I'm kind of in a rut with podcasts right now, so lately for my daily walks with my dog I've just been zoning out and thinking about life's great questions, which led me to this. Just walking around the neighborhood, there are a ton of birds. "How many birds are there?" I asked Ask Jeeves. 50 billion. Wow, that's a lot of damn birds zooming around on the daily.
So I started thinking: I'm approaching 40 and I can't recall ever having a bird **** on me. Come to think of it, I don't know anyone who has been shatted on, at least no one who will fess up to it. Digging deeper, birds basically spend all day thinking about shitting. Their metabolic systems are so amped up that most small birds drop some butt blasters every 10 to 15 minutes. Even a large bird like a Pterodactyl is out there bringing the dungus amungus once every hour. That's a lot of poopies. And these little demons hardly sleep either. Some birds can still be flying while "technically" getting some shut eye, and they only sleep in short bursts. So you're telling me there are zombie birds just soaring around drooling and shitting everywhere while asleep? WTF Jeeves?
So doing the math, let's just say we have 12 hours of potential doodie action a day. If the average bird ***** once every half hour, that's 24 scud rockets a day. If there are 50 billion birds that's 1.2 trillion ***** a day. In a year that's 438,000,000,000,000 *****. That's 438 trillion tweetie turds every single year. How are we not just absolutely covered in bird **** anytime we step outside?
This is the stuff I think about when walking my dog. I got to think I'm due at this point, right? In other words gang, what I'm trying to say is this: I really want a bird to **** in my mouth.
Happy Father's Day weekend everyone.
So I started thinking: I'm approaching 40 and I can't recall ever having a bird **** on me. Come to think of it, I don't know anyone who has been shatted on, at least no one who will fess up to it. Digging deeper, birds basically spend all day thinking about shitting. Their metabolic systems are so amped up that most small birds drop some butt blasters every 10 to 15 minutes. Even a large bird like a Pterodactyl is out there bringing the dungus amungus once every hour. That's a lot of poopies. And these little demons hardly sleep either. Some birds can still be flying while "technically" getting some shut eye, and they only sleep in short bursts. So you're telling me there are zombie birds just soaring around drooling and shitting everywhere while asleep? WTF Jeeves?
So doing the math, let's just say we have 12 hours of potential doodie action a day. If the average bird ***** once every half hour, that's 24 scud rockets a day. If there are 50 billion birds that's 1.2 trillion ***** a day. In a year that's 438,000,000,000,000 *****. That's 438 trillion tweetie turds every single year. How are we not just absolutely covered in bird **** anytime we step outside?
This is the stuff I think about when walking my dog. I got to think I'm due at this point, right? In other words gang, what I'm trying to say is this: I really want a bird to **** in my mouth.
Happy Father's Day weekend everyone.
