How can I help an alcoholic quit drinking?

[J_Dee]

An acquaintance of mine's developed into a severe non-functional alcoholic. He's always been a very heavy drinker, but for the past six or seven months, he's hit a nearby liquor store nearly every single morning and he's been passed out drunk nearly every single day by noon. Every single day. It's uncanny. He's lost everything but his life because of it, and he's going to lose that very soon if he can't stop.

I've helped his family and his ex-girlfriend find him professional help -- he's had multiple stints in rehab, he's seen a billion different therapists, he's tried all kinds of medication, and he's been to AA -- but none of those options have worked and (when he's sober enough to speak) he absolutely refuses to try them again. Casey's Law isn't an option because nobody's willing to assume responsibility for him. I don't have any experience at all with this sort of thing and I don't have a clue what to suggest next. I know that every situation's unique, but if anyone's gone through a similar ordeal and has any general advice at all as to how to help, it's appreciated.

 

[bigsmoothie]

He won’t stop until he is ready. You just have to hope he hits rock bottom before it’s too late.

 

[Father Torque_rivals16706]

Short answer, you can't.

Until he wants to quit, he won't. He's going to have to hit some sort of rock bottom for himself that makes him want to give it up. You can talk till you're blue in the face, but it's all on him.

 

[buckethead1978]

Sorry about your friend. Lost an uncle to alcoholism this year.

Pretty much nothing you can do

 

[berniecarbo]

You can't quit for him. I was pretty bad for a number of years after coming home from Viet Nam. The Lord got me through it and I've been clean and sober for 36 years now. He won't quit till he's ready.

 

[Glenn's Take]

I quit smoking 3 times when I didn't want to quit before I quit for the 1 time I did want to quit. I had my last cigarette as I drove myself to the hospital the Wednesday after we lost to Arizona in the 97 title game. Stayed there for 3 days with asthmatic bronchitis. You have to want to quit something like that.

 

[notFromhere]

An acquaintance of mine's developed into a severe non-functional alcoholic. He's always been a very heavy drinker, but for the past six or seven months, he's hit a nearby liquor store nearly every single morning and he's been passed out drunk nearly every single day by noon. Every single day. It's uncanny. He's lost everything but his life because of it, and he's going to lose that very soon if he can't stop.

I've helped his family and his ex-girlfriend find him professional help -- he's had multiple stints in rehab, he's seen a billion different therapists, he's tried all kinds of medication, and he's been to AA -- but none of those options have worked and (when he's sober enough to speak) he absolutely refuses to try them again. Casey's Law isn't an option because nobody's willing to assume responsibility for him. I don't have any experience at all with this sort of thing and I don't have a clue what to suggest next. I know that every situation's unique, but if anyone's gone through a similar ordeal and has any general advice at all as to how to help, it's appreciated.

I had a friend many years ago that was the same, mostly functional when it came to work. His wife prayed for him, argued with him, and reasoned with him for 20 years. He didn't disagree with her reasoning but he couldn't and wouldn't stop drinking. He went to church and did his best in every other way and cleaned up what he could of the rest of his life. Then one day when he drove up to the bar, as he did every day after work, he just didn't want to do it anymore. No idea where it came from, just that he was at peace with not ever going back. Nothing had changed in his relationships with the people there. No bad day or good day. Just no desire there anymore. He knows it was a gift from God.

I don't know if this helps you at all, but there is hope if you trust

 

[LineSkiCat14]

He's likely using Alcohol to cover up something else: be it boredom, anxiety, depression, etc. I imagine the quarantine didn't help, COVID has been a *****.

Alcohol is definitely my vice. I'm not into tobacco, gambling, drugs, sweets or anything else.. but alcohol is certainly one I have to watch and reel my self back in at times. "You never want to drink so much, that you have to quit" is something I try and remember. It's easy during these times to get bored and rattle off 8 or 10 drinks on a Wednesday, but you have to find something else to do.

 

[MychalG]

OP I commend you for trying to help your friend however the other posters are correct, he will not stop until he looks in the mirror and decides it is time. Hopefully that day will come before it is too late. I have a nephew that was hooked on heroin for about 5 years. His parents and the rest of the family tried everything, rehab many times to help him be he kept falling backwards. He has done jail and prison time and he is just 28 years old. He is clean now, works every day and has his own apartment and trying very hard to stay off of it.. But he knows and we all know all it takes in one time and he will be right back in the world. I ask him recently what has helped him the most and he said himself. Said he got tired of all it and woke up one day and decided enough was enough. He has turned his back on his old "friends" and stays to himself. I know several people who started drinking to party and soon it took over their everyday life. I never liked the way alcohol made me feel, especially the after effects.

