Made-Up Quotes From Louisville's Practice Because We Can't Go

The University of Louisville banned any "Kentucky media" from speaking to its coaches and players this week, which is a first. But we didn't get to where we are (wherever that is) by letting people walk all over us and tell us what we can and can't do. No sir. I will not be told I can't do my job by some SID and media relations staffers with Bobby Petrino's nipples in their mouths. That ain't my style. I'm a go-getter and I will cover Louisville's pre-Kentucky football practices if my little heart desires, and my little heart desires. So now that we got that out of the way, here is today's completely made-up practice report from the Louisville football facility:   Bobby Petrino tired of "changed man" narrative. Today, Louisville head coach Bobby Petrino said he's tired of the misreporting of his personal life. Several Louisville media members have written that he's a changed man in his second stint at Louisville, but he can't take it any longer. "Changed man? Yeah right," Petrino told reporters. "I parked my motorcycle outside Molly Malone's last night and walked right in with intentions of stealing someone's girl, anyone's girl. Married? I don't care. I'll tell her, 'Hop on the back of this Harley, baby girl, and let's take this party elsewhere. Daddy just took three blue pills and he's ready to ride.'" When asked if Petrino thought his comments were inappropriate and unrelated to Saturday's game, he asked the reporter, "Who are you? You know what, it doesn't matter who you are because when I leave for a better job next year, your ass won't matter." It was a really bizarre and uncomfortable scene to start the press conference. Petrino ready to fight at mid-field again. You may remember the pregame fisticuffs the last time Kentucky made the trip to Papa John's Stadium. Bobby Petrino expects more of the same this year and he even went as far to say he will punch Vince Marrow in the throat if Marrow so much as looks his way before kickoff. Petrino then changed his attitude when I reminded him Marrow is twice his size, and like Mark Stoops, comes from Youngstown, Ohio. "You're right. Both Marrow and Stoops would break my jaw if they knew I said that," Petrino said. "I'm used to pushing around everyone within the athletic department here at Louisville, being a real asshole because I can, you know? I want no piece of Marrow, Stoops or anyone for that matter. Please cut this part of the interview." Lamar Jackson plans to sit out next season. In some potentially devastating news to next year's roster, Lamar Jackson said there's no chance he will play football next season. Jackson has taken the advice from his agent and plans to sit out his junior season to avoid any risk of an injury. "There's no reason for me to come back and risk my NFL career," Jackson said. "I'll be the first quarterback taken in the 2018 draft, so it makes the most sense for me to finish this year, win my Heisman, and rest up for the next level." Cards fans aren't going to take that too well.   More from Louisville practices, which I can't attend, throughout the week...