Incident with an autistic child and his father. I’m probably the idiot here.

[leinbacker]

You are in a no win situation here. And that, in and of itself is part of the problem.

If you even gently said something to the child, you would have been wrong. The mere acknowledgment of the child’s actions would put you in a bad spot. Based on how you presented the situation, it would appear the father did use the issue of his child’s autism as a both sword and a shield against you. But honestly - how are you supposed to know? It’s not like the kids wear a sign.

All you can do is learn from it, and move forward.

yeah, learn that if a kid screams and startles you, turn the other cheek so he can scream in your other ear.

 

[leinbacker]

I’ll fall in the middle here. I can’t imagine actually yelling at someone else’s kid, but I’d certainly tell him to stop and tell the parent to intervene, just wouldn’t be yelling.

I can’t imagine not responding though. Bob is sitting there, deep in thought to the point of being in a trance, probably reading this message board when suddenly and deliberately, he is screamed at. It seems his actions were a reflexive defense mechanism. I have had people startle me and I usually give a verbal “hey” until I compose myself.

This is Jersey I assume, typically you just escalate to calling each other jerkoffs and it ends, but this is a kid. I think Bob handled it as well as expected.

 

[Horse withno Game]

You care enough to start a discussion and you are not an idiot for doing so.

 

[LafayetteBear]

So I’m sitting in Starbucks with a latte, head down, reading an article on my phone, and minding my business. All of a sudden, a boy, about eight years old, runs close by my table very fast and screams loudly in a high pitch. He screamed right in my ear and startled the hell out of me. Instinctively, I yelled at the kid, “Hey! Don’t yell in my ear!”

The father was nearby waiting for a drink and told me not to yell at his son. I calmly explained what happened, at which point the father says that his son is autistic. So I said that I had no way of knowing that and that his son still yelled loudly and startled me. The father then said that I should leave if it bothers me. Of course, I didn’t. Moments later, he got his drink, and he and his son left.

I guess I’m the idiot, but what responsibility does a parent with an autistic child have? Presumably, the kid can’t control himself, but that doesn’t mean that he has free rein to do whatever he wants, does it? I feel for the kid, but isn’t the parent supposed to watch his son and not allow him to run around a store screaming? Obviously I can’t tell that a rambunctious kid is autistic. It’s O.K. for the parent to essentially use his son’s autism as a license to do whatever he wants, tell me to leave, and not accept any responsibility?

What is the parent’s responsibility here?

Bob : You big puss.

 

[Horse withno Game]

Bob : You big puss.

Don't know how you did that, but pretty freak-en funny

 

[Felber]

You’re the a$$hole here, Bob. Sorry…

You only control your actions and reactions, not those around you.

I’ve reacted instinctively like this many times when startled, it may even feel justified. But it’s not….I was wrong, and so were you.

It’s not your kid, which means, in NEARLY every instance, you have no right to yell at/ or redirect their behavior.

Autism is irrelevant.

You could not possibly be more wrong if you were doing it on purpose. Autism has nothing to do with it. If your unruly little offspring is running wild in public and invades my space I will damn sure yell at it and likely you too and I have EVERY right to do so. People like you are why we have these problems. I applaud restaurants that have started banning children under a certain age. Why should your inability to discipline and control your little hellion ruin my day and meal I have pd for.

 

[Connorpozlee]

I deal with a ROWDY autistic kid (6 years old) at work and he is NEVER unattended. The dad is wrong, The kid could hurt himself, run into traffic or otherwise get smacked. Carry on, you good bro
ill also add I taught him how to say Rick. I get a dozen “hi ricks“ a day, each one awesone

Not all autistic kids are the same. That’s why they call it the spectrum. There is a wide variance in its impact. Just because you deal with a kid who has autism and acts a certain way doesn’t mean you should expect others who have autism to act the same.
I’ll say this, Bob. Once the father told you his son has autism you probably should have just apologized and explained that he startled you and offered holiday well wishes. You seem like a pretty affable fellow, that was probably the best route to go down. When you throw in the excitement of the holidays along with school being out, it is likely that this kid’s routine is off and caused him to act unexpectedly out of character.