 

[Bluetick2100]

Watching my brother drink himself to death right now.
Not a damn thing I can do about it. Tried many times.
There is nothing stronger than a persons will.

 

[BGCATFAN2012]

Take em to Eastern Ky get them hooked on meth.Naw seriously change the environment helps sum but I've seen two people in my life I thought really need to find out it has to come from within.But good luck in your fight its a long battle.

 

[weused2luvhim2]

he will never quit until he’s ready I grew up with a fifth of gin a day alcoholic. She quit basically be she was going to die. My little sister is on the same path. It’s sad to watch. You can’t even say anything it’ll just be a fight.

 

[bigblueinsanity_rivals250340]

He won’t stop until he is ready. You just have to hope he hits rock bottom before it’s too late.

he will never quit until he’s ready I grew up with a fifth of gin a day alcoholic. She quit basically be she was going to die. My little sister is on the same path. It’s sad to watch. You can’t even say anything it’ll just be a fight.

It's sad but true. Even worse the best thing you can do is just let them know you're there for them when they are ready for change. Then stay completely away from them. Otherwise they can and will bring you down too; emotionally and/or financially. It's like trying to save a drowning person.

 

[HagginHall1999]

I agree people will only quit when they want it...either rock bottom, become miserable or a life changing event.

That said, he needs to be careful if he tries to stop on his own...quitting cold turkey if he is a legit alcoholic can be fatal.

I would suggest urging him to go to rehab or take a step towards an AA meeting again and a sponsor if the situation allows for the latter. Not sure of the circumstance but a sponsor is key to success.

 

[Hank Camacho]

Addicts are unlikely to respond to anything that sounds remotely like judgment. Since it is an acquaintance and not a close friend or family member, maybe just try reaching out and being a friend without enabling any drinking or other bad behavior.

If it was a person closer to you, Al-Anon or another co-dependency program is usually the best solution.

 

[CB3UK]

You have to want to quit yourself. Its just that simple. People prodding addicts from the outside, even offering help, none of it matters if they dont truly want to quit themselves. Some people finally get to that point, and some dont.

 

[Baller Cal]

Tommy Lasorda said it best, it's not an addiction it's a crutch. He knows right from wrong so you can't help him, he has to do it himself.

 

[drawing_dead]

do not enable.
do not associate when they are using.
under no circumstance do you go down with them.
it is true that most addicts are dual-diagnosed, whether it is bipolar, manic depression, schizophrenia, or something else. my son has spent the better part of the last 5 years addicted. 52 felonies and ~2 years in jail did not slow him down. he has done every drug he could get his hands on but the one drug that he loved was a clear liquid "spice" sold over the counter and mixed in the back room at a tobacco shop. said he has seen meth addicts put the pipe away and switch to this ****. said it is the most addictive drug he has ever seen. he completed rehab in jail 3 times and twice on the outside with inpatient facilities. he is 23 years old.

one of the toughest days was driving him to the airport and putting him on a plane to rehab and telling him he can never live at home again. strung out and manic, he missed his connector in Atlanta. said he was just going to leave the airport and live on the streets of Atlanta. he was 22 then.

9.5 months later, 1700 miles from home, and he is as clean as the wind-driven snow. has a full-time job, an apartment, and a vehicle.

i saw the end long before the wife would or could. i put it in God's hands because there was NOTHING that we could do, nothing. it has been tough but in the end, we had to do what was best for him and not our selves.

all the glory to God...

 

[notFromhere]

i saw the end long before the wife would or could. i put it in God's hands because there was NOTHING that we could do, nothing. it has been tough but in the end, we had to do what was best for him and not our selves.

all the glory to God...

Always. Always.

 

[TheEgyptianMagician]

Two people I know are alcoholics.

They both went through tragedy, exceedingly difficult and long failures rehab/institution/AA whatever programs, and emerged successful productive human beings.

THey both credit their faith, which came after.

