KSR Bachelor Running Diary (Episode 9): Thai-ing the Knot

Episode 3: All Dates Should End in Confetti Episode 4: The Roller Derby That Never Was Episode 5: The Soliloquy to End All Soliloqies Episode 6: WAIT… Did Desiree Say She Lived in a Tent Episode 7: The Night The Sparkle Disappeared Episode 8: The Fake Boyfriend Joke Backfired We're down to three girls, and I can't wait for the end of this show. It was exciting to write about 25 crazy girls. It was exciting to write about a girl who pulled a tie out of her dress and then fell down. It was exciting to write about Tierra's sparkle and her eyebrows. It was exciting to hear about Desiree living in a tent. But it's not exciting to write about two girls who just giggle all the time (Catherine and Wedding Dress) and someone who is constantly talking about her feelings (AshLee.)  And it's not exciting to write about Sean, who may or may not be the most boring person in the entire world. But I'm not a quitter, so we're going to push through and see who ends up winning Sean's heart. Desiree's brother would want it that way. Luke is with me again. Let's get this over with.   KSR Bachelor Running Diary (Episode 9) 8:02- As the show opens, Luke and Sean have this exchange even though Sean was completely unaware of it. Sean: "We're headed to Thailand. There are mountains coming out of the sea. There's blue water, its beautiful. It looks like something out of a movie." Luke: "It looks like Hawaii." 8:04- Does Sean shave his legs? I think he does. If he ends up getting turned down at the end of all this, ABC is a complete failure if they don't play some Deena Carter. 8:08- The first 8 minutes of this show have been unbearable. Boredom leads Luke and I to really bad jokes.  The two jokes above are two of 20 that we've made, and the only two I've been able to print. Wedding Dress' Date 8:10- Wedding dress laments that she has yet to be able to tell Sean that she loves him. While she thinks it weird, I'd say it's pretty normal to not be able to say that to a guy you've known less than a month. 8:12- "Being in this Thai market with Sean is exciting and adventurous. If we end up together our normal vacations will be just like this." This is one of the reasons I hate this show. NO, Wedding dress, you're normal vacations won't be just like this. As soon as this show ends, ABC will not continue paying for your whole life. 8:13- Wedding dress called Sean brave for eating a bug. I don't know where the line for determining bravery is drawn, but I don't think it's anywhere near "eating a bug." 8:14- Luke isn't great at paying attention to the show while it's on. Sean just said, "I'm looking for my high school sweetheart." Luke's response? "Wait, he wants a high school girl? 8:18- More straddling in water. Moving right along. *Commercial* 8:21- On twitter, @CEHunter asks me if I'm buying that Sean is a virgin. I don't know Sean, so speculating is unfair. But I'll do it anyway. It's my running diary. I'd say no. But I do believe the stuff that says he is a "born again virgin." Whatever that means. 8:24- This episode is in Thailand. Luke just said it should be called "Thai-ing the knot." That's it. That's the joke. 8:29- Sean: "So, if we got engaged, you'd be open to moving to Dallas." Wedding dress: "I am. I have, like, everything open..." What the cameras failed to show was the rest of what she said. Luckily, we here at KSR have extensive connections and can find out everything that happens behind the scenes. Here is the rest of what Wedding Dress said: "I'm a substitute teacher. It's not even a real job. I can't pick it right back up in Dallas." 8:31- Luke likes Wedding Dress: "She's the one, man... I mean, I don't know if she is the one for Sean. But she's the one for me." 8:32- WHERE DID THOSE PEOPLE COME FROM DURING DINNER? Did they just happen to be walking through? Another crazy coincidence. 8:33- Sean to Wedding Dress: "From the start I've wanted someone who was funny, compassionate, and loving. And you are both of those things." Sounds like to me he needs someone who can count. *Commercial* AshLee's Date 8:42- AshLee just responded to three straight statements with the words "Oh my god." Sean: "We have our own private beach today. But we have to swim through that cave to get there." AshLee: "Oh my god." Sean: "It's deep. And it's dark." AshLee: "Oh my god." Sean: "You're just gonna hang on to me." AshLee: "Oh my god." At least she wasn't talking about her feelings. 8:43- AshLee then talks about her abandonment issues. Again. Twitter friend Josh Cohron also made sure I didn't forget: "@JoshCohron: @AFlenerKSR Not sure if you've heard, but AshLee was adopted. And abandoned. And, adopted. Also, she was abandoned." I think I understand. 