Still Crankin?

It was another blissful autumn Saturday in Athens, GA. 93,000 fans on either side of the hedges, thunderous in their defense of the Bulldogs in a war of sturdy Southeastern pillars. The Auburn Tigers were the victim on this particular day last fall, and perhaps nothing could have prepared them for the destructive weaponry the Bulldogs were set to employ on their hapless guests. After a typical slobber-knocking slugfest for the first three quarters, UGA led 31-20, but Auburn threatened. Then, just as the 4th quarter was about to begin, a tidal wave of irrepressible crunk permeated Sanford Stadium, leaving in its wake a panorama of chaos and carnage, and a resounding 45-20 thumping of the Tigers: As we begin to look ahead to the limitless indefinites of the upcoming college football season, one’s mind can’t help but drift and wonder, “Will we get another Soulja Boy this year?” It was around this time a year ago when we (and I say “we” in reference to the standard Caucasian, 18-30 demo.) were first instructed to “Crank Dat,” and accompany said cranking with a cutesy montage of hops, skips, and jumps. Aside from eliciting bizarre behavior from Dicky Lyons, I for one didn’t think much about the jam at the time, figuring it would make its way around the ringtone circuit and 4th Street Live, before retiring to a Jock Jams CD never to be heard from again. But the Soulja Boy was mighty, and its contagious beat swept through the college football pantheon like a spread option attack. So today I feel compelled to pay homage to a song so compelling, it was adopted by John Edwards for his presidential campaign; a song so potent in popularity that it even made the rotation at Commonwealth Stadium. From the driveways of suburbia, to the clubs of metropolis, and even a nursing home or two, Crank Dat transcended the sidelines and transplanted itself into the daily American lexicon. The song became a regular at grade school talent shows from coast to coast, as clueless school administrators bobbed their heads in an uncomfortable, un-rhythmic, and un-cool pattern. It wasn’t until the oblivious principal received a no doubt awkward visit from the fresh-out-of-grad school teacher informing them that “super-soak that ho” does not necessarily occur after trips to Toys R Us and Lowe’s, respectively. And that’s the beauty of it. Or is it? Dr. Rasheev Rangarajan, an orthopaedic surgeon at the University of Miami Hospital, estimates the hospital treated over 200 patients with complications stemming from the Soulja Boy phenomenon last year alone. “Beginning last fall we saw a staggering increase in supermanned ho’s.” Dr. Rangarajan said. “Although the vast majority of these cases were not life threatening, it remains important to spread a message of caution. People just need to differentiate the lyrics from reality.” Surely, this is not the first time a pop-culture fad has caused a rash of injury, right Doc? “I was completing my residency when ‘The Hustle’ was all the rage,” Dr. Rangarajan admits, “and other than a few coronaries, we saw virtually zero complications stemming directly from the song.” Dr. Rangarajan was kind enough to offer a few symptoms commonly associated with “Crank Dat” to help others avoid the dangerous consequences: Common symptoms for Clarkentis Holomosis (Supermanned Ho): Dermocapesis, aka “sticky back” Charley Horse Utter humiliation Although Dr. Rangarajan is concerned about the ill-effects of Soulja Boy, let’s not forget the millions who have boldly tried their hand at the song and escaped no worse for the wear: For better or for worse, nobody can deny Soulja Boy of its power to unite people from a wide range of ages and backgrounds. And just ask the Georgia football team about its capability to inspire. In the pantheon of stadium staples, how often do you see an entire stadium, blue hairs and Republicans included, completely part from their inhibitions and immerse themselves in the moment? That’s what separates Crank Dat from the Mambo #5’s, the Macarena’s, the Who Let the Dog’s Out’s, and the We’re From Kentucky and We Like it that Way’s. This season is probably going to kick-off as scheduled even if a new Soulja Boy does not emerge from the pack. Glancing over the Hot 100, the list of possible candidates has me a little pessimistic…and very confused. So I will continue to pine for my Soulja Boy, superman a ho or two, and hope for just one more year.