 

[Bison13]

I live in a cul-de-sac with numerous grade school kids and every one of them is a nice, polite kid who looks you in the eye when talking to you. An outlier? Maybe.

Olney is an outlier

 

[StamfordBridgeVikingatLeftOffensiveTackle]

BW doesn’t say smart things.

He's outstanding on residential real estate and home maintenance. Really good. Knows his stuff and writes with intelligence. I think and hope that he's trolling the rest of the time. So many people here have him on ignore.

 

[kijanalives]

So I’m sitting in Starbucks with a latte, head down, reading an article on my phone, and minding my business. All of a sudden, a boy, about eight years old, runs close by my table very fast and screams loudly in a high pitch. He screamed right in my ear and startled the hell out of me. Instinctively, I yelled at the kid, “Hey! Don’t yell in my ear!”

The father was nearby waiting for a drink and told me not to yell at his son. I calmly explained what happened, at which point the father says that his son is autistic. So I said that I had no way of knowing that and that his son still yelled loudly and startled me. The father then said that I should leave if it bothers me. Of course, I didn’t. Moments later, he got his drink, and he and his son left.

I guess I’m the idiot, but what responsibility does a parent with an autistic child have? Presumably, the kid can’t control himself, but that doesn’t mean that he has free rein to do whatever he wants, does it? I feel for the kid, but isn’t the parent supposed to watch his son and not allow him to run around a store screaming? Obviously I can’t tell that a rambunctious kid is autistic. It’s O.K. for the parent to essentially use his son’s autism as a license to do whatever he wants, tell me to leave, and not accept any responsibility?

What is the parent’s responsibility here?

You’re the a$$hole here, Bob. Sorry…

You only control your actions and reactions, not those around you.

I’ve reacted instinctively like this many times when startled, it may even feel justified. But it’s not….I was wrong, and so we’re you:

It’s not your kid, which means, in NEARLY every instance, you have not right to yell at/ or redirect their behavior.

Autism is irreparable

You could not possibly be more wrong if you were doing it on purpose. Autism has nothing to do with it. If your unruly little offspring is running wild in public and invades my space I will damn sure yell at it and likely you too and I have EVERY right to do so. People like you are why we have these problems. I applaud restaurants that have started banning children under a certain age. Why should your inability to discipline and control your little hellion ruin my day and meal I have pd for.

quickest Ignore in history

 

[NittanyBuff]

So I’m sitting in Starbucks with a latte, head down, reading an article on my phone, and minding my business. All of a sudden, a boy, about eight years old, runs close by my table very fast and screams loudly in a high pitch. He screamed right in my ear and startled the hell out of me. Instinctively, I yelled at the kid, “Hey! Don’t yell in my ear!”

The father was nearby waiting for a drink and told me not to yell at his son. I calmly explained what happened, at which point the father says that his son is autistic. So I said that I had no way of knowing that and that his son still yelled loudly and startled me. The father then said that I should leave if it bothers me. Of course, I didn’t. Moments later, he got his drink, and he and his son left.

I guess I’m the idiot, but what responsibility does a parent with an autistic child have? Presumably, the kid can’t control himself, but that doesn’t mean that he has free rein to do whatever he wants, does it? I feel for the kid, but isn’t the parent supposed to watch his son and not allow him to run around a store screaming? Obviously I can’t tell that a rambunctious kid is autistic. It’s O.K. for the parent to essentially use his son’s autism as a license to do whatever he wants, tell me to leave, and not accept any responsibility?

What is the parent’s responsibility here?

Parent should have apologized and you as well and it should have been over and done.

 

[MtNittany]

So I’m sitting in Starbucks with a latte, head down, reading an article on my phone, and minding my business. All of a sudden, a boy, about eight years old, runs close by my table very fast and screams loudly in a high pitch. He screamed right in my ear and startled the hell out of me. Instinctively, I yelled at the kid, “Hey! Don’t yell in my ear!”

The father was nearby waiting for a drink and told me not to yell at his son. I calmly explained what happened, at which point the father says that his son is autistic. So I said that I had no way of knowing that and that his son still yelled loudly and startled me. The father then said that I should leave if it bothers me. Of course, I didn’t. Moments later, he got his drink, and he and his son left.

