Rating My Neighbors

by:Matt Jones08/31/06

Over the past few weeks, many of you have said to me, “yeah Matt, we love the whole “UK sports news” part of the blog, but what happened to the random, non-sequiter, self-absorbed posts that made the blog grow.” Well my friend, this is one of them. It is way too long and rambling and I am not sure anyone would want to read it….perfect for the blog.

Today I moved into my new apartment in Louisville. As I was beginning the process of unloading my stuff, I noticed an attractive girl sitting on the steps. When I walked by and said hello, a conversation began. I asked her name, where she was from, etc and then what she did. Of course I expected her to say “go to school”, but that is not what came out. No, she responded, “I work as a diva in professional wrestling.” My face must have been aghast, as she laughed and said, “I work for ECW.” Yes ladies and gentlemen, my neighbor is the lady, you see above (and no that is not me with her), professional wrestling phenom “Kelly Kelly” of ECW. Apparently “Kelly Kelly” is actually Barbie Blank (I suspect thats not her real name either and this is her official website. I am sure to most of you, the KSR Radio Compound just became a more popular place, but it is still home to me.

I bring this up only to say, that having a professional wrestler as my neighbor made me wonder how she might stack up against my past neighbors in my life. So I decided to do this overview of “NEIGHBORS OF MATT’s THROUGH THE YEARS.”

College-Freshman Year The two guys in the room next to me were both named Brian. One was a preppy, pretty boy who took to playing Marvin Gaye as a “signal” that he and his girl were having “special time.” He ruined Marvin Gaye forever for me. The other was a psycho who was always sharpening his knives. Awww the joys of random roommate selections. GRADE C

Summer 97 I lived in the Transylvania dorms in a co-ed facility for the first time. The only neighbor I had was a friend of my then girlfriend whose name shall be protected (although many of you know her propensity to declare edicts.) Is there anything worse than having to be friends with your girlfriend’s friends? They are always either, fat, annoying or telling your girlfriend how awful you are. They are the worst. GRADE C+

College — Sophomore year I lived next to MaconVolFan and Dick Foley, Male Nurse. MaconVolFan (as readers of the blog know) has a propensity to tell awful jokes, but he has lots of chest hair and is very likeable. Dick Foley, Male Nurse is now an acting coach (should actors have “coaches”?) and was 45 when he was 19. Mediocre year. Grade B-

Summer 98 — First off campus apartment of my life and I shared it with KSR Radio contributor Tomlin and others. We had a neighbor who was Jamaican, there was a fight outside our door where I thought someone was going to be thrown down from a second floor overhang and my friend Craig got punched by a UK football player. Very good year. GRADE B+

College — Junior Year — Lived next to two self-professed science fiction dorks who were named Todd and Abe. They were absurd and had an answering machine message that (really) said “BEEP BOOP BEEP. That’s right R-2, Todd and Abe arent home right now….” These amazingly nice guys were either smoking or skipping graduation to play the Dukes of Hazzard video game at all times. They are best known for taking the WWE nicknames of then-tag team “Too Cool” and going by “Toddy Too Hotty” and “Grandmaster Sex-Abe.” Brilliant. GRADE A-

Summer 99 Studied at Oxford University in England and lived in a co-ed dorm. My next door neighbor was a Miami Florida cheerleader named Maria who was beautiful and seemed to have great potential. However she spent most of the summer reading “books” and “educating herself” rather than talking to me. She did however once make me a ham sandwich, so it wasnt all bad. Grade C+

College — Senior Year Best pre-Kelly Kelly neighbors ever, Turkey Hunter and Payne. The two of them set new standards of lazy and any day could find them without pants and ready to watch a marathon of any television show, especially if it was on MTV. Payne did have a friend named “Lisa” who was the Rita Cosby of visitors, but it can be overlooked. GRADE A

Summer 00 — MaconVolFan and I lived with a guy we called “Gay Rob” for no reason other than he was handsome and neat. We decided early on that his abruptness with us was reason to hate him, thus we set out to ruin his life by buying pay per view movies on his cable and having the Turkey Hunter eat all his goldfish crackers. Eventually he cracked and moved out. He wasnt a neighbor, but he made me want to build a fence around his room. GRADE D

Law School Year 1 — Moved to Duke Law School and lived in the building next to internet legend Tucker Max. If you dont know of Tucker Max go to TuckerMax.com. If you do know him, then yes, he was just as he seems on the site. However I did find him a bit underwhelming in person and not quite up to the hype. Sort of the Marvin Stone of neighbors. GRADE C+

Summer 01 — Lived half the summer in Charlotte and half in Lexington. The half in Lexington was in a couple I didnt know’s garage. They seemed to fight a lot and I could tell things were really bad when they would turn all three showers on to drown out the noise. They did however give me free Sprite. GRADE Solid B

Law School Year 2 — Lived next to a Mexican family that (I kid you not) made tacos literally all the time. The parents would sing taco songs, the kids would throw the tacos at each other…..occasionally I would even see taco holiday decorations. It was strange and discomforting. GRADE C-

Summer 02 — Lived in the “Prostitute” section of Washington DC on 10th and M. I knew very little of my neighbors, but they all seemed to be working from home, were very friendly and dressed up late at night. Good group. GRADE B-

Law School Year 3 Lived in a house with three other guys next to a rambunctious recently-divorced attractive mother and her hard-partying 16 year old daughter. We all knew it was bad news and stayed away, deciding to not mow our lawn for a year for protection. It worked. GRADE C

2003-2004 Moved to Arlington, Virginia and lived in apartment in yuppy Courthouse district. My next door neighbor worked for the Washington Wizards and tried to sell me season tickets by offering me the chance to “meet Larry Hughes.” I bought them, the Wizards sucked and I met Evan Thomas. All in all, I call it an even deal. Grade B-

2004-2005 Raleigh, North Carolina and the only neighbor who would speak to me constantly asked me what I thought about the weather. She greeted me everyday with “what do you think the storm front will do.” I didnt have the heart to tell her that not only did I not know what it would do, I didnt know it existed. Very taxing time. GRADE D+

2005-2006 Lexington, Kentucky where my immediate next door neighbor was fat, hairy and liked to saw wood at eleven o clock at night. I was going to confront him about it, but then he burped with a force that made my double crown stand up. I let him go. Kip Clemens, son of the Rocket, lived one building over, which was nice….but I rarely saw him and when I did, saying “hey I like your dad” seemed lame. Sort of a wash GRADE C+

And now I am here in Louisville. How will the Kelly Kelly saga work out? We shall see, but in the meantime, check out ECW on Tuesday nights on SCI FI and you can see my Skippy/Urkel/Jim J Bullock (all wacky neighbors) in action.

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