They Are Who We Thought They Were: Tennessee Vols (Part I)

Drew Franklinalmost 12 years


Aritcle written by:Drew FranklinDrew Franklin


This week's edition of TAWWTTW will be split into two parts. I hope you don't mind, but our server can't hold all of the hate I have for Tennessee in one post. So let's get right to it. Here they are, the University of Tennessee Volunteers. They are who we thought they were... Location: Knoxville, Tennessee An actual ad for Knoxville tourism:
“Here in Knoxville, Tennessee, we are proudly known as the birthplace of southern stereotypes! We are the third largest city in the state, located in Knox County in Eastern Tennessee. In Knoxville, our streets are paved with diversity: from the homeless to the inbred, from abandoned warehouses to Section 8 housing, from Mom and Pop shops to Pop’s Liquor and Cash Advance, and all things in between. We boast a beautiful skyline featuring the Sunsphere, a tower looking thingy with a giant gold glass ball on top and no significance. Come visit the city and partake in our relaxed laws on crime, city ordinance, and personal hygiene. Kick off your shoes (everyone else has) and take a dive in the cesspool known as Knoxville! Who knows, you might just run into an old relative you haven’t slept with in a while! See you soon!"
Notable Alumni -- Peyton Manning - He's pretty good. If you like 6'5, 235 lb. quarterbacks, laser-rocket arm. It's so hard not to like this guy. Especially after his charitable work with the United Way. -- Chris Moneymaker - UT grad and winner of the 2003 World Series of Poker. His WSOP victory is credited as one of the main catalyst of the poker boom and is known as the "Moneymaker Effect". I still don't know why he changed his last name to the hip-hop slang term for a female's gluteus maximus. I guess he's a big Ludacris fan. -- Donté Stallworth - Stallworth was an All-SEC wide receiver at Tennessee and was picked 13th overall by the Saints in the 2002 NFL Draft. He also killed a guy. Killed, like ended someone's life. Someone, like, another human being that had just left work and was trying to get home, and died because Stallworth couldn't call a cab driver. A cab driver, like, one who gives rides for roughly 35 bucks. 35 bucks, like, .000001% of Stallworth's 35 million dollar contract with the Cleveland Browns. Stallworth claims that he honked and flashed his lights at the man crossing the street before he hit him. I guess tapping the brakes and slowing down was too much trouble. I guess more than 24 days in jail would've been too much punishment, too. -- Carl B. Huffaker - American biologist and plant scientist. Huffaker's research focused on population regulating mechanisms in various living systems... -- Travis Henry - Like Mr. Huffaker (above), Travis Henry also specializes in plants and the population. The former Vols runningback has successfully planted his seed in 10 different women to accumulate 11 kids and $170,000 in annual child support. Henry is no longer in the NFL after failing a drug test, just five months after appealing another failed drug test. So, how does the Shawn Kemp of football make his payments? Well, his idea of a business plan included a multi-kilogram cocaine traffiking operation in which the DEA described him as the "ruthless money guy." -- Woodrow Wilson "Woody" Paige - Woody Paige is a sports columnist for the Denver Post and a regular panelist on ESPN's Around the Horn. Paige is well known for writing goofy one-liners on a blackboard that sits behind him during ATH and for sexually harassing ESPN employees. -- Kevin Nash - Former center for the Tennessee basketball Vols. In typical Tennessee basketball alum fashion, Nash worked on an assembly line at Ford Motor Company after a failed attempt at professional basketball. One year later, the orange-mohawked "Steel" of the tag-team "Master Blasters" debuted in the WCW. Cheerleader Scouting Report Two of Tennessee's most famous cheerleaders: One is built like a burly old man with a hairy chest, that creepily hits on women, drinks heavily, and should never be photographed topless. The other is Bruce Pearl. The Volunteers The Volunteers, or Vols as it is commonly shortened to (Volunteer is a difficult word to spell at UT), derive their name from the community service work done by Tennessee athletes. You can go in any of the 673 Knoxville Goodwill stores and find at least one UT player "voluntarily" working. "Smokey" Smokey IX is the live mascot for the Volunteers. (Because, when I hear Volunteers I automatically think bluetick coonhound.) If PETA wasn't already all over my ass about Uga, I would invite Smokey over for an ice cold antifreeze cocktail before the game. "Rocky Top" The most hated song in all of sports. The Vols adopted the song in the 1970s, and contrary to popular belief, it is not the official UT fight song. The original "Rocky Top" is a country and bluegrass song recorded by the Osbourne brothers in 1967. The song reminisces about a love affair a man once had on Rocky Top with a woman "wild as a mink." The song's second verse recalls a story about two strangers climbing Rocky Top looking for moonshine but never returning. Hmmmm may I suggest a song with some relevance to the program? Maybe George Thorogood's "You Talk Too Much" or Jimmy Buffett's "The Great Filling Station Holdup". Neyland Stadium Sports Illustrated named Neyland Stadium the best place to watch college football. I named it the best place to commit suicide in. Last year, I finally got to see the redneck temple firsthand. It was a Hell on Earth. Go Cats. Come back in two hours for Part 2, where I actually talk football. See you then... prius

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