I guess I’m the idiot, but what responsibility does a parent with an autistic child have? Presumably, the kid can’t control himself, but that doesn’t mean that he has free rein to do whatever he wants, does it? I feel for the kid, but isn’t the parent supposed to watch his son and not allow him to run around a store screaming? Obviously I can’t tell that a rambunctious kid is autistic. It’s O.K. for the parent to essentially use his son’s autism as a license to do whatever he wants, tell me to leave, and not accept any responsibility?

What is the parent’s responsibility here?

You really go to Starbucks all the time?

 

[BobPSU92]

You really go to Starbucks all the time?

Enough.

 

[pamdlion]

Happy Valley United says…make coffee at home. Save $500 a year from Starbucks and donate to NIL.

 

[Manofsteel200]

You’re not an idiot. The father needed to handle that differently. We were just at a holiday concert that my son was performing in. Next to me was a special-needs child and he was crawling all over the seats on the floor and underneath my legs. The father said absolutely nothing and the entire time I was just trying to stay out of the little guys way. And by little guy I mean 14 years old. It definitely is not an excuse for the parents, but is the reason for the children.

 

[leinbacker]

You’re the a$$hole here, Bob. Sorry…

You only control your actions and reactions, not those around you.

I’ve reacted instinctively like this many times when startled, it may even feel justified. But it’s not….I was wrong, and so we’re you:

It’s not your kid, which means, in NEARLY every instance, you have not right to yell at/ or redirect their behavior.

Autism is irreparable

quickest Ignore in history

How would anyone know the kid is autistic? They don’t have a big A stamped on them and completely irrelevant to this story.

 

[OuiRPSU]

As the father of a child on the autism spectrum, I likely know more than most on this thread.

It sounds like the father should have reacted better. The challenge is that we have no idea what the guy’s day to day is like. Having a child on the spectrum is never ending supervision, worry, therapy and very specific redirection. It’s exhausting for parents and caregivers.

The guy may have simply had a bad morning and desperately wanted his coffee to feel a bit better. Parents with kids on the spectrum have bad days too…likely way more than most. It doesn’t justify the response, but gives a bit of context.

As the father of two adult children on the spectrum, I couldn’t agree more with @WestSideLion. This sounds like a good lesson for everyone, and that lesson is to treat everyone with kindness since we have no idea what anyone’s life has been up to the moment we encounter them (although I do believe the dad could have handled this situation much better).

Also, while we’re on the subject - PLEASE do not make anyone with autism look you in the eye when talking to them!

 

[BobPSU92]

As the father of two adult children on the spectrum, I couldn’t agree more with @WestSideLion. This sounds like a good lesson for everyone, and that lesson is to treat everyone with kindness since we have no idea what anyone’s life has been up to the moment we encounter them (although I do believe the dad could have handled this situation much better).

Also, while we’re on the subject - PLEASE do not make anyone with autism look you in the eye when talking to them!

Treat everyone with kindness? Remember, I live in NEW. JERSEY. .

Otherwise, point well taken.

 

[OuiRPSU]

If events occurred as you allege, you are not to apologize or feel poorly.

It’s not the fault of the autistic child either. It’s the fault of the autistic child’s parent for putting their “allegedly autistic” child into a social situation for which they were unprepared and under-supervised.

I have noticed parents trying to explain poor parenting by claiming autism.

As @WestSideLion already said - Wrong! Did Bob overreact? Doesn’t sound like it. Should the father have handled things differently? Absolutely. Should the father not have brought his son with him? Nobody here can answer that.

Oh, and about these “allegedly autistic” children - where are you coming across them, and how do you know they’re not “actually autistic?”

 

[Achowalogan]

America laughs at accountability.

So does a boss I know…

 

[Achowalogan]

You’re the a$$hole here, Bob. Sorry…

You only control your actions and reactions, not those around you.

I’ve reacted instinctively like this many times when startled, it may even feel justified. But it’s not….I was wrong, and so were you.

It’s not your kid, which means, in NEARLY every instance, you have no right to yell at/ or redirect their behavior.

