Self-Medicating: The WebMD Diagnosis for University of Kentucky Football

Chris Tomlinalmost 9 years

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Aritcle written by:Chris TomlinChris Tomlin
  Overview University of Kentucky Football is an ailment regional to its namesake Kentucky and can consist of long periods of forlorn abandonment punctuated by manic episodes of uncontrollable rage. This condition can be debilitating in its heightened moments but may present as a dull ache during cooler months of the year. ------- Are You at Risk? Those who live in the central area of Kentucky you are especially prone to suffer from University of Kentucky Football, but University of Kentucky football is capable of spreading to any of the state’s borders and occasionally to other regions and states. An attention to family history is also important as you may have inherited signs of Kentucky Football from generations before you. Those at an increased risk include students or alumni of the University of Kentucky, as a vast number of recorded cases over the last ten years have originated on the school’s campus. -------- Symptoms -Periods of losing attention to the score -Periods of anger when attention is called to the score -Sharp pains for up to sixty minutes once a week -Increased bourbon consumption -“Sad face” -“Sad Bowl” -Punt fatigue -Lack of blockages -Moments of passing followed by moments of sadness -Invasive red zones -Route confusion -Uncontrollable sighing -Lack of Gatorade immersion --------- Treatment and Care There is currently no known cure for University of Kentucky Football, though drastic and experimental measures have in the past yielded periods of temporary relief. In some cases extreme pain can lead, over a long period, to moments of elation (“The Brooksian Effect”), but not always. Certain treatments have been known to curb pain associated with University of Kentucky Football, including: -Alcohol -Keeneland -Avoidance of newspapers, websites and the last ten minutes of televised news -Shutting eyes -Pretending the team you’re watching is Louisville’s team --------- Quality of Life Studies have proven it is possible to live with University of Kentucky Football for at least two games per season, but symptoms will inevitably return. Generally the pain subsides in late October to mid-November with increased time spent indoors and around banners. -------- Getting Help Support groups are often available conveniently around the state, meeting weekly at taverns and restaurants, and dealing with University of Kentucky football alone is never advised. Should you or a loved one feel you are currently suffering from University of Kentucky Football, please see an athletic director immediately. ------- References Goldwater, JA (2011). “I Can’t Watch This Anymore.” Steve’s House, October, 8:53 PM Handleman, GD (2010). “At Least We Have Basketball.” Buffalo Wild Wings, November, 4:12 PM Goldwater, JA (2011). “Seriously, This Is Ridiculous.” Steve’s House, October, 9:20 PM Borellson, DE (2012). “Yes, I WILL Go To That Wedding with You. What Else Am I Going to Do, Watch This?” Residence, September, 1:30 PM  

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2021-09-22