Team of Rivals

by:John Dubya10/24/13

rustypitchfork You want it? Come and get it.

Each year in late October, college football is set ablaze by a war that’s waged on the Southeastern front as the nation turns its lonely eyes to Lexington, or Starkville, woo, woo, woo.

Fueled by vitriol and venom, the annual showdown between Kentucky and Mississippi State never wants for sex appeal, fireworks and carnage. These titans are not simply playing for a win, but often fundamental ideals like Liberty, Independence, and Music City. Just like the bald eagle, this rivalry is protected. This rivalry is deadlocked, 20 wins apiece. This rivalry...this rivalry...ohhhhh, this rivalry… What is this rivalry? This thing doesn't even have name, or a trophy, or a Hate Week. Do we even hate? Do we even know a Miss State fan? Maybe we should get out more often. Rural Mississippi has charm, and plenty of aquaculture for the whole fam. If we’re going to keep doing this dance every single year then it’s high time this rivalry became A RIVALRY, by gum. Let's brand this bad boy, shall we? Starting with a name. The SEC is full of em: Iron Bowl, Egg Bowl, Magnolia Bowl, Third Saturday in October, The World’s Largest Cocktail Party, Deep South’s Oldest Rivalry… But this? We’re really just going to keep belittling this rivalry by calling it by its birth name? Just a few ideas, trademarked of course, to get the convo started:

Battle of the Barns. Horses (us) and cows (them). E-I-E-I-O. Along these lines, could also consider: Steers vs. Steeds or the Shit Bowl (of the bull and horse varieties, respectively).

The Dog and Pony Show. 

The Truth About Cats and Dogs. Shamelessly borrowed from one of the great cinematic achievements of the 1990's.

The Battle of Who Could Care Less. Let’s face it, outside of the respective fanbases, this game hardly moves the needle. But even a self-defeating name is still a name, and thus, an improvement. A marketable improvement. Now that we have the ball rollin, what on earth will they play for? A great brand needs some sort of tangible icon attached to it. Playing for pride is nothing more than Depression-Era propaganda and a win is great but doesn't show well in a trophy case. But you know what does? A RUSTY PITCHFORK, that's what. Now that it's all coming together I feel like this rivalry is bound for a breakthrough. I feel proud. I feel hate. I feel a sudden urge to cow tip. This is mutually beneficial and it needed to happen. One day, maybe 20, 30 years from now, bellied up at the ol' waterin hole swappin' stories, you'll say, "You all remember the Dog and Pony Show of 2015? Man, we really got after em that day. Was about time we brought the rusty pitchfork back to our house." That's what this great rivalry is all about. That's livin, man.  

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