One Sentence Sales Pitch for all 14 SEC Football Teams

Did we pick up what the coaches are putting down? Each coach receives a pulpit to preach from at SEC Media Days. How are they selling their program and what does it mean? Let’s sift through the coach-speak to get at the heart of what each SEC football coach is selling to the country ahead of the 2022 season.

Clark Lea: “How can I say ‘we stunk’ in the most sophisticated fashion possible?”

The Vanderbilt head coach speaks his bosses’ language. He doesn’t talk like a Football Guy. He uses large words and phrases to lull you to sleep while technically still sharing the truth, just not in a palatable manner.

“A year ago I talked to you about the strain of resuscitating a program, aligning a group of people who had come to find themselves under new standards and expectations while not having made the choice to be a part of it.

“These standards and expectations had come to define their daily life, and by the time I was in front of you last summer, we had partly accomplished our goal of driving compliance within the new program model.

“Once we reached the season, we were forced to confront our reality, and our physical, mental, technical and tactical deficiencies were evident from the start. I want to be clear that the season was challenging on many levels, but we were not victimized by that adversity.”

Clark Lea

What a bunch of gobbledy-gook. At least the smart guy knows how to keep you on your toes. After lulling the crowd to sleep, he dropped this line: “We know in time Vanderbilt Football will be the best program in the country.”

Eli Drinkwitz: “Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”

The Missouri head coach preached continuity. Does continuity bring in 19 new transfers? How about a fourth defensive coordinator in four years? He can make all of the social media videos and buy all of the Jordans in the world, yet it can’t make a lie a truth. Eli Drinkwitz is full of it. In a similar situation to another former App. State coach, Scott Satterfield, his recruiting efforts might buy him enough time in CoMo. Drink has a much bigger problem than Scott: he ran off Mizzou’s proficient passer this offseason. It could be a long season in the Show Me State.

Mike Leach: “While you’re laughing at Netflix recommendations, I got a pretty good team.”

While Drink distracts you from the bad news, the Pirate is distracting you from putting lofty expectations on what will probably be his best team in Starkville. Will Rogers enters year three in the Air Raid as the Bulldogs’ confounding defense returns experience. If they can start winning a few of these close games, and the Egg Bowl, Miss. State might be the second-best team in the SEC West.

Lane Kiffin: “Please don’t expect me to take Ole Miss to the Sugar Bowl every season.”

This could be a rough year for Ole Miss. As high as everyone is on the Lane Train, it’s clear he needed to upgrade his personnel. He attacked the transfer portal hard, then spent his entire press conference pumping the brakes on expectations for the newcomers. The front end of the schedule is kind to Kiffin, but it’s clear he’s not confident in his squad.

Bryan Harsin: “This is what a dead-man walking looks like.”

Kevin Steele could collect another interim head coaching paycheck in this year’s Iron Bowl.

Shane Beamer: “It’s funny you asked, I am in fact very cool and absolutely nothing can go wrong.”

I’m not buying this dude’s schtick. If Spencer Rattler is the real deal, the Gamecocks could stir up a mess, but will they be as good as the SEC Network pundits predict? They’ll need about seven more Rattlers to join the roster before Labor Day weekend.

Sam Pittman: “I couldn’t do this alone.”

The Arkansas head coach is about as Arkansas as it gets. He’s exactly what Razorback fans want to see in their head football coach. It’s kind of similar to Ed Orgeron in Louisiana. Former line coaches are great recruiters and players’ coaches, but they need exceptional coordinators to be successful. It got Coach O a National Title and Sam Pittman an Outback Bowl win in year two. He thanked everybody from the administration down, particularly for helping him retain Kendall Briles and Barry Odom, the respective offensive and defensive coordinators.

Billy Napier: “I’m the new guy — please, please, please, PLEASE give me a little time to get used to this.”

Just over six months into his coaching stint he has to write an open letter to fans who were disgruntled with his early recruiting efforts. Napier took the stage and drank up the experience, playing the role of grateful newcomer. It played well, and he needed it to. It’s clear he needs to buy as much time as possible in his Gainesville rebuild.

Josh Heupel: “Thank you for not saying, ‘Feels like ’98.'”

Every other year the Vols are back, ready to take a bite out of everybody’s ass. This was the rare occasion where every pundit did not drink the orange Kool-Aid. Instead, South Carolina was the flavor of the month. That might be just what UT needs to thrive, well, and a defense that prevents every game from turning into a shootout. Hendon Hooker won a lot of high-scoring games for Tennessee in 2021. He can’t do it 12 times in 2022.

Kirby Smart: “We’re not a one-hit wonder.”

In case you couldn’t tell Mark Stoops and Kirby Smart were cut from the same cloth, they each shared the same message following the biggest of their head coaching careers. In 2019 Stoops said, “I didn’t take this job to have one successful season. We’re here to build a winning program long-term.” That paraphrased quote mirrors the message Smart shared following his National Title.

“We didn’t build this program on hoping for one-year-wonders or hoping for one opportunity,” Smart said. “We built the program to be sustained.”

Will it work? That’s up to Stetson Bennett and three All-SEC level tight ends.

Brian Kelly: “Trust me, I belong here — with my family.”

Nobody sticks out more at an SEC football event than a dude who spent a decade-plus winning more games at Notre Dame than Knute Rockne. No purple and gold tie or funny quips can change that. It’s going to take some time to get used to, just like it’s going to take Kelly time to bring Tiger Stadium back to life. He may not know how to make an etoufee, but he knows how to coach some football.

Nick Saban: “Y’all ain’t seen nothing yet.”

The Alabama head coach opened his remarks by complaining about the chores he’s assigned to do in the offseason. The SEC Football Coaching Robot is ready to unleash hell on the sport in 2022.

Jimbo Fisher: “NIL? Never heard of it.”

Typically Fisher prefers fight over flight. As the 2022 season draws closer, he is taking the latter road to try to diffuse the situation. Nevertheless, it’s unavoidable. After all, the reason why the Aggies are the SEC West’s second-choice is because of the way they have recruited under Jimbo.

Mark Stoops: “Watch out, we have a quarterback now.”

People really don’t know how to handle it. It’s been more than a decade since Mike Hartline was a proficient passer in a pro-style offense. Under Mark Stoops the Wildcats have become the high-floor team that will play good defense and run the ball. Now that they have a preseason All-SEC quarterback, what does it mean? No one knows how to handle it, but Stoops is sure happy to be in this new world, so happy that he’s willing to go out of his comfort zone to share his NIL grievances. This isn’t your Mom and Pop’s Kentucky football.