They Are Who We Thought They Were: Missouri Tigers

Drew Franklinalmost 9 years


Aritcle written by:Drew FranklinDrew Franklin


I was digging through the KSR storage unit this morning, looking for an old  Glad® container Coach Cal left at one of our toga parties, and way back in the corner, next to BTI's pog collection, I found a piece of equipment from KSR's past. Yup, I found the "They Are Who We Thought They Were" machine.  As soon as I saw it tucked in between Will Lentz's saxophone and Fake Gimel's Han Solo blowup doll, I knew I had to drag it out and see if it'd run. So, I blew off the dust, jiggled the cables, and, just like Grandpa's old T-Bird, she fired right up. Welcome to the SEC, Missouri. The columns were all that was left of the old Academic Hall after it burned down in 1892. The University of Missouri Established in 1839 as the first public institution of higher education west of the Mississippi River, the University of Missouri is the only thing in mid-Missouri. That's it. You're looking at it. Nothing else has even bothered trying to call Missouri home. Look at St. Louis. It's hugging the Illinois border, begging to get away from the rest of the state. Kansas City, too. It's Missouri's largest city but wanted no part in taking its name. Which brings us to... Location The University of Missouri is located in Columbia, Missouri, the fifth-largest city in the Show-Me State. CoMo, as it's known by its 175,831 locals, has been described as a "69,709 square mile trailer park with representation in Congress" and a " government land reservation for the mentally defective and socially inept." Some people could argue that it is actually a nice place to live, but no one will ever hear them because they're in Columbia, Missouri. Notable Alumni Sheryl Crow - Before she put Kid Rock's picture away and stuck needles in Lance Armstrong's ass, nine-time Grammy award-winner Sheryl Crow was just a girl with a backpack and questionable morals on Missouri's campus. Crow was a member of the Kappa Alpha Theta sorority, as well as a "Summer Welcome" orientation leader. Pat Forde - Pat Forde, the journalist we all love to never read, graduated from the University of Missouri in 1987. He would go on to have a very successful career in trying to fit Rick Pitino's entire package in his mouth without choking. I've heard he went entire days without taking a breath of air while writing Rick Pitino's book, Rebound Rules: The Art of Success 2.0. The book is often confused with Karen Sypher's new book, Guilty Until Proven Innocent, which is also about sleeping with Pitino. Brad Pitt - The only man I'd ever consider crossing streams with dropped out of Missouri right as his graduation day was approaching. The young Brad Pitt said he wasn't ready to settle down, so he packed up his bag of small African children and moved out to California to become a star. He's still one credit shy of earning a diploma. Mary Jo Perino - MJP worked for the Missouri football team throughout college and now she's the LEX 18 sports anchor, a True Blue Fan, and KSR sweetheart. David C. Novak - David C. Novak and I have a love/hate relationship. I take that back. We don't have a relationship. He has no idea who I am. But, if we were to become friends, it would be an emotional roller coaster ride for me. I want to love the guy because he's the head of the company that gave America great things like the Doritos Locos Taco, the Doritos Locos Taco Supreme, and the Cheesy GorDoritos Crunch*, but he also gave the University of Louisville one of the nicest venues in America to play basketball in. He won us all over and then stabbed us in the back with one of his plastic sporks. (*Order the Cheesy Gordita Crunch but ask for a Doritos taco shell inside. You're welcome.) Cheerleader Scouting Report You're looking at the reason why we canceled our trip to Columbia. Mascot: The Tiger The Tiger mascot traces its origin to the Civil War period. As legend has it, plundering guerilla bands habitually raided small towns, and Columbia people constantly feared an attack. Such organizations as temporary "home guards" and vigilance companies banded together to fight off any possible forays. The town's preparedness discouraged any guerilla activity and the protecting organization began to disband in 1854. However, it was rumored that a guerilla band, led by the notorious Bill Anderson (obviously a fake name), intended to sack the town. An armed guard of Columbia citizens built a blockhouse and fortified the old courthouse in the center of town. This company was called "The Missouri Tigers." Today, the people of Columbia constantly fear attack from opposing schools in the SEC. As they should. Mascot Note: 44 other NCAA schools call themselves the Tigers without making up some war story about Bill Anderson. Nickname: MIZZOU Because that's short for Missouri, apparently. Traditions Homecoming - The University of Missouri claims to have invented homecoming, although no one believes them. Big MO - Big MO may sound like the name of a guy you don't want to bunk with in prison, but it's actually Missouri football's drum. The 6-foot, 150-pound bass drum is used to lead fans in the traditional MIZ-ZOU cheer. This will be the last season for the current Big MO, it'll be replaced next year with an 800-pound drum. Underachieving - Missouri athletics has been doing it since day one. Players To Watch #13  Corbin Berkstresser, QB (53-113, 627 yds, 3 TDs, 3 INTs) With James Franklin listed as doubtful for the game, redshirt freshman Corbin Backscratcher is expected to make his third career start for the Tigers against Kentucky. Did we ever get confirmation on that FAIL tattoo? #4  Kendial Lawrence, RB (95 carries, 524 yds, 5 TDs) He gets it.   #97  Trey Barrow, P (40 punts, 42.7 avg, 69 long) Barrow was named second team All-Big 12 last season but he's no match for Landon "I Can Kick It Farther" Foster. Prediction It was the week of Taylor Wyndham's beard, so I'm predicting a Taylor Wyndham interception against the inexperienced Corbin Birdwasher. Kentucky's D will hold the Tigers to 20 points and the Cats will leave Columbia with a 26-20 win on Homecoming night. Kentucky 26, Missouri 20

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