SEC Network, not so goo-ood

John Dubyaover 8 years


Aritcle written by:John DubyaJohn Dubya


Hi folks, Al Purnell here, and I’m out here today in the middle of an open field to talk about---you guessed it---Purnell’s Old Folks Country Sausage.

Now as ya’ll darn well know, Purnell Farms ain’t just makin' the south’s premier breakfast sausage (and a whole sundry of other fine pork products, available at your nearest grocer), we’re also flagship sponsors of the Southeastern Conference and our UahK Wildcats.

Must admit, when we first hearda this deal here with the new SEC Network we were tickled pinker’n a piggy’s titty. Takin' the SEC worldwide, 24/7, big time stuff. The Purnell Old Folks Country Sausage SEC Network Game of the Week has a mighty fine ring to it, don't it? Just rolls right on off the tongue. But we know the cost of livin' goin' right on up too and hog husbandry ain't gettin' no cheaper. We hope we can still market our Old Folks Country Sausage before, durin' and after the ballgames, but we ain't born yesterdy...y'know, we use the whole hog in our old folks country sausage and its what makes it so doggone gooo-oooood. All you do is put it up in the freezer then just have mama plop it down on a hot skillet...mmm, mm, mm, mm, mmm.

Like I was sayin', the Purnell Family is livin' pretty high on the hog these days but I’m afraid we ain’t got the scratch to play ball with these billionaires. Now that we got that ESPN behind the wheel takin' our SEC 'round the world that ad-space gon' fetch a pretty penny. They just gonna throw the keys to Big Sausage and let 'em have the run of the place. Ruins the whole dern game. Hogworsh. You know that Jimmy tapdancin' Dean puts his breakfast sausage on a cro-sant? Who in the sam hell eat their breakfast sausage on a cro-sant? Jimmy Dean, that's who, and he can kiss my Kentucky Proud pork butt.

Y'see, ya just ain't gonna get this taste anywhere else. Not from Jimmy Dean, or Bob Evan, Johnsonville...and Ballards? Folks, do ya really trust anything come outta West Virginny? Maybe we’ll do one of them jump-starter thingamawhats and hope someone up on the internets likes Old Folks Sausage enough to pony up some good coin, keep us in play. Til then, we'll keep on makin' the finest sausage this side of the Mississip, and I'd stake the farm there ain't none better on the other side neither. Ain't no pig like a Purnell Old Folks Country pig cause an Old Folks Country pig don't stop, as the sayin' go 'round here.

Now I know I speak for my friends at Goldenflake, Texas Pete, Dale's Seasonin' and Boone's Butchers when I say next season when yer watchin' yer games 'round the clock on the big ol' network, remember to support the little fellers every now and again. And remember, friends don't let friends eat sausage on a cotton-pickin' cro-sant.

Until next time folks, this is Al Purnell sayin' "goo-oood night."


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