 

[WayneDougan_rivals170043]

If he’s drinking that much, he could have serious medical issues if he quits cold turkey. A family member of ours had seizures when he tried to sober up. He had to spend time in the hospital and once he was “dry”, they placed him in this facility where he had to work during the day. He’ll be in there for 18 months. So far so good.

 

[Hank Camacho]

If he’s drinking that much, he could have serious medical issues if he quits cold turkey. A family member of ours had seizures when he tried to sober up. He had to spend time in the hospital and once he was “dry”, they placed him in this facility where he had to work during the day. He’ll be in there for 18 months. So far so good.

You realize you're an *******, right? I know there is a lot of internet schtick, but this is how people die. That ****** attitude does not help.

I understand the impulse to cast judgment and be moralistic but it accomplishes absolutely nothing.

 

[WayneDougan_rivals170043]

You realize you're an *******, right? I know there is a lot of internet schtick, but this is how people die. That ****** attitude does not help.

I understand the impulse to cast judgment and be moralistic but it accomplishes absolutely nothing.

Does anybody have any clue what @Hankshaker is talking about? There was nothing judgmental in my response. I said that a) just stopping drinking cold turkey could lead to serious medical issues and b) my family member is doing well in his 18-month treatment. He's happy and finally feels like he is recovering.

 

[catlanta33]

You realize you're an *******, right? I know there is a lot of internet schtick, but this is how people die. That ****** attitude does not help.

I understand the impulse to cast judgment and be moralistic but it accomplishes absolutely nothing.

Hank, I think you missed the mark on this one. That is pretty genuine and accurate. Wayne can be a tough love ******** but that didn't seem to be the post indicating that.

 

[TheEgyptianMagician]

Maybe it was the severity of what was necessary for treatment.

I didn't find it judgemental/moralistic, don't @ me I only get into drama if it's about politics bad ideas, but I think the good idea here is to be persistent and hopeful for all involved, being too harsh GET YOUR CHIT TOGETHER!! on people who are struggling can backfire, which is maybe what he took out of it.

 

[WayneDougan_rivals170043]

Maybe it was the severity of what was necessary for treatment.

I didn't find it judgemental/moralistic, don't @ me I only get into drama if it's about politics bad ideas, but I think the good idea here is to be persistent and hopeful for all involved, being too harsh GET YOUR CHIT TOGETHER!! on people who are struggling can backfire, which is maybe what he took out of it.

His parents and wife forced him in the treatment center. It's pretty harsh - but they viewed it as the only way to save his life. He lives with other men in the same predicament, and then does construction work with those men during the day to earn money to pay for the treatment. Keeps him busy and productive.

 

[catlanta33]

I echo the sentiment the person has to want to change. About all you can do is let them know there are options other than what they're doing and make sure they know someone is there that cares about them when they're ready for help.

 

[Hank Camacho]

Hank, I think you missed the mark on this one. That is pretty genuine and accurate. Wayne can be a tough love ******** but that didn't seem to be the post indicating that.

That very well may be.

 

[drawing_dead]

none of this is easy, it is all tough and therefore tough love if you care for someone in this condition.

 

[8titles_rivals270261]

Went through it for about 15 years with my brother. Essentially you have to be there for them when they want to get sober, or are sober (more on that) but force them to own their problem when they want to use. Addicts always want to force their issue on everyone else as a way of coping. It's very easy to fall into and feel that you HAVE to be there for them, even when all they want is money, time and effort to help them continue to drink. They will ask nicely, beg and plead, try to make you feel guilty and in some cases get violent. You cannot reason with them when they are using, so there is absolutely no use. Typically they have some type of episode like getting in trouble with the law or getting extremely sick that forces them to get sober, even for a short time. Once sober, they are more apt to listen. That said, if they don't want to hear it they won't change.

- Set boundaries where their issue doesn't impact your life
- Be there for them both when they want to get sober, but more importantly when they ARE sober. I have seen a lot of people get sober and then go back because everyone pretty much ignores them after several weeks/months because "they are good". They are not, and likely never will be. If you love them then make time for them every week. It is critical.
- Know that you cannot save them until they save themselves. And heaven forbid, if something terrible happens to them while using you have to come to terms with the fact that you literally could not have saved them. My brother has admitted this since he's been sober (around 5 years now). He got deathly ill and was by himself thinking he was on the way out. That turned him.

