Know Your Enemy: University of Miami Hurricanes

MosKnowsalmost 13 years


Aritcle written by:MosKnowsMosKnows
"You see, back in those days, rich men would ride around in Zeppelins, dropping coins on people, and one day I seen J. D. Rockefeller flying by. So I run out of the house with a big washtub...I just used it that morning to wash my turkey, which in those days was known as a walking bird. We'd always have walking bird on Thanksgiving with all the trimmings: cranberries, injun eyes, and yams stuffed with gunpowder. Then we'd all watch football, which in those days was called baseball." Such was my family's Thanksgiving as told by Abraham Simpson. So this has been an eventful week with the football Cats dropping their tilt against the Vols for like the third year in a row and the basketball Cats getting things back on track by actually winning a tournament. I can't recall ever watching a live UK game begin at midnight or later, and certainly can say that I've never seen the Cats turn things over more than an IHOP cook and still win. Nonetheless, it was nice to see our blue-clad lads hoisting a trophy for the first time in a while and we here at KYE sincerely hope (and pray) the latest run is a harbinger of things to come. Enter the U. The Hurricanes blow into town (didja see that? Pretty clever, huh?) as a team with expectations for the first time in a while. Ranked #17 in the preseason, Miami has stormed its way (see, I did it again) to a 4 and 2 record with victories over no one useful and losses to Connecticut (understandable because they've got Thabeet, they've got Thabeet, they've got Thabeet. YEAH!, They've got Thabeet) and Ohio State (not as understandable. Aside from Lighty, I don't recognize a single name on their roster from year(s) past). Their playdate with the Wildcats is sure to bring loss number 3 and drop the 'Canes completely out of the Top 25, which will infuriate both Dick Vitale and Will Smith. Bienvenidos a Miami. For Bomani: We are livi-i-i-i-i-ing single, oh, in a Ninties kinda world, I'm glad-I-got-my-girls. Queen Latifah rap that ends with, true blue, we're stuck like glue. By the way, all the girls were a little large for my taste, but Overton was kinda cool despite his wanting to hook up with Sinclair. Kyle was a tool and the tension between he and the gal with the short hair seemed forced. That's just my take. For those who are thinking it, no, that is not Wilbon Location: Well, Miami, of course. I have been to Miami on two separate occassions (is it possible to visit on two same occasions?) and my best story of course involves South Beach where I was constantly just hanging out with movie stars and avoiding the papparazzi. Well, actually, the South Beach part is true, but replace "hanging out with movie stars and avoiding the papparazzi" with "throwing up in a cab due to food poisoning and almost hitting the girl I work with on the shoulder with it." The cabbie took it all in stride and actually was a lot less angry than I would've been. I salute you, Rafael. That's about it for location, so let's move on. Notable Alumni: Some really good ones here led by Steve-O, The Rock, Vincent Bugliosi, and Sylvester Stallone, but we, of course, choose to focus on none other than, Drew Rosenhaus...and Michael Irvin...and Jeremy Shockey...and finally Jon Secada. Wow, Miami, if the four horsemen of the apocolypse (should that be capitalized?) would have attended your horrible school, they couldn't have had a collectively lower reputation than these four. It would be bad enough if it just stopped at professional football with Rosenhaus (TO's agent), Irvin (has gone through more coke than a bottling plant), and Shockey (Giants got better when he got hurt), but you have to go the extra mile with the terrible Marc Antony before there was a Marc Antony (that's not a compliment), Jon Secada. You might remember Jon from such hits as "Just Another Day Without You" and "Nothing Else Because You Tricked Us Into Listening To This Garbage Once Already". Wrap all this together and you get the best that Miami has to offer. Que lastima. That title is an oxymoron Cheerleader Scouting Report: You'd think that if there's any one area where Miami would be least likely to disappoint, it would be in the cheerleader department...and you'd be wrong. This is really surprising, because I would not have thought Miami would go for the whole "talent over looks" approach considering it is the most superficial city on the east coast, but, I stand corrected. Basketball History: For a University of this size and name recognition, surprisingly little. Rick Barry played there when they still used peach baskets, but it was basically him, 40 years, Leonard Hamilton, Darius Rice spurning Kentucky for Miami, and Jack McClinton slapping some guy and not getting suspended. That's it. I've recounted the entire history of Miami basketball for you in one sentence. Be grateful. Players: Well, I guess we must go with resident Bad Boy (not in the Will Smith/Martin Lawrence in Miami kind of way, because that would make him hilarious), Jack McClinton, who I maintain has a name that does not match his look or demeanor. When I think of the name Jack, I think of 1960's business executives sipping on martinis and wondering why Murray doesn't smoke cigarettes like everyone else. McClinton can actually play as attested to by the fact that Coach K and Roy Williams agreed to allow him to be on the ACC First Team last year. Despite his balling ability, he did just punch/slap a guy during the Ohio State game and his coach decided that the best PR move would be to go with making McClinton out to be the victim as opposed to, I don't know, apologizing. May coal (and Meeks' threes) rain down on both your heads. It would be like this guy being named "Mustafa Shabazz" Airtight Predictions: Jodie Meeks is actually attempting to make some of my predictions come true which is amazing in itself. Therefore, I will raise the bar and predict that Meeks scores 400 points tomorrow. Your move, Jodie. Patrick Patterson continues to dominate and frighten all comers and causes each of them to question the existence of God. To be sure, he exists, and is a huge Patrick Patterson fan. Harrelson continues to grow a line beard in order to mock the Cardinals and Michael Porter plays with more thread on his head than William Shatner. Cats by 35. Summary: Enjoy the game tomorrow and the cigarrette that will follow on Sunday with Kentucky favorite SEAN WOODS and his Mississippi Valley Staters and their invading of Rupp. Should be good times and let's hope the Cats depart the weekend on a seven game winning streak. Go Cats.

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