Let's Have a Real-Life SEC Mascot Battle, Everybody!

Chris Tomlinover 8 years

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Aritcle written by:Chris TomlinChris Tomlin
mascot-fight Hello, friends. How are you? Enjoying these quiet summer days before football and basketball? It's certainly difficult to find anything to whet one's whistle this hot, quiet time of year. And if you're anything like me, when there's no UK to watch, the mind flees to other areas -- such as who would win a battle of real-life animals based on SEC mascots. Oh, don't tell me I'm the only one. Good thing for all of you that I happen to be an expert on animals. And science. So let's do that today, shall we? Don't worry! I'm sure you'll think it's garbage. Or it may bring you a few minutes closer to Big Blue Madness. So let's do this damn thing, shall we? We shall indeed. FIGHT! ------- images-4 LSU Mascot: Tiger The Dossier: Our first contender is a tiger, specifically a Bengal tiger. The last "Mike the Tiger" was a Bengali-Indochinese Tiger, but the current Mike (Mike VI) is a Bengali-Siberian hybrid. Obviously we can assume Mike, or any Bengal tiger, is going to make quick work of the birds, dogs and smaller cats in our competition. He could probably take an alligator (seen here). One might assume Mike's biggest trouble is going to be with an elephant (Alabama), but as we see in this video, that's really not a problem. Defeats: Elephant, Bulldog,  War Eagle, Razorback, Wildcat, Gamecock, Gator, Rebel, Bluetick Coonhound, Collie Defeated by: Other Tiger (possibly), Commodore --------- Unknown-9 Missouri Mascot: Tiger The Dossier: See LSU. Missouri's Tiger is affectionately known as Truman. Might be an underdog as at any given time may or may not be totally high. Advantage LSU. All projections below are based upon Truman battling with full control of his faculties. If stoned: bets are off. Defeats: Elephant, Bulldog,  War Eagle, Razorback, Wildcat, Gamecock, Gator, Rebel, Bluetick Coonhound, Collie Defeated by: Other Tiger (possibly), Commodore ----- Unknown-2 South Carolina Mascot: Gamecock The Dossier: South Carolinians are going to try to sell this thing as the most ferocious fighting rooster around. Still a rooster, sorry. The gamecock is food for any animal on this list. Might take a the Bluetick Coonhound on a good day, maybe a sick collie, but chances are this chicken is fried. Defeats: Bluetick Coonhound (possibly) Defeated by: Tiger, Elephant, Bulldog,  War Eagle, Razorback, Wildcat, Gator, Rebel, Commodore, Collie ----- Unknown-3 Florida Mascot: Alligator The Dossier: The Gator is a formidable opponent. It could easily fell most competitors on the list save the tiger, possibly, and a well-armed Commodore. Might take a baby elephant but a full-grown pachyderm is gonna just be too heavy for a gator to take down, as seen here. All cats, dogs and birds are toast, however. Defeats: Bulldog, War Eagle, Razorback, Wildcat, Gamecock, Rebel, Collie, Bluetick Coonhound Defeated by: Commodore, Elephant, Tiger ----- images-6 Kentucky Mascot: Wildcat The Dossier: Look, I love UK, and so do you, but let's call a spade a spade -- a wildcat is really just a wild cat. In the wild, it may be bacteria-ridden enough to cause a slow death for a coonhound or collie, and it might take a gamecock. I hate to break it to you, but the most impressive thing this cat can do that other competitors on this list can't is dunk a basketball (and even that's not totally legit). Defeats: Gamecock, Bluetick Coonhound, Collie (?) Defeated by: Commodore, Rebel, War Eagle, Bulldog, Elephant, Tiger, Alligator ----- Unknown-8 Tennessee Mascot: Bluetick Coonhound The Dossier: "Smokey," as the Volunteer mascot is affectionately known, is awfully cute but awfully vulnerable to attacks from above (eagle), from thick brush (alligator), from a boat (Commodore), and pretty much everywhere else. Even a prissy collie is larger. We'll give him the gamecock (possibly, see above), but that's it. Kids, Smokey's going to live on a farm far away where he'll have plenty of room to run. Wink. Defeats: Gamecock (possibly) Defeated by: Tiger, Elephant, Bulldog,  War Eagle, Razorback, Wildcat, Gamecock, Gator, Rebel, Commodore, Collie ----- Unknown-4Unknown-5 Georgia & Mississippi State Mascots: Bulldogs The Dossier: Let's loop these two together, because they're essentially the same. Look, I'll break it down to you like this: if you saw two