 

[-BBH-]

I am dealing with it with my brother now. Two DUIs, broken marriage, lost two jobs in the last two years.

Been awful for the entire family. We have tried helping , paid for rehab/counseling, attorneys for his DUIs, etc. Nothing has helped. We had to write him off. We told him we would be there when he decides he wants to get better for him and his kids, but until then we're done. It was a tough decision but the best for my family, which is ultimately the most important thing.

 

[WayneDougan_rivals170043]

@Hankshaker - I've joked around about that family member on this board in the past, but of course never with my own family. And I apologize if that's what you are referring to. My issue was that the solutions his family was pushing us to help with (e.g., no wine at Thanksgiving) were just complete half-*** measures that weren't going to make a lick of difference.

I cannot fathom having a close family member who is really struggling with something like this, especially folks on here who are dealing with their sons going through this problem. My question to them - did you see it coming? Drugs may be different, but with my family member (who I wasn't overly close with), he was always a big drinker in college - but the shift to full blown alcoholic seemed to come on very quickly.

 

[rudd1]

-nothing. Its up to him. If one could be loved/coerced into better behavior...the world would have no problems.

-AA will work when *he* decides he is ready to put in the work.

 

[stuway]

OP here it is for ya bro. I'm an addict, well was. I don't buy the mantra once an addict, always an addict. Thats BS and weak minded thinking. Hell no, if I work my *** and get sober, stay sober...I ain't bearing that cross anymore. But the lessons it teaches are always there to reflect on as to not repeat them

But as everyone has said, there is sadly nothing anyone can do to help this person until he wants to change. It sucks but is 100% true.

You have to cut them off ans hope they hit rock bottom before they die. Rock bottom is about the only way it may click for an addict ans they will seek change.

I know it sucks to hear but it is true and why there is no easy pre set plan to fix addicts. Getting out is a motha and most people don't make it out.


Pray for your friend and tell him when he truly wants sobriety you will be there to support him. Tell him in the mean time there is nothing you can do. Good luck man. I'm proof, people can get out. You just have to want it more than the disease wants you. It geta easier to stay gommed up than fight it most days. I hope your friend decides to fight.

 

[bkingUK]

Can only talk about my own experiences with addicts.

1) Be brutally honest but make it clear there is hope in changing.

2) Don’t enable. If you drink and have no issues with it, that’s fine, but don’t ever drink with them. Don’t make an exception.

3) Cutting the person off is sometimes the best thing you can do. And tell them you’re doing it.

Had a friend go down a bad route. Got into heroin and meth. Had so much potential and still does. Great salesman. But I made it clear to never contact me again unless he’s clean and ready to live a respectable life. Went to rehab and still battles with it. I want to help but I know the pattern that will follow.

 

[BigBlueDave_rivals76951]

I don't buy the mantra once an addict, always an addict. Thats BS and weak minded thinking.

I was about to post something along the line of always one. The ones that have blazed the trail of personal destruction have left such an impression on me that I forget about the successful friends/acquaintances.

I'm about 50/50 over 15-20 people. I had even forgotten about my own fil. It never came up and he was sober the last 20 years of his life.

 

[UKWildcats#8]

If he has lost everything but his life hiw does he get booze? If no one buys him booze and he is jobless he can't drink it if he is broke.

 

[stuway]

Dave I just think thats dangerous. As I said, never forget what you went through and what not to Do. But its hard to get your self esteem and confidence back thinking you're an addict. Just so much negativity and stigma with that word.

 

[J_Dee]

Thanks, everyone. I really do appreciate all of this input. Yinz are great.

Spoiler

And to everyone in this thread who's struggling with this same situation or has in the past, you're in my thoughts and prayers. Stay safe.

 

[HagginHall1999]

Does anybody have any clue what @Hankshaker is talking about? There was nothing judgmental in my response. I said that a) just stopping drinking cold turkey could lead to serious medical issues and b) my family member is doing well in his 18-month treatment. He's happy and finally feels like he is recovering.

Not sure what you are referring to but stopping cold turkey if you are a chronic functionally dependent alcoholic can be fatal. This is not a joke or internet fantasy it is 100% factual.

If a person has immediate access to a hospital bed or facility to go through withdraw they will be ok but to do this at home without supervision is not a good idea.