(Re)learning to Smack Talk a Tarheel

Because delivering a proper Smack Down of an opponent can be a hard thing to do, I’m re-releasing a post I wrote in the blog competition.  With North Carolina coming to play tomorrow, there is no better time to learn how to talk trash, nor a better person to learn from than Professor Badass.  (Some jokes have been changed to protect their timeliness.) Plus now I know the Charolette Observer is reading.

Good morning class, I’m glad to see you all weren’t out too late at the driving range with Tiger to make it in. My name is Seth McGranderland, but you can call me Professor Badass. I specialize in what I like to call, Smackology. That is, the art of Smack Talk. To give you an idea of what my classes are like, I’m going to let you hear my introductory lecture for my course. With that being said, welcome to Smack Talk 101.

To start things off, we’re going to discuss who’s coming to town tomorrow.  One of the most fun and rewarding teams to talk smack about, The North Carolina Tarheels. Recently the dreaded heels have been on a bit of a successful streak, which means two things. 1) They seem to have more fans than ever (the bandwagon effect, for those of you too busy toking up during D.A.R.E.) and 2) it is harder than ever to make fun of them. Not only have the bad guys won every game since 2004, they’ve also won the national championship twice since the last time our beloved heroes gave them a loss for Roy to cry about. So how can we make fun of them? Well, baby birds, like me it requires both style and finesse. Listen closely.

First, as with all teams, we must identify which kind of fan we are dealing with. Years of research has concluded that the UNC fan base is primarily made up of two kinds of fans.

The Wine and Cheesers — These are the types that inspired the ugly, ugly, argyle uniforms. You know the type. They are the fans that go to the basketball games because they can afford it, and view the entire procession as a social event opposed to a way of life. They care if they win, but they don’t if they lose. In other words, they are the typical UNC graduate. In their natural habitat, they can be heard asking “Whatever happened to that white guy we had last year?” and are likely unable to name a basketball alum other than Michael Jordan (and face it, that’s mainly because of the UNC shout out in Space Jam.) They are identifiable by their powder blue ties and fifty dollar haircuts.

The Unfortunate Few — What strikes me as something sadder than Billy Gillispies future, is that some of the UNC fans are in fact, quite intelligent in regards to the game of basketball. They were just unfortunate enough to be born under the sissy shade of blue. These are people you could really get along with, if only they were aware of just how much better the University of Kentucky is. They are identifiable by the lack of joy you see when you look into their eyes.

These two types must be approached in two distinctly different manners when attempting to smack talk. You must understand what it is that is important to them and how to crush that belief so finely that not even Clyde Lynn would try and snort it. Let’s go over a few of the basics.

When discussing basketball with The Wine and Cheesers, the goal isn’t to prove our own superiority, it is merely to prove their inferiority. At the very core, these types of fans care more about their own image than the basketball team they support. Much like that friend of yours who calls you when Edgar Sosa drains a three, but keeps refusing your invitations to go to porcini’s, these ‘fans’ have very little invested in their team. Keep this in mind as we go over a few of the Do’s and Don’ts.

Do call them on it when they let a UNC talking points slip. 6 national titles? Not unless you get your information from a Wheaties box. (Which, admittedly, they do.)

Don’t call them Tar Whores, Tar holes, or Car Deals. Not only will they not get it (their mascot is what again?) you can do better. Seriously. Car Deals? What’s that even mean?

Do dominate the conversation with your basketball knowledge. Roy Williams coached where before coming to UNC? Who is Matt Doherty? We have two guys with the last name of Wear on our team? What is he doing to Wojo?! Wrong school, I know, but they probably won’t.

Don’t bring up the last four years. At all. Remember our new saying, “Envy our past, Fear our future.” We officially make no claims on the recent past, outside of our hiring of John Calipari.

Do bring up the fact that the Governor of North Carolina went to undergrad at University of Kentucky. She knows what’s up.

Do tell them their Merlot tastes like Boones Farm.

Don’t forget, if you’re actually drinking Merlot instead of Bourbon, you will be Riddick Choked.

Compared to The Wine and Cheesers, the next fan can be a delight to talk to. They will understand the game, be aware of the race to 2000, and still have nightmares about Prince being open from three. This type of UNC fan is few and far between, but they can be a pleasure to talk to, as they have respect for the Kentucky program as well they should. However, that doesn’t mean we can take it easy on them. We must never forget that in all their knowledge, they still manage to stare at Tyler Hansbrough and choke back tears, while the rest of us are choking back vomit. The key to smack talking with a knowledgeable UNC fan is debating the merits of each program, and not the individual teams.

Do bring up our statistical domination. Even at UNC they have (probably) been taught that seven is a larger number than five. On top of that, Kentucky has more total wins, is likely to get to 2000 first, and has won more titles with more coaches.

Don’t let them bring up the past four years in comparison. When debating with a UNC fan, it is important to stay focused on the larger picture, and the full achievements of the program must be taken into account.

Do look to the NBA. UK has put more players in the NBA so far than UNC, and with Calipari on board, the gap will continue to widen.

Don’t fail to bring up the greatest college team to ever play basketball, the 1996 Kentucky Wildcats, if they try and bring up Michael Jordan.

Do bring up this. One of UK’s star freshmen dunking on one of their greats? Check.

In fact, just bring up John Wall. If the number one draft pick grew up within skipping distance of the University of Kentucky, there’s no way John Calipari lets him go to UNC.

Don’t forget to order them John Wall to go with their Cheerwine after we destroy them this Saturday.

Cutting the national champs down a level can be a hard task to accomplish, but if you stick to these talking points, it can be done. The key thing to remember is, for the most part, the fans of the Tarheels are terrible people whose own parents don’t even love them. For if they did, wouldn’t they have been raised a Wildcat?