Soundbites from the FUTURE!

Chris Tomlinalmost 9 years


Aritcle written by:Chris TomlinChris Tomlin
Hello, friends. I hope you’re well. I was wondering, since the next Presidential debate isn’t until Monday, if you wouldn’t mind sharing your political opinions with me. No, I mean all of them. I’ll listen patiently, because I love hearing other people talk about politics. It’s just the best. Perhaps you can change my mind on things, and I’d encourage you not to stop talking about your favorite issues until you have changed my mind. Thanks. Friends, it’s a wonderful era here in the Big Blue Nation. We’re hyped on ESPN, Big Blue Madness went off stunningly, recruits are falling into place for 2013 in a big way; everything’s coming up roses. But you know what I like the best about this time of year? All the sound bites. They seem to come from everywhere: Twitter, the radio, the television, the newspapers, media days. At this time of year, everyone is quoting it up. This made me wonder, this week, what sound bites we might anticipate in the coming days, months and years — and I ran a program through KSR’s elaborate supercomputer HUBY to generate what we might be able to expect. We can even call this piece Soundbites from the Future. I must warn you, of course, that knowing the following information can be dangerous and may have a tremendous effect on how you live your own lives, so I’d encourage you to stop now lest you learn knowledge that may impact your own futures. The future is not to be trifled with. That said, please enjoy. And have a great weekend, everyone. ------- October 30, 2012UK Recruit Julius Randle: “I am pleased to announce today that I will be attending school and playing basketball at the University of Kentucky, and look forward to joining my new teammates under Coach Calipari.” ------- January 29, “Undefeated and rolling forward, it certainly looks as if John Calipari may have captured lightning in a bottle again as he heads toward what could be another national championship.” ------ February 16, 2013Bill Raftery, CBS: “Clark, I never thought I’d see something like this, but the Kentucky Wildcats just beat the Tennessee Volunteers ninety-seven to two. This team has to be excited about that.” ------ March 7, 2013Bobby Knight, ESPN: “This is ridiculous. Whatever. Why don’t you shut your stupid mouth for one second, Musburger? This team is…look, you want me to say it, I’ll say it. Kentucky wins. They beat Georgia. Big whoop. I’m out of here. You guys have my direct deposit information.” ----- April 8, 2013USA Today: “In a hard-fought game, the Kentucky Wildcats defended their crown tonight defeating the Ohio State Buckeyes to win a second NCAA Championship in sequential years.” ----- August 4, 2015 -- Official statement from Maker's Mark Distilleries: "If anyone is interested, we still have plenty of Billy Gillispie limited-edition bottles still for purchase. Seriously. A LOT." ----- April 9, 2017USA Today: “The Kentucky Wildcats claimed their sixth consecutive NCAA Championship last night at Chevrolet Underwater-Dome Stadium, edging out University of Phoenix Online 76-70.” ----- June 2, 2017 John Calipari: “It’s wonderful and an honor to be back here at the White House again, President Bruce Jenner.” ----- December 12, 2019 John Calipari: “Though Duke and UK have had their differences in the past, no one ever, ever wished for Mike Krzyewski to be eaten by a lion. It is unfortunate.” ----- March 18, 2021John Calipari: “Look, what can you say? You know, both teams go out there and put your best players on the line and see what happens. We came up short tonight, and I have to give Hologram Roy Williams some credit. Their laser-eyes were hitting the mark, and ours just weren’t.” ----- October 16, 2022UK President Alan Cutler: “I’m saddened to announce today that after fifteen years at the University of Kentucky, Coach Joker Phillips will retire after this season.” ---- July 12, 2026John Calipari: “I will always love the Big Blue Nation and hold it in my heart, but I have decided to pursue a coaching position at Bio-Space Station Glaxxon 9. Hey, I told you I wasn’t a lifer.”

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