Autism is irrelevant.

So then the “it takes a village” only applies when convenient?

 

[OuiRPSU]

Treat everyone with kindness? Remember, I live in NEW. JERSEY. .

Otherwise, point well taken.

Oh, I get it. This Lion (and Blue Devil) was born and raised in Jersey. My boys, however, were born and raised in North Carolina (one even graduated from…gulp…The University of Alabama), so…

And BTW, my eyes comment wasn’t directed at you.

 

[OuiRPSU]

Respectfully disagree. If you know your child has a tendency to “act out” either at home or in public, the last thing you do is allow said child to wander from your attendance and subject others to their errant behaviors. To do so is either wullful arrogance or ignorance.

It’s unfortunate that certain children are diagnosed as being austistic. That said, it’s incumbent on the parents to properly socialize and supervise them..as in not allowing them to wander off in a Starbucks.

“It’s unfortunate that certain children are diagnosed as being autistic?” What’s that mean?

 

[BobPSU92]

“It’s unfortunate that certain children are diagnosed as being autistic?” What’s that mean?

Ignorance is bliss?

 

[19333lion]

Kids with autism have a serious problem. Depending on the severity, they can be completely out of control at times. It is the responsibility of the caregiver to keep a handle on them at all times in public. That being said, working with and/or parenting an autistic child is exhausting.

You reacted. Perfectly understandable. The father didn't anticipate his son's helter skelter or didn't care. That's on him. The kid probably can't help it. Effing sad all the way around.

 

[BobPSU92]

As I think about the situation more, I can see that perhaps the father vented his frustration on me. He lives with his son’s autism 24/7. He probably also feels that he shouldn’t have to apologize for his son’s condition, and he shouldn’t. It must be very hard on the parent.

 

[BobPSU92]

.

 

[OuiRPSU]

Not all autistic kids are the same. That’s why they call it the spectrum. There is a wide variance in its impact. Just because you deal with a kid who has autism and acts a certain way doesn’t mean you should expect others who have autism to act the same.
I’ll say this, Bob. Once the father told you his son has autism you probably should have just apologized and explained that he startled you and offered holiday well wishes. You seem like a pretty affable fellow, that was probably the best route to go down. When you throw in the excitement of the holidays along with school being out, it is likely that this kid’s routine is off and caused him to act unexpectedly out of character.

Well said.

 

[Ludd]

So then the “it takes a village” only applies when convenient?

It takes a village to raise an idiot.

 

[OuiRPSU]

You’re the a$$hole here, Bob. Sorry…

You only control your actions and reactions, not those around you.

I’ve reacted instinctively like this many times when startled, it may even feel justified. But it’s not….I was wrong, and so we’re you:

It’s not your kid, which means, in NEARLY every instance, you have not right to yell at/ or redirect their behavior.

Autism is irreparable

quickest Ignore in history

I agree. Mostly. Autism isn’t something that needs to be “fixed.”

 

[Ludd]

You could not possibly be more wrong if you were doing it on purpose. Autism has nothing to do with it. If your unruly little offspring is running wild in public and invades my space I will damn sure yell at it and likely you too and I have EVERY right to do so. People like you are why we have these problems. I applaud restaurants that have started banning children under a certain age. Why should your inability to discipline and control your little hellion ruin my day and meal I have pd for.

Oh, you’re one of those kind.

 

[BobPSU92]

It takes a village to raise an idiot.

My parents aren’t a village.

 

[nittanyfan333]

My six-year-old son is autistic. I feel like it’s a little bit of both. While yes, he should have had more control over his son, sometimes that is very difficult to do. A lot of times when they start stimming it’s hard to break them out of it. On the other hand, are we as families with autistic children just supposed to never go anywhere? Should we stay in our homes and never take our children anywhere to enjoy a little bit of normalcy? I can tell you that doing anything in public with an autistic child is a risk that every parent goes in to knowing that it may blow up in their face. But we do it anyway, because we want our children to feel accepted in society and not hermits that are codependent on us as parents for the rest of their lives.