human beings fighting and one was wearing a fashionable sweater and one was wearing a studded collar and leather, who would you presume might win? Yeah, me too. Sorry, Uga. Defeats: Gamecock, Wildcat, Bluetick Coonhound Defeated by: Tiger, Elephant, Bulldog,  War Eagle, Razorback, Wildcat, Gamecock, Gator, Rebel, Commodore, Collie ---- article-new-ehow-images-a05-7l-f9-razorback-hogs-natural-habitat-800x800 Arkansas Mascot: Razorback The Dossier: If you want to get really amped up about Razorbacks, check out this trailer for the Australian film Razorback or read this terrifying e-book about one. But if you want the truth, here in the States razorbacks are really just feral pigs; in the wild they're more or less like nature's candy, and a lot of larger things eat them They can attack and kill a dog, however, so we'll give them the dogs and smaller birds here, sheerly on size. Defeats: Bluetick Coonhound, Collie, War Eagle, Wildcat, Gamecock Defeated by: Rebel, Commodore, Tiger, Elephant, Gator ----- images-5 Auburn Mascot: War Eagle The Dossier: Here's the deal; a "War Eagle" is really just a golden eagle, and golden eagles mainly just eat rodents and that kind of thing. However, here's a video of a golden eagle flying away with a lamb , and I'm gonna guess by the size of that lamb that we can give it a bluetick coonhound and a wildcat just on technicality. Otherwise, it's not going to do a lot of damage in the long run. Defeats: Gamecock, Bluetick Coonhound, Wildcat Defeated by: Alligator, Elephant, Razorback, Rebel, Commodore, Gator, Bulldog, Tiger ------ Unknown-6 Texas A&M Mascot: Collie The Dossier: Yeah, I know. On paper it's an Aggie. But in reality the mascot Texas A&M has at every game is a fancy collie named Reveille. It's pretty, but this isn't a beauty competition; it's a fight to the death. And the fact that Texas A&M is already on Reveille VIII since 1931 means these guys are fairly perishable. Defeats: Gamecock, Wildcat, War Eagle Defeated by: Alligator, Elephant, Razorback, Rebel, Commodore, Gator, Bulldog, Bluetick Coonhound, Tiger ----- images-3 Ole Miss Mascot: "Colonel Reb" The Dossier: Look at this guy. I mean, just look at him. Total douche. I mean, if you knew this guy, you'd probably pray that he did get eaten by an alligator or a tiger. He's too big, just physically, to be taken down by a dog or a bird, probably, and simply because he's human he gets a lot of leadway here. He has a cane, which is also something to fight with. But he's also wearing a cape. Again, douche. Defeats: Gamecock, War Eagle, Coonhound, Wildcat, Bulldog, Collie Defeated by: Elephant, Alligator, Tiger, Razorback, Commodore ----- Unknown-7 Alabama Mascot: Elephant The Dossier: Gonna be tough not to put Big Al near the top, as the elephant is quite simply one of the wild's great giants. A tiger's going to prove too tough, but we've already seen that an alligator can't take it down. It flattens (most of ) the competition. Defeats: Gamecock, War Eagle, Coonhound, Wildcat, Bulldog, Collie, Alligator, Razorback, Rebel Defeated by: Tiger, Commodore ----- mr-c-250-logo1 Vanderbilt Mascot: Commodore The Dossier: Normally it would be a safe bet that "Mr. C," the Vanderbilt Commodore, would be easy prey for the larger and more wild of our mascot competitors, possibly even defeatable by wildcat, coonhound or collie (if particularly riled). But Mr. C, given his official illustration, has been granted not only a sword, but a cannon. A cannon! That's a ringer, folks. I think we can all agree that's nearly impossible to beat. And probably a little unfair. Defeats: Tiger, Elephant, Bulldog,  War Eagle, Razorback, Wildcat, Gamecock, Gator, Rebel, Bluetick Coonhound, Collie Defeated By: Without cannon/sword - Tiger, Elephant, Bulldog,  War Eagle, Razorback, Wildcat, Gamecock, Gator, Rebel, Bluetick Coonhound, Collie. With cannon/sword - Nothing. ----- WINNER: It would seem true that man is "the most dangerous game." Especially if that man is a decorated maritime officer with a sword and a giant cannon pointed right at you. Kudos, Vanderbilt. Thanks to the lofty embellishments of an illustrator, a boating hippie just became the ultimate instrument of real-life mascot destruction. Your move, LSU. Add a jetpack and a laser eye onto Mike the Tiger and it's a whole different ballgame. Just food for thought. Back to your Thursday, everyone!

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2021-09-25