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Best Joke You’ve Heard Lately

unctarheel1984

unctarheel1984

All-American
Aug 15, 2002
9,775
7,251
101
An older couple is sitting at the table across from each other, the weariness evident in their faces. She is knitting. He is nursing a glass of bourbon and finally says, “Have I told you lately how much I love you?”

Skeptical, she looks up and asks, “Is that you talking or the whiskey?”

“Me”, he says, “talkin’ to the whiskey.”
 
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unctarheel1984

unctarheel1984

All-American
Aug 15, 2002
9,775
7,251
101
Top Water said:
UNC football season tickets plus parking!
Click to expand...
Sad Disappointed GIF by Paramount Network
 
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kik84

All-Conference
Jul 29, 2025
1,225
1,363
113
A drunk guy in a bar threatens to beat up another guy, telling him he was going to be protein,

The other guy replies, "Damn right, I'm very protein, I'm dating a 19 year-old!"
 
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Ibsnoman

Ibsnoman

Redshirt
Jul 31, 2025
21
22
3
Made a little something ahead of Dublin.

Two rival coaches get stuck sharing one podium before the opener. It goes off the rails fast. About 90 seconds.

If you get a laugh out of it, a like or a comment helps — more of these coming through the season.

 
FreeLunch

FreeLunch

All-Conference
Jul 30, 2025
1,353
1,561
113
A brief history of economic thought .... from Luis Garicano:


Adam Smith said a bunch of stuff that was mostly right. Marx said a bunch of stuff that was wrong. Keynes fixed some things up, messed some others. Then Lucas broke everything again.

Now, we've got it all basically worked out, except for money, growth, recessions, banks, bubbles, inflation, unemployment, inequality, exchange rates, and what human beings are about.
 
Ibsnoman

Ibsnoman

Redshirt
Jul 31, 2025
21
22
3
I made a parody of the two guys who are dead certain everybody
is sleeping on their team. Curious whether it plays for people who
actually talk like this in August.

 
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kik84

All-Conference
Jul 29, 2025
1,225
1,363
113
What's the favorite 1980s song of Emperor Palpatine?

"On the Dark Side," by John Cafferty and the Beaver Brown Band
 
unctarheel1984

unctarheel1984

All-American
Aug 15, 2002
9,775
7,251
101
Heel Alum said:
in honor of our opener on Saturday, worst pick up line: "Hey baby you must be from Ireland cause my **** is Dublin"
Click to expand...
My favorite along that line is to ask a pretty girl on St. Paddy’s Day, “Do you have a little Irish in ya?” And when she says no, ask “Would you care to?”
 
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kik84

All-Conference
Jul 29, 2025
1,225
1,363
113
Man goes to work for a progressive company. On his first day, he asks his manager where the bathroom is.

Manager inquires, "Gender-fluid?"

Employee responds, "Yes, there will be plenty of that."
 
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kik84

All-Conference
Jul 29, 2025
1,225
1,363
113
Man buys his wife roses and brings them home to her.

Wife is skeptical, asks her husband, "I guess I'm supposed to spread my legs now, right?"

Husband replies, "No, don't we have a vase?"
 
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nutz4Dheels

Sophomore
Nov 7, 2006
150
141
43
I once got sunburned really bad. My doctor told me to take Viagra. I said, "How is Viagra supposed to help my sunburn?" He replied, "Oh, it won't help your sunburn at all, but it'll keep the sheets off of your legs for about 4 hours."
 
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Forever 52

Senior
Jul 28, 2025
219
485
63
An older gal wanted a tattoo of Elvis on each of her inner thighs, so she completely undressed, and the tattoo artist worked for hours to give her his best Elvis on each thigh.
when he got done, she looked at them and cried, “ they don’t look anything like Elvis”.
so she called her very drunk husband in to look, and said” who do these guys look like to you ”?
he said,” I don’t know who the guys on the sides are, but the guy in the middle is Willie Nelson.
 
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