THE BACHELOR SEASON 23 RECAP: WEEK 5

by:Noah Day•02/06/19

What up Bachelor Nation!! It’s ya number one Bachelor Boi Noah. I’m a little late to the game for the Bachelor recaps, since we’re already on week 5, but it’s okay, you can deal. Just to sum up the season so far though, Colton’s a virgin and everyone has run out of jokes about it. This week, Hannah B. continues to crush it, Heather gets her first kiss, Elyse just straight up leaves, and Onyeka dishes the gozz on Nicole and it blows up in her face… and we get hit with a TO BE CONTINUED!! Major props to Heather for getting her first kiss, but like seriously though… BIGGER props to her boyfriend of 8 months who wasn’t able to solve that puzzle box before Colton got a shot at it. Hannah B. continues to crush it. She got another pre-ceremony rose, and they just keep coming for Miss Alabama, so basically she’s got a half dead rose sitting in a solo cup by the time the other girls are lining up crossing their fingers to get one of their own.

Since Hannah B. and Caelynn squashed their beefs last week, the house was feeling eerily quiet, but you knew that more of them girls were about to break out the good china and proceed to spill the tea (tea=drama) soon enough, and I’ll get to that. First though, Elyse just got up and left this week. It was weird. The first date card of the night bore her no fruit, and she didn’t seem to take it well. I figured when we cut to a scene of all the girls sitting around in the casual attire while Elyse was wearing her statement dress that something was about to go down, and she told Colton she had to go home because she couldn’t fall in love while sharing him with the other girls. That’s kinda on her to me though, cuz it’s the Bachelor DUUUHHHHHHHH….

One major stand out from Monday’s episode was definitely Cassie. She ended up getting the second mono e mono this week, and her and Colton seemed to be pretty damn googly-eyed about each other. We’re just now starting to get to the period of the show where I can consistently remember all but approximately two of the girls names at a time, and to be honest, Cassie just kinda disappeared on me for a bit, but apparently the other girls have been taking notice. They all got very wary about her one on one and from the way they talked, it seems like Colton and Cassie have had a lot more off-screen connection that have put the other girls on high alert. Their romantic desert island excursion was pretty cool, but I hope they tipped their boat guy well, because he had to spend the afternoon watching them make out from about 300 yards off shore waiting on them to be ready to go. Something tells me he’s used to that kind of thing in his line of work though. And finally, Onyeka and Nicole were servin’ up that sizzlin’ hot tea after Onyeka went to Colton with a tattler's tale from dearly departed Elyse about Nicole only being on the show so she could get out of Miami, which turned out to be wrong and kinda blew up in her face.

Long story short, they get into a huge fight. Onyeka seemed incapable of acknowledging she might have started the whole thing and Nicole literally can’t produce tears fast enough to keep up with her strict 18 daily cry sessions, so it wasn’t very constructive is a nice way of putting it. Then Colton comes and breaks the two of them up and proceeds to storm off after getting an earful of nonsense. It’s about this time that they realize they probably shouldn’t bother unpacking when they get back home, but we’ll see because of the abrupt to be continued...