The Annual Letter To The Vols

***This letter is now 4-0. I’m not leaving anything to chance.

Dear Tennessee Volunteer fan,

Take a seat, little buddy. Let’s have a talk. You see, you’re getting to the age where you think you know everything and you’re having a real problem listening to your superiors. I think if we just sit down and have a chat – and I promise I won’t yell – then we can make it through the weekend without you making yourself look stupid on a Kentucky message board or out in public. Let’s just establish a few things.

First of all, I understand how you kids get when you get ranked and have a little bit of success. I was a newbie to success once, even though it probably seems like a million years ago to you – I mean with all of the NCAA Championships, SEC Championships, All-Americans, etc. that I have. But, that’s not what matters right now. Just know that I understand that you are excited that you were ranked #1 for a few days three years ago and that you’re somehow made a run into the top-10 at one point again this year. You should be excited…because it probably won’t happen again for a really long time. You see, that’s what happens with gimmicks. Just ask UNLV. Or Michigan. Or even your SEC brother, Arkansas. Programs stick around and gimmicks eventually fade away.

Now, as far as this whole “rivalry” thing goes, don’t go making yourself look foolish by trying to act as if we are peers. I have a major problem considering a program who has won less than 33% of its games against me a as an equal – even if you did finally break through that Sweet 16 wall last year. Your arrogant behavior still isn’t becoming of your status. You should be treating me with more respect, but you don’t seem to quite understand.

It’s kind of like in elementary school when the teacher tells you, “if you start stacking pennies right now, you wouldn’t reach the moon until you were 173 years old!” and your little third grade mind is so overwhelmed by the enormity, that you actually think it’s possible. Well, it seems like that’s the problem we’re having with you these days. My successes are so great, that you’re little Vol brain can’t understand it. I mean, think about it.

You’ve won 8 SEC Championships and I’ve won 44. If you started winning them every year, Brian Williams would be watching your Kentucky-tying title while stuffing his face off with the French Toast Slam off the Denny’s senior discount menu. If I started losing every single game right now and Tennessee went undefeated from here until eternity, the Vols wouldn’t catch up to the my all-time wins until Stephen Pearl’s son’s son was leading the SEC in Public Displays of Friction. In the time it would take UT to up their 4 SEC tournament titles to match my 26, the headband could go out and back in to style at least three times. I mean, seriously, you are enjoying the best success of your whole life and I’m still sipping Gatorade and popping aspirin from that two-year booze bender, but yet your superstar coach still can’t get to .500 against me? That has to hurt, right? That’s the type of sadness you have to tattoo on your face.

And one more thing before we wrap this up. Let’s get real about this whole Chris Lofton thing. I’m happy for the kid, I really am. But if you give me a chance to take Rajon Rondo over him again, then I’d do it 100 times out of 100. And if you still think you’re the smartest kid in the class for snatching up Mr. Lofton, then go ahead and celebrate. High fives all around. In fact, give me a fist pound because I don’t think I ever properly celebrated Tony Delk and Ron Mercer and the championship success that they delivered to Lexington. C’mon man, blow me up. Seriously.

Look, it will be just fine tonight if you learn to stay within your boundaries. All you have to do is just act like the also-ran that you’re destined to always be and you won’t have to worry about anyone making fun of your court being named after a woman or telling your probation officer about that baggie under the seat.

God bless and I’ll see you shortly, you rotten SOBs.

Sincerely,

The Kentucky Basketball Program