The Surprising Adventures of Baron Pearlausen

The Great Baron Pearlausen fought bravely during the basketball wars for the Republic of Volunteers. During his time in command and after his retirement, he acquired a reputation for his witty and exaggerated tales. The following is a transcript from his retelling of the Volunteer’s game against the Kentucky Wildcats on March 6th, 2011.

T’was the eve of our second battle with the Cats of the North. They are a vile species, rotten and wrought. No crooked method was too crooked for victory. I snuck into that horse-town of Lexington for some reconnaissance. With a dash of clever I dressed up like a co-ed; I wore two halves of a coconut to enhance my already-protruding CATS shirt and a blonde wig.

I stumbled into a meeting where official UK female hostesses were instructed to flirt with and lead on recruits. My son Steven — auspiciously pretending to be a shy accounting sophomore named Tawney — took photos while I let Shabazz Drummond grind me on the dance floor of Gambino’s. We then broke into a car lot and was surprised to find that all Lexington car engines are exactly 1HP — actually, to be precise, one miniature horse and a bottle of Maker’s Mark.

I rode the horse to Knoxville; Steven rode the bottle. He’s always worked hard to go where he wants to go.

We had just two days to prepare for the Wildcat invasion. Brian Williams was still recovering from a broken heart caused by the White Stripes breaking up. Renaldo The SwiperBard was consumed by his desire to produce the finest inspiring rhyme he could make for the game, and set off to film it. Tyler Summitt wore a fake flat-top haircut and kept talking about “play“. I respected his mother enough to know not to insult him.

My team was lacking the heart to prepare or execute a victory. I rallied the team together for a speech: “Men”, I started, “the truth is that we can’t score. But I am also a believer in changing the truth. The truth is what you make of it and what you can delete from Facebook. You must FIND the truth within yourselves and CHANGE IT!”

The team was finally ready when Coach Mal and his burly band arrived. Much to my surprise, JP Prince played spectacular offense, freeing up Tobias Harris and Scotty Hopson. Terrence Jones got so frustrated that he recommitted to Washington; Doron Lamb was smothered by our KC Masterpiece defensive schemes. I was told it was delicious.

I changed into Steven’s jersey and played 6 minutes of the 2nd half. On the break, I jumped over Jamal Mashburn for a dunk that was later voted Dunk of the Year in a contest sponsored by Domino’s Pizza.

We won that game 157-37. It ushered in an era of complete dominance by my Volunteers: We won 118 games-in-a-row, including 3 National Championships, one Universal Championship — I always hated Martians — and the 2014 World Cup. Steven and I won a Nobel prize for creating combustion engines from packs of miniature horses.

There was only one man who could stop this glorious time of peace and prosperity: Pete Thamel. But that is a story for another time.

 

The Fake Gimel Martinez has a Facebook Page? Verily.