SEC Football Coaches as College Student Stereotypes

 

College campuses are a very diverse and unique place when it comes to the people that inhabit them. Attending a major university for four years, you will encounter a wide variety of people and with this diverse collection of people and personalities, stereotypes emerge. Let it be clear these stereotypes are ones only associated with college campuses.

Tonight, since football season is on the horizon, I have decided to compare these diverse college student stereotypes with another incredibly diverse collection of people: SEC football coaches. I have decided to associate each one of the coaches of UK’s upcoming SEC schedule to the college student stereotype they are most likely to be. So here they are:

Jim McElwain (Florida): Longboard Guy

It has been well documented that ol’ Jim refuses to wear socks with any kind of attire and everyone remembers his embarrassing sunglasses tan line from SEC media days two years ago. These blunders seem almost calculated and intentional. So something tells me McElwain is just seeking attention. Jim McElwain is the guy who rolls through campus on an extra-long skateboard, widely known as a longboard. Longboard guy wants you to notice him as he recklessly rips through campus nearly causing people to fall as they get out of his way. Longboard guy uses his unique mode of transportation to get you to notice him in the exact same manner McElwain uses his lack of socks with dress shoes to get you to notice him.

Will Muschamp (South Carolina): Non-Contributing Group Project Member

Anyone who has ever attended a single semester of college will tell you group projects are the worst thing since the “Moments” feature on Twitter. The reason for this is there is always one person in the group who, without apology, contributes nothing whatsoever to the project. Despite doing absolutely nothing, he or she inevitably will get an “A” all thanks to the rest of the group’s hard work.

Will Muschamp has successfully landed another big time SEC head coaching job despite doing next to nothing that resembled success at Florida. Muschamp, at this point, has become almost as good as Joker Phillips at falling up, to the point where it is almost admirable. I admire him in the same way I admire the non-contributing group project member in that they achieve so much by doing so little. I bet Muschamp’s players and coaches have countless emails and group texts that say, “Yo I’m feeling sick probably won’t make the meeting tonight, my bad.”

Nick Saban (Alabama): Child Genius

This is one of the more rare stereotypes one will encounter on a college campus but they exist. Much like Nick Saban is a rare breed of college football coaches. Lord Saban is the thirteen year old genius you see from a distance walking into the chemical engineering building. Much like Saban, the child genius has a tough time identifying with “normal” people because he is intellectually on another planet. Saban is short, another common characteristic of thirteen year old genius, and thirteen year olds in general. A child genius has no interest in girls, or partying, or anything else enjoyed by the common student. They keep to themselves and focus on their passion. Nick Saban is going to keep to himself, watch game film and eat exactly two oatmeal creampies for breakfast. That’s just how he operates.

Derek Mason (Vanderbilt): Gym Guy

This is certainly one of the easiest stereotypes on this list to pinpoint. Just take one good look at Derek Mason and it becomes obvious he is the guy on campus who seems to live at the rec center. He’s the guy who’s at the gym when you get there and is still there when you leave. When you see him outside of the gym he is constantly drinking out of his shaker bottle and complaining about how outrageous whey protein prices are. It wouldn’t surprise me if Derek Mason was in the best shape out of all his players and taunts them in the gym for how “ugly” their military press technique is.

Dan Mullen (Mississippi State): Leaves Class Early Guy

There is always somebody during a Calculus I lecture who decides they’ve had enough and leaves class early. It disrupts the entire class and usually ends with the professor condescendingly saying, “See ya later.” This is the most common awkward moment in a college class room making “Leaves Class Early Guy” the king of awkward moments. Dan Mullen recently made a few awkward moments of his own at SEC media day after making a few questionable comments regarding a domestic dispute involving one of his players. Mullen was also reported as seemingly trying to make light of the situation as well. This aligns very well with a person who leaves class early because they will always tell you, “it wasn’t a big deal.”

Missouri’s Coach (Missouri): Unfamiliar Familiar Face

The name of this stereotype can be a bit confusing but it certainly exists. Everyone has an unfamiliar familiar face they see every day, occasionally even multiple times, on campus. You don’t know this person’s name and have no clue what they’re like but you see them all the time. You know they have friends and family they love but don’t care enough seek out this information. I don’t really know the name of Missouri’s coach, most people don’t, but I’m sure a few do. I’ll see Missouri’s coach on TV a bunch this year, but I won’t care enough to bother looking up his name, much like I won’t go out of my way to find out the name of the unfamiliar familiar face I see on campus every day.

Kirby Smart (Georgia): Fraternity Pledge

Kirby Smart is the new hot shot head coach in the SEC. He’s part of an incredibly successful coaching tree and prefers wearing a wide brimmed visor. Kirby Smart is the quintessential hot shot fraternity pledge. You’ll catch the frat pledge on, typically, a Monday or Tuesday strutting around campus in his tie and blazer, beaten up boat shoes, and Southern Tide croaky. Kirby isn’t just the ordinary kind of pledge, Kirby is the pledge all the actives are in love with and have high hopes of him carrying on the fraternity’s proud traditions. However, they are extra hard on him because before he becomes the chapter president, he better be able to handle cleaning out of a few bathrooms. Similarly, Kirby Smart is looking to establish himself with the big boy coaches in the SEC, but he’s going to have to win a little before he can go to their house to do things other than to clean their dishes.

Butch Jones (Tennessee): The Fighter

Butch Jones has been known to rock a flat-top and dudes who have flat-top haircuts are typically one of two things: military men or rowdy fighters. Butch Jones isn’t in the military so that really narrows things down. There is always the guy at the party looking for a fight, not because he’s angry but because that’s who he is. Butch Jones is a fighter, it’s what he does, it’s what his flattop haircut tells me he does. He doesn’t always win, he’s probably lost more fights than he’s won but he’s not going to stop any time soon.