, in 1892, they defeated Mercer College (suck it, Dewayne) 50-0. That winning streak would soon be broken by Auburn and the Dawgs would finish their inaugural year 1-1. In 1897, a Georgia player is fatally injured during a game against Virginia and the fallout resulted in the state legislature trying to pass a law outlawing football. The governor vetoed the bill at the request of the player's mother who apparently wasn't especially fond of her son anyway. 1941 saw the Dawgs play in and win their first bowl game with a win over Texas Christian in the Orange Bowl. This would be the first of 42 bowl games Georgia would go on to play in. The very next year, the Bulldogs would win their first national championship. The second one would be close behind in 1980 and, at the start of this year, the Dawgs would have 12 SEC titles to their credit. While Alabama certainly has the most storied history in the SEC, Georgia and Tennessee can argue about who's the Garfunkel of the SEC. Players Although the name Knowshown Moreno is just dying for some exploration and explication, you will hear plenty about him come Saturday. The fully informed fan, however, will know about sophomores Prince Miller and Michael Moore. Prince Miller is listed as playing "weak corner" which isn't a surprise because he has always relied on his misogynistic sex appeal and innovative music instead of strength to get by. The most surprising thing is that Coach Richt allows him to play his games not in a red Bulldog uniform, but in a purple suit with white frills hanging out of the sleeves. Flanker Michael Moore captivates half the coaching staff and annoys and enrages the other half. Film sessions with him become expose' documentaries of the other teams. A few weeks ago he uncovered a plot by Tim Tebow to slowly remove all the homeless people from the streets of Gainesville via cheap wine. The left side of the offensive line found the piece brilliant while the right side decried it as treason. Neither will play any role in this game. Apparently, Georgia likes 5'2 guys with jheri curls and pencil-thin mustaches on their defense A good barb for Moore, "Hey Moore, I thought "Inconvenient Truth" sucked!" Airtight Predictions By my count Dicky Lyons, Jr. is nearing 3,000 yards receiving on the year and has ~61 touchdowns. He considers this a "down year" and promises to unleash his hostilities against the Dawgs. Expect him to dominate the Dawgs and eat a bowl full of finger-food Cheerios while watching "Dora the Explorer" while the defense is on the field. This game will be over by the start of the fourth...literally. The beating will be so bad that Richt will cry "uncle" and lead his team off the field as the 3rd quarter closes. The final quarter is used as a Blue-White scrimmage where, amazingly, both teams win. Touchdowns! Me gusta Touchdowns! Summary If you're making the trip to Athens, understand that you have to go further south on I-75 than exit 104. I fell victim to this confusion two years ago and was disappointed when I had to watch the game at a placed called the "Spearmint Rhino". The staff was extremely friendly, but it was obvious that they were very poor as they couldn't afford proper attire. I will not be making the trek as I am still worn out from the Nashville trip (I still contend that Hubby going missing was not reason enough to wake up at 7:30am). Therefore, I wish my fellow Cat fans a safe sojourn as they travel to watch the Cats win 81-12. Mark it down and check back next week as I revel in my correct prediction. Go Cats.