8:47- Can AshLee talk about anything other than how she feels? The answer to that is no. It was rhetorical. Why did you answer it? And why did you answer the "why did you answer it?" question. It was also rhetorical. 8:48- AshLee says: "No two people belong together more than me and Sean." Luke and I came up with a list of people who belong together more than AshLee and Sean: 1. Adam and Eve 2. Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson 3. Stone Cold Willow and Ashley Judd 4. Chris Brown and Rihanna 8:49- Luke: "Sean and AshLee make about as much sense as a Bart Durham commercial." 8:51- AshLee: "Do you get asked 'Why are you single?' a lot?" Sean: "Yeah, but I was chasing my career and other things. I wasn't in a place in my life where I wanted to settle down." We don't have to define "other things", right? 8:53- AshLee: "I don't take getting engaged lightly." She would know she doesn't, cause she's already done it once. 8:59- AshLee just described her perfect ring and ended by saying "My ring finger is a 6 1/2." Again, she would know from experience. 9:01- Listening to AshLee talks makes me want to punch stuff. I don't think she's made a joke the entire season. She ONLY talks seriously about her feelings and never gives any reasons for having those feelings. *Commercial* Catherine's date 9:12- Luke just made a great observation about the way Sean hugs the girls. Let me explain. When Sean hugs the girls, he ALWAYS grabs their butt. However, he does it in the smartest way possible. He doesn't grab their back and then slide his hand onto the butt. That would make them think "he just grabbed my butt." (Not that they would care.) Sean grabs the butt first, then slides the hand up to the back as if grabbing the butt were an accident. It's genius really, and now guys everywhere will try it. And they will be busted for reading this column. 9:19- Chris Harrison, who has the easiest job in the word, must have had a tough week this week.  He had to write ALL THREE fantasy suite invitation notes. I can't imagine how taxing this must have been for him. 9:21- Catherine to Sean: "I hope you don't just hear people saying you're beefy and you're hunky. You're more than that." Is she talking to a soup can? 9:23- Catherine said she is made fun of for being chubby and eating a lot. Beautiful girls have it so tough, you guys. 9:24- Catherine, upon being invited to the Fantasy suite (it should be noted I couldn't hear the words "fantasy suite" without thinking about the Georgia Dome at the fifty yard line where the dirty birds kick for three): "I'm pretty traditional when it comes to relationships." This quote led to another brilliant @JoshCohron tweet: "'I'm pretty traditional when it comes to relationships.' -a girl on a TV dating show, to a guy dating two other women." 9:25- More water straddling. 9:26- ABC just advertised a movie. How could they do that with something this important going on? PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO FIND LOVE THERE IS NO TIME FOR THIS. 9:28- Chris Harrison, y'all. Drink. 9:39- Catherine just said Sean gave her the wiggles. I don't think she was talking about these guys. But I'm not sure. 9:43- AshLee just showed up in that maroon dress. We didn't pause it. Nope. Totally didn't do that. Not at all. 9:44- AshLee, even if you don't win, you can go anywhere in the world and do anything as long as you don't lose that dress. ROSE CEREMONY First rose goes to Wedding Dress. Then the longest pause ever happened. ABC is trolling everyone. This pause was no less than 30 seconds. That's an entire possession in women's basketball. The second rose goes to Catherine. 9:52- AshLee looks like she is going to absolutely kill someone. Her eyes have that crazy glaze. She walks out without even looking at Sean. No crying. No speaking. Sean has to rush to follow her out. He says a bunch of crap that isn't true to make her feel better. It doesn't work. She remains silent. She just stares at him. 9:55- AshLee didn't say anything to Sean. But her eyes did. They said "I'm going to kill you and your entire family." She is now in the cab interviewing without looking at the camera. If "The Rebounder" was a real show like it should be, at this point the man would be removed from the car due to a sincere worry about his well being. I have no idea the thoughts going through AshLee's mind. But I wish I did. I'd print all of them. 9:59- "We'll see you next week as the women tell all and in two weeks for the 3 hour Bachelor finale." *Inserts gun into mouth.*   See y'all in two weeks. We're going to pass on covering "Women Tell All."   @AFlenerKSR