Setting aside the obvious criticisms, your "formula" has some serious flaws, more specifically, your variable assignments. You might be able to terrorize the senior citizens of Northern Lexington, but that pales in comparison to the horror of your mathematical ignorance.
Objectively, there is no difference between nightmares and dreams so you're going to end up with a zero as the numerator in your dreams minus nightmares times limp bizcut enjoyment rating to body mass index ratio, which nullifies four of your data points, and so your formula is actually just pushups minus Bible chapters read. That is just exceedingly sloppy work.
There are 1189 chapters in the Bible, so anyone that has read the entire Bible would have to be able to do 1199 military pushups to qualify. That would exceed the Navy Seal requirements by 2754 percent. By the same token, someone that has never read the Bible would only have to do 10 pushups, which is not at all remarkable. In fact, that would make you all the "Minimally Acceptable Fitness Standard Boys"
IOW - you should go heavy on the "smediums" when you place the tee shirt order.
Also, you'll probably want to avoid harassing "church-goers"
It's 3:17 a.m. and HymanKaplan can't force himself to fall asleep until his finishes another entirely too long try-hard attempt at being funny. In a topic where the OP has been a shining light of brilliant trolling, HymanKaplan has been an unfunny, long-winded albatross.
This is nothing new for HymanKaplan. These attempts are always a struggle for him since he's naturally not funny, but the longer he types, the more and more he thinks he's pulling it off. He hits "Post reply" and tries to nod off.
But at 4:27 a.m., just as he's about to drift off for another teeth-grinding three hour sleep, he's struck by a stroke of brilliance. "Smediums! You dirty dog you've done it again!" He crawls over to his ****-stained laptop and edits his post with glee. "Got 'em." He rolls back over and can now finally rest. Tomorrow will be an another exciting day of endless posting in the Political Thread. He can hardly wait.