Musings from Arledge: Memo to George Kliavkoff
MEMORANDUM
From: Chris Arledge
To: George Kliavkoff
cc: Pac-12 Presidents
Re: The Pac-12’s path forward
Breakups don’t have to be ugly. Yes, we’re going our separate ways. But we were partners for a very long time. Not good partners. Good partners don’t collect $10 million a year in charity from the most valuable and important partner and still routinely poke that valuable partner in the eye with a stick until he has no choice but to leave. But we should let bygones be bygones.
That’s why I’m writing. I’ve been following in the media your efforts to keep this conference intact and solvent, and I must say, I’m more than a little concerned. So I’m here to offer my consulting services. And, no, I’m not a professional in this area. But I also come from USC, the institution that hired Pat Haden, Lynn Swann, and Clay Helton, and you Pac-12 presidents are the ones who hired and retained Larry Scott. So I don’t see why any of us should be put off by my obvious lack of expertise.
I hear you’re looking at Apple TV as your answer to the conference’s media woes. I’m not surprised, and I’m not opposed. We’ll talk about that in a minute. But let’s start with the key principle: you must come to terms with the fact that you are now a second or even third-tier conference. Until you understand where you are, you can’t possibly know where you should be going. The Pac-12 losing USC is like Art Garfunkel losing Paul Simon or Andrew Ridgely losing George Michael. You can still do your thing, but it fundamentally transforms your future in a negative way.
I understand you’re thinking about replacing USC and its kid brother with SMU and San Diego State. That’s smart. With SMU, you’re getting the fifth most popular team in the state – kind of like Cal, only with less communism. With San Diego State, you’re getting the 18th most popular team in its state. You may want to talk to the 17th most popular, Occidental College, but San Diego State will certainly get you the 212 San Diego viewers you crave, so get that deal done.
Just understand that this won’t solve all your problems. Replacing USC as your flagship program with Oregon is like replacing Mick Jagger with your cousin Billy, who used to sing in the high school choir and isn’t half-bad at karaoke. You do what you have to do, I guess, but don’t expect to be booking the Forum anytime soon.
A key principle of sales is to undersell and overdeliver. So you may want to scrap that whole Conference of Champions thing. It raises expectations and leads inevitably to consumer disappointment. Maybe go with Conference of Not Bad. Or Conference of We’re Trying; Honestly. Or maybe Conference that Foolishly Drove Away Its Flagship Program And Now Lives On Life Support. That one’s long, but it’s accurate. Try using the acronym: CTFDAIFPANLOLS.
Once you’re appropriately lowered expectations – which should be easy enough for most of you – you’re ready to formulate a plan. First of all, don’t worry about getting your games viewed live. I mean, what are you going to do? Go head-to-head with the Mountain West or the MAC? I don’t think that’s a good idea. The MAC will eat your lunch. They’re playing good football in the MAC. Stick to a streaming service and hope that people will watch your games in the offseason, when they’re bored, badly miss football, and are willing to watch just about anything – no matter how awful – to get their gridiron fix. This is why Apple TV is perfect. Besides, the bulk of Apple TV subscribers are already emotionally invested in Ted Lasso, a sports comedy about an inept coach who is in way over his head and just saw his team relegated to the minors. That does sound like your demographic. It’s likely that hundreds, maybe even thousands, of college football fans will binge watch Pac-12 games after the football season is over while waiting for Ted Lasso season three. This is a good start.
This also opens up a world of possibilities. You can schedule football games on Tuesday afternoons if you want. You can even play three, four, or five games in a day to cut down on production costs. Then you can keep the football stadiums free for higher-revenue activities on the weekends like Motocross or tribute band concerts.
You might also consider moving to alternative distribution models – I mean, even more than you already are. A Pac-12 Instagram page where people watch 20-second highlights of your games could be a big hit. I could see you getting to a few thousand followers within a year or two. You could even try something really outside the box: distributing still photos or even courtroom artist sketches of the more exciting plays. Most Oregon Ducks players have been sketched repeatedly by courtroom sketch artists, so you might be able to get a volume discount. You can even pay Fox to show some of these still shots and sketches during commercial breaks of USC-Michigan. It’s your best bet at a large audience.
And if you want to attract live crowds, you’re going to have to be more creative. Look at what minor league baseball teams do. Failed Marriage Proposal Night? Races between fat kids and taco mascots? What are you waiting for?!
And the Pac-12 is in a special position to cash in on this model. Think about the following at Autzen Stadium: Uncle Phil Frees a Child Slave Laborer Night. Fans can vote on which Uygher child slave will be freed from Nike’s Chinese factories. Phil can present he winner at halftime at midfield. He could even remove the kid’s shackles while the band plays and the crowd goes crazy.
Or how about this: ASU Coeds on Pornhub Night. The Sun Devils can probably fill the entire upper deck of the stadium with ASU girls on that website. And this might lead to fantastic cross promotions, where “actors” wear ASU hats or wear – and quickly remove – Jake the Snake jerseys.
Or maybe this: Band on the Field Night. For the Cal-Stanford Big Game, both bands will be on the field for the entire contest, not just one play. Players will have no choice but to run around, over, or through tuba players and flutists.
Or – and these are just ideas, George – how about Quick Change Night at an Oregon home game. Between plays the Ducks players will twirl and – poof! – they’re suddenly wearing a whole new uniform. They can get through 100 or 200 costume changes in one game if Oregon puts in some effort on the practice field. What a fantastic tribute to the most important and most memorable thing about Oregon football!
Finally, I think you should consider some cost-cutting measures. Since the conference is going to get less television money per season than Mater Dei, you’re going to want to watch unnecessary expenditures. Start by cutting off Larry Scott’s Netflix account, which I’m told is still being paid from Pac-12 moneys. Consider requiring Cal fans to bring their own batteries to the games to throw on the field instead of having the school pass them out at the student entrance. And maybe consider playing games without officials. Just let the players call it themselves, like we do on the playground. You save money, and you’ll probably get a better officiated game.
Let me close with this. I know there is some bitterness between you and us. Our soon-to-be-ex conference mates thought it made sense to pull USC down – unfavorable scheduling, no help with the NCAA kangaroo court, horrific scheduling – all while collecting ten million dollars a year in charity from the Trojans. They thought this could go on forever. Maybe they believed all of USC had gone the way of Pat and had acquired an unseemly case of Stockholm Syndrome. The fair-minded folks at the NCAA and the fair-minded charity cases at the Pac-12. I see why you believed that. And I see why now you’re sad to see the gravy train end.
In cases like this, there’s a temptation to focus on the past and get angry when you see your ex having success. You will be tempted, I suspect, to get upset when you see USC playing Ohio State in a game with national-title implications and a huge television audience. You’ll wonder why nobody wants to tune in to watch Cal battle SMU in front of 27,321 in Strawberry Canyon. But this is a path to nowhere. Yes, you screwed up. Yes, you’re irrelevant. Yes, there’s a chance you’ll lose half your teams to the Big 12, which is embarrassing because the Big 12 is also an also-ran conference.
But you can’t focus on those things. Focus instead on how easy it will be to maintain the mediocre parity that you crave so much.
