Need-to-Know Wednesday is BACK ON THE AIR!

*The following reading is optional. Friends, You'll surely have noticed by now that the former title of this column has returned. The feeling, for me is bittersweet, for although it means that I've regained the rights to the Need-to-Know franchise, it also, sadly, means that production on the film bearing its name has ceased its production. It seems that Jennifer Lopez bailed on the project, Frankie Muniz developed a scalding case of shingles and Owen Wilson was replaced by Eric Roberts. New Line Cinema's reps told me whole thing just "wasn't working," and relinquished the name back to me. Hey, that's Hollywood. But that's neither here nor there. These days, Kentucky Sports Radio, which ironically started as a website, with no radio affiliation, is finally living up to its name. Thanks to those of you who are loyally tuning into the station from three to seven each day. It's been exciting for the crew here, and we've embraced the opportunity to grow the show. It's a lot like television, only you don't have to be dressed. Which is so freeing for an artist. That's not to say there aren't rules to radio, of course. There are. We are responsible for our own content, sure, but we also have to uphold the reputation of our host station, 1570 the Zone. When we first signed on to do this, we were issued by the FCC a standard set of issues and guidelines to follow. These guidelines are, of course, set in place to discourage any legal trouble which might come from naked people broadcasting a radio program, and keep the airwaves relatively safe for those who may be easily offended. I thought it might be interesting to share that brief, but informative, memo from the FCC today. I suggest printing it off and tucking it away, for one never knows when he or she will find themselves on the radio. It's quite helpful. And it follows below: ----------------------------- Dear new radio hosts, Welcome to the airwaves! My name is Kevin J. Martin, the Chairman of the Federal Communications Commission, and while we here at the FCC are all very excited about your new venture, we wanted to be sure you realized that there are rules in place for radio, just as there are rules in place for television. These rules serve to protect you as much as they will help to assuage the American People, and we'd like to go over a few of those with you today. 1. Profanity is strictly prohibited. While we assume you already can guess many of the "biggies" on this list, the FCC is also trying to further police certain nouns which may have profane connotations. These list includes, but is not limited to, words like ball, butt, sag, penal, clambake, runs, turtle, titular, corkscrew and moist. As you are a sports radio show, we would also like you to refrain from double entendres such as taking it to the hole, splitting the uprights, scrum, penalty box and showing bunt. Please be assured we will be listening. 2. Sound effects of a profane nature will be policed. This audio includes the sounds of urination and defecation, but also encompasses sounds such as cake batter being mixed, ketchup bottles being emptied, and exclamations which are often heard during the act of lovemaking, such as the exclamation "Bring it around town!" When in doubt, use discretion. 3. Screen callers carefully. Many callers want nothing more than to deviate our American way of life. Caution should be used when dealing with such callers, who may include those who wish to disparage the government, those who act upon an unkempt sexual lifestyle, and carnival employees (see "The People V. Spilburg County Fair, 1997). 4. Refrain from slanderous accusations. To discourage legal issues, please choose your words carefully. Examples of "cleaned up" remarks may include "These acts of the government lead me to believe that the person or persons in charge have a clear view of their own insides, which they must have accessed through one of the human orifices we all share in common." and "I do not believe this Lindsay Lohan to wash herself properly." We have no doubt that your time on the radio will be fruitful and successful (note: neither fruitful nor successful are not to be used on-air, as they are on the list). We hope you have a rise to fame as the newest denizen of our nationwide community! Happy broadcasting! Yours, Kevin J. Martin Chairman, FCC ---------------------------------- So that's your insight for today. Now feel free to sit back and enjoy the following film, which some clever individual edited to display some of the worst movie moments of all time. It's generally safe for work, but does contain a moment of risque language, so please be warned. That is all.