joke thread

santamaria78

New member
Nov 13, 2017
742
851
0
Yo momma's so dumb, when she went to the movies and saw the "Under 17 not permitted" sign, she left to get 16 of her friends.

Yo momma's so dumb, she went to the dentist to get a Bluetooth.
 

WildcatFan1982

Active member
Dec 4, 2011
21,165
5,107
81
A building contracter hires an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Chinaman. He gathers them all in his office and tells each of them their jobs. The Englishman to shovel a pile of sand. The Irishman has to take the sand in the wheelbarrow to the truck. The Chinaman is in charge of supplies.

The boss comes back two hours later and he sees the Englishman and the Irishman having a cup of tea. ''So have you done the work then?'' he asks.

The workers both shake their heads and tell him that the Chinaman didn't give them a shovel or a wheelbarrow. The boss is infuriated by this and asks the workers if they have seen the Chinaman, they tell him they thought they saw him going toward the truck. So the boss sets out towards the truck and just as he is getting close to the truck the Chinaman jumps out from behind a wall and yells, "SUPPLIES!"
 

funKYcat75

Well-known member
Apr 10, 2008
32,266
31,917
112
A. What's green, sits in a bathtub and whistles?

B. I give up, what?

A. A salami.

B. A salami's not green.

A. You can paint it green.

B. A salami doesn't sit in a bathtub.

A. You can put in a bathtub.

B. A salami doesn't whistle.

A. Ah, I just put that part in to make it difficult.
 

OldEvilleCat

New member
Mar 1, 2009
4,851
20,620
0
There once was a man from Cass
Who had balls made outta brass
During stormy weather
He clanged'em together
And lightning shot out his ***
 

starchief

New member
Feb 18, 2005
10,137
34,625
0
A group of senior citizens were exchanging notes about their ailments.

"My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup."

"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee."

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck."

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy."

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old."

"Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive."
 

entropy13

Active member
Apr 27, 2010
3,203
677
83
There once was a man from Cass
Who had balls made outta brass
During stormy weather
He clanged'em together
And lightning shot out his ***

Hey jackhole, this is the joke thread, not the sh!tty limerick thread. Do us all a favor and go DIAF please. In the meantime, Mods, please ban him for posting off topic.
 
  • Like
Reactions: OldEvilleCat

TortElvisII

Active member
May 7, 2010
51,233
33,870
66
  • When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Nail, don't go near the cellar door!". I would spend hours wondering, imagining what was on the other side of the cellar door. One day I saw the cellar door was slightly open. I decided I had to see what was on the other side even if it killed me. So I crept up to the door and I pushed it open and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun..
 
Last edited:

55wildcat

Well-known member
Jan 4, 2006
33,802
44,272
113
What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?



Christopher Walken

(sorry BKH)

 

TortElvisII

Active member
May 7, 2010
51,233
33,870
66
What is the difference between a urologist and a bowl of chili?

One is hot and spicy and the other analyzes urine.
 

TortElvisII

Active member
May 7, 2010
51,233
33,870
66
  • I got into a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
 

starchief

New member
Feb 18, 2005
10,137
34,625
0
The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit." The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said, "Let's see, you're a size 44 long." Joe laughed and said, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." "Let's see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve." Joe was surprised. "How did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years." The shirt fit perfectly. As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, "You could use new shoes." Since Joe was on a roll, he said, "Sure." The man eyed Joe's feet and said, "9-1/2E." Joe was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly. As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Why not." The man stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36." Joe laughed. "Finally I've got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old." The tailor shook his head. "You can't wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
 

TortElvisII

Active member
May 7, 2010
51,233
33,870
66
I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell... except that when I leave a building, I always go out a window.