Musings from Arledge: Improving college football

Winter isn’t coming. Winter is here. We’re once again in the annual ice age for sports, the darkest time of the year. Football is over. The NCAA basketball tournament hasn’t started, and neither have the NBA playoffs. (And the regular seasons in those sports just aren’t that great.) Baseball hasn’t started. Calcio Storico isn’t until June. 

For sports fans, the available content isn’t great. We have (1) reruns of old games; (2) Field of Dreams and Major League on a streaming service; (3) WeAreSC’s Inside the Trojans Huddle (watch it!); and (4) the Winter Olympics, which are not only inferior to the Summer Olympics – we don’t really care whether the Norwegian or the Finn can get down the mountain the fastest – but this time are, for many of us, not just boring but gross, because we know that ski run on the side of the mountain was probably cleared by eight-year-old Uyghur slave labor or Falun Gong grandmothers using their bare hands, while NBC and the corporate advertisers who are usually so outspoken on American political issues suddenly get very quiet about real, mass, criminal activity to protect their earnings. 

It’s bad, I tell you. It’s all bad.

So let’s take this off-time to be productive. College football is the greatest game on earth. But that doesn’t mean it can’t get better. Here’s how:

• Relegation. Just like in English soccer, the bottom two teams from each Power Five conference should be relegated to the next-closest minor conference. Pac-12 teams will be relegated to the Mountain West, Big 10 teams to the MAC, etc. The top two teams from those conferences will move up. Let’s raise the stakes a little. Who wouldn’t love to see Stanford and Cal playing to see who gets to stay in the conference? That’s must-watch TV.

• Non-conference scheduling will be taken away from the schools. The same people who set the NFL schedule will set the schedules for major-college football. Power Five teams will only play other FBS teams. Alabama won’t play Mercer any more.

• Scrap the halftime marching band performance. I love the band before the game; it sets the mood better than anything. I love the band during the game. Keep playing after every first down and drive the opposing team and fans crazy. I love it! But enough of the halftime show. It’s boring. 

It will be replaced with gladiatorial-style battles between the teams’ mascots. Teams can use their existing characters (so Bama’s elephant and Stanford’s ridiculous tree are grandfathered in) or they can choose another character (or real-life animal) that is based on their existing mascot. Oregon must remain the Ducks. They cannot become the Oregon Rambos. Teams like the Texas Tech Red Raiders and West Virginia Mountaineers – teams with a mascots that pack heat – are obviously in a good spot here. Teams that have silly mascots like “Ducks” are not. Tough. Them’s the breaks. 

Conversely, you can elect not to use your mascot and let the other team’s fan base choose a replacement for your side, which can be any person ever associated with your football program. Just imagine … “Ladies and gentlemen, don’t go anywhere. We have a thrilling halftime spectacle for you today. The University of Florida’s real life gator takes on UCLA’s Rick Neuheisel in a fight to the death. We’re about to see whether a 15-foot gator believes that punting may be winning….”

• Each year, one of the major rivalries must play on a Saturday other than rivalry Saturday on the week that coincides with USC’s bye week, so I can see all the big games: Michigan-Ohio State, OU-Texas, the Iron Bowl, UCLA-Cal State Northridge, etc.

• Every year for the Notre Dame-USC game, the Irish must bring back Charlie Weis. He doesn’t have to coach, but he does have to be physically connected to the current Notre Dame coach for the full 24 hours of game day. I think the best means is one of those leashes that mothers sometimes use for their toddlers at the mall, but I’m open to alternative suggestions. Both Weis and ND’s current coach – whoever it is at the time – have to wear a hat that says “Decided Schematic Advantage.” Weis will not be allowed any Kleenex no matter how cold it is. I assume he’s still fine with that. 

• No major program can ever play a game that starts earlier than 12:30 pacific or later than 5:00 pacific. They can televise games outside those windows – I like watching a few minutes of Hawaii-Fresno State as I’m dozing off late on a Saturday night – but those games can only involve minor programs, the ones that serve as stepping stones for coaches looking for better jobs, like Boise State, Houston, Notre Dame, and Oklahoma.

• Lee Corso will no longer put on the headgear of the team he believes will win Gameday’s game of the week. From now on, he will put that headgear on a dancing Brian Kelly, who will be forced to dance and speak in his faux Cajun accent for the entire three-hour program every Saturday.

• End the NCAA. Now and forever. Just end it. We can figure out what comes next after it’s dead.

• The networks will be fined if their announcers use ridiculous superlatives during a broadcast. No, guys, that player is not one of the top linebackers in the country. Nobody has ever heard of him, and he won’t get drafted. No, fellas, that guy does not have moves like Barry Sanders. That’s embarrassing. Just stop saying that nonsense. Or we’re going to hit you where it hurts: in your wallet.

• No more field goals or extra points. You score TD’s only, and you can only go for two. You can punt, but only inside your own 40 yard line.

• Teams can choose only three uniforms for the entire season: one home, one away, and one alternate. And you can only use your school colors. Sorry, Oregon. But what you’re doing is stupid and needs to end.

• As college football becomes more like a professional sport, I’m worried about a rift developing between the programs and the academics who run the institutions. As a sign of goodwill, teams will no longer be permitted to put last names on jerseys. They can only put the player’s preferred pronouns.

• The football playoff will now be 12 teams. The top-four teams have a bye. You cannot be a top-four team unless you are the champion of a Power Five conference. The remaining eight teams will be selected by the committee. No conference can have more than two teams. A third-place team does not belong in the playoff.

• There will be two signing periods: in August before a player starts his senior season and in February. That’s it. There is only one transfer period: the first four weeks after the end of the season.  

• Players can play in college for as long as they want, as long as they obtain a BA or BS in five years and, if they choose to stay longer, are enrolled in a graduate program and taking at least 12 hours per semester. Guys who are great players but do not have NFL bodies might play in college for 15 years, make real NIL money, and stockpile multiple PhD’s. “And here he is pulling up to the Coliseum in his Lamborghini, USC’s all-time leading tackler, and one of the highest-paid players in the nation, Dr. Matt Grootogeod.”

• We need to get all administrations committed to football success. So from now on, U.S News and World Report must make a school’s ranking in last year’s final AP Poll a major factor in its Best Colleges list. And if a school has three consecutive losing seasons, it must fire its president.

• Speaking of firing, all Pac 12 officials will be terminated immediately. NFL officials will take their place. If they are not available, a random selection of people off the street will do.

• A team can throw a forward pass past the line of scrimmage one time per half.

• When Nick Saban leaves Alabama, he must be replaced by Clay Helton.