You-Have-to-Know-This Wednesday: School's OUT!

*This feature regularly appears on the Wednesday edition of KentuckySportsRadio.com. It is optional reading and includes no recruiting information. Friends, As New Line Cinema currently still holds the rights to the former title of this column (early reviews of the Lopez/Wilson vehicle are stellar, by the way), You-Have-to-Know-This Wednesday trucks along at the end of May, the beginning of summer, and the heralding of a new batch of recent high school and college graduates. Recently, I was invited to give the commencement speech at Mary Pickford University in Hawk Springs, Wyoming, a charmingly small college town which was more than accommodating to me during my stay there. I had been asked to share a motivational speech with the graduates of MPU about the world of tomorrow and how to best prepare for it, the school's Dean having been a fan of this very site. The speech, I'm pleased to say, was met with rousing success, and it has been suggested I post it here. So, without further adieu... -------------------------- My esteemed Graduates, Congratulations on your release from Mary Pickford University! Times like these are magical ones, for they herald the outgoing of a new batch of our world's citizens and make room for the next crop of young minds. It is a wonderful time. You should remember, however, that the world is a vast place, and that your travels will take you far -- and with that, new experiences will be waiting for you which you should be prepared for. What will the world of tomorrow hold for you? For starters, probably robots. When I graduated from college in the very late nineties, our biggest fear was that Nirvana would stop making music (they did) or that the next season of NYPD Blue would suck (it did). But you, my friends of tomorrow, have to deal with a far greater innovation. These robots will be far superior to you in every way, beating you out for jobs, instantly emailing valuable information from wherever they are using their built-in wi-fi processors. They will have a leg up on you, and you should not try to defeat them alone because they will be very strong. I'm just saying. Watch out for robots. Also, learn how to hoard effectively. The world of tomorrow is filled with post-apocolyptic mutants who will kill to survive. When this happens, finding a motorcycle will never have been more important to you. Taking what you can and bartering with your fellow dirty-faced survivors in the tomorrow's landscape will serve you well, establishing you as a person who can "get things done." Inevitably you will come upon a village of scroungy workers, women and children, who will call upon you to lead them to freedom. You will need to be prepared for this first by digging out, with a knife, the government-sanctioned tracking chip placed inside your body during the Recall of 2021 (for that is what it will be called). Then you will be able to move freely among the danger zones of tomorrow. Safely. On your motorcycle, which will be supercool and all souped up with guns and stuff. It's important not to forget that powerful psychics will also be employed by the government in the world of tomorrow to locate, telepathically, those who are living "off the grid." It will be especially difficult to foil these individuals, who will infiltrate your mind to see what you see and take that information back to their superiors. You will need to find a scientist who is reluctant to help you, but eventually will come around to fighting alongside you after his only daughter is taken by the robot police, and he will open up a secret safe and give you a serum which helps cloud your mind when these powerful psychics attempt to get inside it. Then the scientist will probably die saving his daughter. Finally, never underestimate the power of confidence and a firm handshake. This will help impress prospective employers and win you friends everywhere you go. Unless they are robots, in which case their crushing grip will likely destroy your hand. So get out there and follow your dreams, graduates! ----------------------------------- There you have it. And thanks for letting me share. It's important to have a game plan after graduation. Otherwise, you may end up like Brian Atene, who in 1984 answered director Stanley Kubrick's open call for cast members of his in-development film Full Metal Jacket with a rousing scene from The Outsiders. Mr. Atene didn't make the final cut, unfortunately. But we showcase him here today. Enjoy. That is all.