This morning, as I prepared for another day of soul-stealing work, I had the misfortune of losing the television remote while stuck on NBC’s Today Show. As I watched the mindless banter between anchors, a slow rage crept over my body that is usually filled with indifference. Was it the fact that Katie Couric no longer lights up my morning with crystal meth induced enthusiasm? Could it have stemmed from the toothless grins of the Iowa Society of Longshoremen, who had camped out all night so as to be sure Cousin Lloyd saw his prize ear of corn being waived frantically at the passing camera? Was it that Ann Currie had once again failed to miss a button on that ever-so-snug blouse? No, it was none of the above. Then it came to me clear as Crystal Pepsi: I hate Al Roker.

I have never met Al Roker personally, but there are several things that I can guess to be true simply given his language, style, and general television persona. In me, Al generates passions of ill will and discontent unmatched by Cards’ fans, baseball, or last call. First off, I will bet my first born child (he/she may or may not already exist) that Al sits down to pee. This may come from years of having simplified the task due to his formerly ample girth (around the waist you pervs), but nonetheless old habits die hard. A man does not sit down to pee unless it is a package deal. Number two, I guarantee Al cries when shopping for greeting cards. The homespun poetry of our friends at Hallmark coupled with two kittens frolicking in a potato sack is simply more than Al’s artery clogged heart can sustain. Finally, Al, while all the time talking about the inner beauty he looks for in others, underwent the process of having his stomach folded up like an origami pup tent. I know he will claim it was due to health reasons rather than the fact he was no longer visible on anything less than a 52 inch wide-screen, but the fact he physically lacked the self-control to stop eating himself to death makes me dislike him that much more.

So, here is the interactive portion of this blog loyal reader, given the opportunity to go 5 rounds in the sweet science with ANYONE, who would it be. There would be no criminal repercussions or civil liability. You would get 5 three minute rounds with no head gear and 12 ounce gloves. You would both have six weeks to train and there would also no be guarantee that you would win. The person can be dead or alive, but you would have to fight the dead person at a time when he was alive or else it would be quite silly. You can also pick someone of another gender-we are equally opportunity around here. If you pick someone who I or anyone else thinks would kick your butt, I am sure you will hear about it. Of course, I would pick to box the staples out of old Al’s stomach.
Other honorable mentions: Nancy Grace, Benny Hinn (although his magic may be tough to train for), Sean Salisbury, Old Folks Country Sausage Guy, Ann Coulter, and Tom Gray.

Now, your turn.        


KSR Going Hunting

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