It’s a tough spot to be in… I know that a lot of people have the older mindset (no offense intended) that all children are supposed to be well-behaved. However, as we learn more and more about autism, specifically the value of “main streaming“ and trying to de-stigma autism, I feel like people should be more empathetic. And I do know that when you are not used to it or understand the depth and breath of autism, it can be very distracting.


Without being there to know the tone that you used, I can’t tell you whether you are wrong or not. Likewise, without knowing the tone that he used, I can’t tell you whether he was wrong. If you YELLED at his child, that was over the line. If someone yelled at my child, I would immediately get defensive and angry as well.

 

[Ludd]

My six-year-old son is autistic. I feel like it’s a little bit of both. While yes, he should have had more control over his son, sometimes that is very difficult to do. A lot of times when they start stimming it’s hard to break them out of it. On the other hand, are we as families with autistic children just supposed to never go anywhere? Should we stay in our homes and never take our children anywhere to enjoy a little bit of normalcy? I can tell you that doing anything in public with an autistic child is a risk that every parent goes in to knowing that it may blow up in their face. But we do it anyway, because we want our children to feel accepted in society and not hermits that are codependent on us as parents for the rest of their lives.

It’s a tough spot to be in… I know that a lot of people have the older mindset (no offense intended) that all children are supposed to be well-behaved. However, as we learn more and more about autism, specifically the value of “main streaming“ and trying to de-stigma autism, I feel like people should be more empathetic. And I do know that when you are not used to it or understand the depth and breath of autism, it can be very distracting.


Without being there to know the tone that you used, I can’t tell you whether you are wrong or not. Likewise, without knowing the tone that he used, I can’t tell you whether he was wrong. If you YELLED at his child, that was over the line. If someone yelled at my child, I would immediately get defensive and angry as well.

I’ve seen many kids without autism act horribly in public, so I wouldn’t expect you to stay home and be a hermit. I don’t let kids bother me.

 

[OuiRPSU]

You’re not an idiot. The father needed to handle that differently. We were just at a holiday concert that my son was performing in. Next to me was a special-needs child and he was crawling all over the seats on the floor and underneath my legs. The father said absolutely nothing and the entire time I was just trying to stay out of the little guys way. And by little guy I mean 14 years old. It definitely is not an excuse for the parents, but is the reason for the children.

I’m sure everyone here is tired of hearing me say my kids are on the spectrum, but it’s one of the few areas in which I am truly an expert (well, in my situation, at least) and I think it’s important for everyone to realize that parents of kids with Autism walk this line EVERY SINGLE FREAKIN’ DAY!

When I’m not with my kids, other kids are the last thing I want to deal with. But when I am out with my kids, I am vigilant about them being allowed to do what they need to do to cope while, at the same time, making sure what they’re doing isn’t negatively impacting others around them…EVERY. SINGLE. FREAKIN’. DAY.

The only thing “you*” need to do is remind yourself you have no idea what others are going through.

*Not you personally

 

[Catch1lion]

Bob since your triggering events seem to happen at Starbucks, maybe you can arrange to get in 30 minutes before they open the door to the general public .

 

[Ludd]

Bob since your triggering events seem to happen at Starbucks, maybe you can arrange to get in 30 minutes before they open the door to the general public .

Or make coffee at home like most people.

 

[OuiRPSU]

Kids with autism have a serious problem. Depending on the severity, they can be completely out of control at times. It is the responsibility of the caregiver to keep a handle on them at all times in public. That being said, working with and/or parenting an autistic child is exhausting.

You reacted. Perfectly understandable. The father didn't anticipate his son's helter skelter or didn't care. That's on him. The kid probably can't help it. Effing sad all the way around.

We need to stop looking at things like this as problems and start looking at them as opportunities to learn, as parents as well as neurotypicals. Would I have been able to prevent my child for bothering Bob? Maybe not. Would I have handled the situation differently from the dad? Absolutely!

 

[Catch1lion]

Or make coffee at home like most people.

And after 3 years of savings buy your own Starbucks .

 

[Connorpozlee]

“It’s unfortunate that certain children are diagnosed as being autistic?” What’s that mean?

I just assume all of his posts are schtick. Why one would apply their schtick to kids with autism I have no idea, but I assume it’s schtick all the same.