We were all saddened to hear Tuesday that all the good, decent people at 93.9 The Ticket (and Matt Jones too) were no longer going to be gracing us with their hot sports opinions on a daily basis because Cumulus decided to change the format and use that frequency to pump out oldies. There are a lot of reports online that a certain athletic director who will remain nameless (does "overmarket, underperform" ring a bell?) had a major hand in the jobbing of everyone at The Ticket, but I'm not really sure. What I do know is that yesterday, I went to go help Matt Jones clean out his desk and stumbled across a transcript of the first few moments of the new station. Ladies and gentleman, take a step with me into the future. And that future is "93.9 The Jurich".
"It might be the past to you, but it's all I've got"
Jurich: Heeeeey there all you cool cats, it's a new day here in the Ville and we ran all the squares out of the studio. Now, Big Daddy J is here to crank all the hits that will make you shiver by the river and rock your sock hop until Mom and Dad make you stop. But, let's slow it down a bit first and be thankful for this beautiful new start in the City of the Bird.
Ahhhh, it is a wonderful world, isn't it kids? By the way, did you know U of L went to an Orange Bowl two years ago? Yes, wonderful it is. Ok, let's take our first request. Steve in Shiveley, what's buzzin'?
Steve in Shiveley: Tom, don't you think it's time to fire Kragth....(disconnected)
Jurich: Oh, Steve. Sorry Daddy-o. Sounds like your cell phone is bad. Sorry, baby. But, Steve, I didn't like where that was heading. This one's for you.
(Leans away from mic and shouts)
Find out where that mother f*#$&r lives and send Masiello over to rough him up. Pssht. Fire Kraghtorpe. (chuckles)
Jurich: Ahh, the smooth, feel-good sound of The King always gets my heart-thumpin and my toe-a-tappin'. Did you know I'm The King of this city? I am. Ok, let's kick it on over the the request line again. Chris in Prospect, give me something cool, baby.
Chris in Prospect: If Kragthorpe continues...
Jurich: Shhhhhh, hehhhhhhh, shhhhhhh...Chris? You're breaking up.
Chris in Prospect: I'm right here. I can hear you fine. What I was saying is, if Kragthorpe doesn't improve...
Jurich: Hehhhhhh, ahhhhhh....(click)....Chris, bad reception, my man. But I think I heard you say that you can't wait for this weekend when Papa John's Cardinal Stadium is rockin'. I've got just what you need.
(Leans away from mic and shouts)
What the f*#k is going on right now? Find out where that a**hole works and have him fired.
Jurich: Oh, what a song, what a song. I just can't wait until we b-b-b-b-blow the doors off of another Big East team on Saturday. Mike in Okolona, what song will get shakin' away the problems of the day?
Mike in Okalona: Hello, Tom, can you hear me?
Jurich: Go ahead, Mike, you're on with Big Daddy J.
Mike in Okalona: Tom, I was just calling to say that Louisville never even plays football on Saturdays. The schedule crappy gam....(click).
Jurich: Can I play The Righteous Brothers? Is Danny Zuko as cool as ice? Of course I'll play The Righteous Brothers! This one's for you, Mike in Okolona
(leans back and shouts)
Listen, I mean this. If I get one more mother f*&#king call about Kragthorpe, everyone in this room will lose that working feeling. I mean it. You'll all be blogging for free by tomorrow. You want to keep working in radio? Don't f*&k with The Jurich.
Jurich: Do I have to talk or can I just keep shimmyin' and shakin' over here? It just feels so good to get down in the city that loves me. Did you know we went to an Orange Bowl two years ago? We did. Sherry in St. Matthews, you're the first lady on the line tonight, what can I do to make you my sweetheart?
Sherry in St. Matthews: Hi Tom. I'm a football season ticket holder at U of L and I thought we were great with Bush and Brohm.
Jurich: You're right, we were.
Sherry in St. Matthews: But, Kragthorpe seems...
(Jurich turns up music)
Sherry in St. Matthews: Tom, are you there?
Jurich: Sherry, turn down your radio, babe.
Sherry in St. Matthews: It's not on. Are you trying to drown me out? All I was...(click)
Jurich: Oh, too bad. Sorry, Sherry. Remember, kids, you have to turn down your radio when you call. But, Sherry, you'll always be my girl.
(leans back and shouts)
Ok, I get it. You want to test The Jurich. I know you think I'm some arrogant jerk so I'm giving you a pass to prove that I'm not. One more time and I'm coming after every single one of you mother f*&kers and blindsiding you harder than Dumervil.
Jurich: What a song. Melts my heart every time. It makes me think about all the special people in my life. Like..um...well me. I'm one in a million, Louisville. Don't forget it. Ok, back to the request line because your musical groove is all that's on my mind. Jerry in downtown, what'll do you right this evening?
Jerry in downtown: Hey Tom, I have to say, I really love what you're doing with the station.
Jurich: Thanks, Jerry. I'm usually very successful early on.
Jerry in downtown: And, well...um...(deep breath)...stevekragthorpesucks! (click)
(loud crashing and slamming as Jurich attacks producers, interns and other possible Kragthorpe haters)
Well, that's about as far as I got on the transcript, but it seems like things might be ok. This new oldies format might just work out pretty well. And, while I'll miss hearing Matt and having my pointless Saved By The Bell and Ethan Hawke-Uma Thurman text messages read on the air, I might just give this station a shot. Maybe you should do the same.
Oh yeah, anyone have a pen? I want to add "Louisville" to the list of cities where I'll never be able to get a "real" media job. Thanks.