This Renaissance Baby's Friars Club Roast's Thursday Night News and Views

by:CMTomlin•05/14/15

Hey, will you look at this baby! I mean, just look at it. Why, I wouldn't nurse this baby with Isabella of Argon's teat! I bet when this baby was born the doctor put himself on the rack! Instead of traditional amulets and birth trays I bet this baby got a paper bag and a muzzle! Hey, the father wanted to give it back to the doctor but his efforts were feudal. I'm not saying this baby's as ugly as snot, but it does look a little Flemish, if you get my drift. I'm not saying this baby's ugly but Hieronymus Bosch called and said "I pass." I'm not saying this baby's nose is crooked but Martin Luther just tried to nail ninety-five theses to it. I'm not saying it's an ugly baby but Francis Bacon's official scientific inquiry into it was "what kind of monkey is that?" I'm not saying this baby's got a big head but Johannes Kepler's using it to study the laws of planetary motion! Vasco da Gama just tried to harpoon it! I mean, look at those eyes; I haven't seen two things that crossed since the general tenets of neoplatonism! Am I right? Listen, Donatello his mother I said that, okay? I kid, I kid. Tip your waiter. ----------------- But you're not here for nonsense. So now, on with the news:

CWS has a new design.

This is either a sneak peek at the new field at Commonwealth or the most boring birthday cake ever. Hope you guys like checkerboards. I don't know about you guys, but I'm really glad they opted to keep the numbers on the field which denote yardage, so I can tell where we are on the field during a game and calculate, in my head, how many yards we need to advance the football so we can score a touchdown. I attended a lot of focus groups with a lot of different fake moustaches and hats to make sure this feedback was heard and I'm pleased that UK Athletics took it into consideration.

The Twins bought their mother a new BMW.

This was an incredibly thoughtful gift, but I'm not sure why their tactic of surprising her with it was to drive it into her. They could have used one of those big red bows like on the Lexus commercials. Hope you get well soon, Mrs. The-Twins, so you can enjoy it!

NBA Combine News: Andrew Harrison scored seventeen points with five assists in his five-on-five game in Chicago, which should gain him some scouting traction.

Harvester Combine News: 2015 promises to be a banner year for these tractors as current models now offer more grain tank space, power ramp-up and fuel capacity. Also, 30-inch tracks and an upgraded ladder suspension should really excite everyone in the coming months.

The new non-conference schedule's out!

And it features Albany (Albany!), New Jersey Institute of Technology (NJIT!) and Wright State (Airplanes!), along with Louisville, Kansas, UCLA, Duke, Illinois State, Eastern, Ohio State and Arizona State. Plus get ready for some hot John Calipari and Orlando Antigua action when we head to South Florida. I'm sorry, I did not mean for that to sound that way.

Bud Dupree signed with the Steelers

Our beloved football Cat went from "it's complicated" to "in a relationship" when he signed a four-year deal with the Pittsburgh Steelers worth $9.2 million today. I wish you the best, Bud, but I'm sorry that this is where our paths will diverge. You're a Steeler now. Go. Fulfill your destiny. No, don' t look back. It'll only make it harder. I wish you the best, but for a Bengals fan this is goodbye. I SAID DON'T LOOK BACK. I HAVE SOMETHING IN MY EYE, THAT'S ALL.

Owensboro Man Gets Mad, Shakes Fists

R. Glenn Greene, Medical Doctor, has written an editorial letter to Owensboro's Messenger-Inquirer claiming that the Harrison Twins and WCS are among the "college dropouts" who've "elected to attack" Owensboro to get money for autographs. He then spent the rest of his day sipping an ice cold lithiated lemon-lime soda drink and arguing with the "robot lady" trying to tell him where to drive.

It's so fun watching the Patriots melt down.

Watching the New England Patriots madly try to combat allegations of deflating footballs is America's new favorite pastime. Why, just today we learned that the nickname "Deflator" from alleged texts is in reference to alleged culprit Jim McNally's attempts to lose weight, and the Patriots later would argue that the one-minute-and-forty-seconds McNally was supposedly in the men's restroom letting air out of a bag of footballs, was, in fact, "consistent with the time that it takes a gentleman to enter a bathroom, relieve himself, wash his hands, and leave." I don't know about you guys, but the exact time it takes me to urinate is nine minutes and thirty-eight seconds EVERY SINGLE TIME. Never one second more or less. Nice try, Patriots!